I have been a follower of Jesus for most of my life. I have attended church since I was born and officially became a Christian when I was eight.
During the past 24 years of my walk with God, I have seen Him do amazing things. I have seen Him keep His promises time and time again. I have watched His plans for me unfold and have always been amazed at how things turned out, because there were many times when I could not see what He was doing. I could only see the trees when He could see the forest. I have seen Him work all things together for good (Romans 8:28).
I could list example after example of His work in my life – including the process of bringing me from California to Pennsylvania, where I met the love of my life and started a family. Brennan could do the same. But I won’t do that right now.
Right now, Brennan and I are journeying along an undesirable path, and we are pleading with God daily to change the course. Losing our daughter is absolutely not what we ever saw coming, and our hearts are broken over the prospect of being childless again.
Over two years ago, God changed my heart about being a stay-at-home mom (and about having children in general). You can read about that here and here.
We prayed for Tori for nearly two years as we tried to conceive. We trusted that God would bless us with a child. When we saw the positive test on December 1, 2013, we were ecstatic! We knew (and know) that God had placed parenthood in our hearts and we were so happy to finally begin!
His timing is not our own, and it is perfect. His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Trust is built over time in any relationship. God has never failed us and we know without a doubt that He loves us.
We trust God and His plan, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t struggling with any of this.
On one side, we have seen and heard already how Tori’s life is impacting people and how, potentially, God is changing thousands of lives through her. We praise Him for that and are humbled that He would use our family in that way.
But, we also ask why it has to be her. Why us? Why do we have to lose our daughter for these lives to be impacted?
Why doesn’t He heal her and change the world through her testimony? What an amazing display of His power that would be! We believe that He can – and pray that He will – do that. But we just don’t know what He is planning. Right now the trees are looming overhead and our perspective is limited.
It is a moment by moment struggle for us. We have never loved anyone like we love this tiny, precious human. We cannot imagine our lives without her. Yet, we know that God loves her, and us, and that He has an amazing plan for her. And we are choosing hope over despair, because we know that God is sovereign and we trust His plan.
And so we wait. We pray. We trust. We love her and each other. We cherish each moment because we don’t know how many moments remain. And we are thankful for whatever time we are given with our precious Tori.
God is faithful and trustworthy.
Even So, Joy 
This is written beautifully and honestly, praying for you both , we don’t know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds the future and precious Tori in HIS hands!
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God Bless you and you’re Family…God is Blessing you now by having strength,I Pray he Blesses you with a miracle now for Beautiful,Precious Tori..
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We are so inspired by Tori’s story and continue to pray for a Miracle. We already know that Tori is a miracle and an inspiration to so many as we pray for her and her family. God sees the BIG PICTURE and HE understands !
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Oh my dear friends, I am with the many storming the gates of heaven for sweet precious Tori. Thank you for your continued witness to the awesome power of our God.
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Sometimes we think when we ask God why, that we are not acting in faith. The truth is, God knows why and He is not afraid of the question. He has a ready answer for all things, if He did not He would not ask “US” to have a ready answer for the hope within us.( 1 Peter 3:15 Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it.) . If He expects this of us, He has an answer. For me, the answer came in 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 (3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.) This was mine, I pray He shows you, Yours ❤
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What an incredibly honest testimony! Praying for God’s love to be a strong tower as you continue through this difficult and undesirable journey. Praying for that miracle!
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Trusting with you and Brennon for a miracle! He will supply all your needs! Prayers, love, and hugs to you both! Hold your precious little one as much as you can!
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Each and every single post my heart aches and at the same time praises the Lord for holding you in His mighty grip. Love you friend
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Continuing to pray for all…
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Lesa & Son…There are no words….yet there is a knowing that God is loving you and sweet Miss Tori through this journey…I know this unwelcome pain well…yet having gone through this as a first time grandmother….and the feeling of helplessness with all the waves of ups and downs…God is and always ever close and carrying you right now….Faith is easy for us when the sun is shining and life seems all fall into place for us….I have had the honor of trusting Papa even when it all unravelled…There are no words for this excruciating place…yet even stronger than the pain is the whisper of God’s constant presence…if it weren’t for this alone….comfort and HOPE…..giving us strength to pursue even this rugged road…There is always HOPE…You are not alone….cry as much as you need to….There is a hiding place in His promise to never leave or forsake us….Praying that Tori be healed , strong, and whole…..nothing else will do…love you so much….. Jackie (Ma)
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Keep pressing on for that beautiful baby girl. The Lord hears your cries and loves that little girl more than you can imagine.
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Your faithfulness and love are such an inspiration. Amazing Grace…..so difficult to put into words. I pray for your continued strength in this pain-filled situation and a miracle for Tori…
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I understand your pain and know the suffering you endure. I have been there. Your baby is so beautiful. I am sorry. Stay strong.
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I am praying for your family. My husband, age 65, passed away five months ago from a brain tumor. Although our situations are somewhat different, I can so relate to everything you have written. If I can encourage you at all….God is in this. He is with you and walking every step with you. His Peace that passes all understanding will be with you. No matter what God determines to do with your precious baby, He loves her more than anyone on earth could ever love her. He is sovereign and loves us. I always say, “God has a plan, and I don’t like it!”. But, His plan is best. I bow my knee to Him and thank Him for His love. Bless you, dear ones. Bless you.
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I feel your pain. We cry with you. We pray with you. You are loved.
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Keep praying, keep reading the good news, keep singing. You both are doing so well. Loving you with my prayers, Kelli
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Lesa,
This is Jessica Burch from Red Bluff High School. I heard about your blog and wanted to connect with you. What a journey your family has been on! My husband and I have been on our journey of infertility for many years and know the pain and sorrow that accompanies it. I would really love to hear more about your beautiful Tori and how I can pray. If you have an opportunity, email me at spanglerjess@gmail.com. Praying for the peace that passes all understanding.
Blessings,
Jessica
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