If I am being honest, lately I have been struggling to pray for Tori’s healing. I ask others to do it but I can’t form the words in my own heart and mind. I feel stuck. Numb. Defeated.
I absolutely still want it and believe that it can happen, but doubt has worked its way into my heart and mind, and lately I doubt that God is going to heal her here on earth. Because of this doubt, I struggle to pray. I start but the words just don’t come.
It is times like this when I am most thankful that we don’t have to pray with words. God knows our hearts, and His Word tells us that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don’t know what to say (Romans 8:26).
I still struggle with hope because hope is difficult. Yet I still desperately want her to be healed on earth. Desperately.
In a dream that a friend had recently, I wasn’t able to see an older, healed Tori in a picture on a wall. She could see her, but I couldn’t.
I’ve been thinking about this ever since she shared the dream because I think God is trying to tell me something.
My friend has been praying about the meaning and suggested this: that no matter what, I need to see her as being healed, because she IS healed somewhere.
I’m still praying about the meaning. And I’m praying that this dream in particular is prophetic…that Tori will be the older sibling to many other children and that she will be healthy…that her testimony will change the world.
“Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late…”– MercyMe, “Flawless”
It seems like God speaks through His Word and the words of those seeking Him when I am struggling the most.
He keeps bringing stories of healing to my attention, and while these accounts are encouraging, it also leaves me wondering why He is bringing these forward. Is He going to heal her?
This happened two months ago in my daily Bible reading (the Bible is split into 365 readings, dated, not a “pick your own reading” type of thing). It also happened about two weeks ago when I finally found our Kindle Charger and was able to scroll through the hundreds of free eBooks we have obtained since we lost the charger.
The eBook “The Same Love” by Paul Baloche (a well-known songwriter) caught my attention so I opened it and began reading.
What was the first chapter about? Healing. Timing. Love.
Baloche started with Mark 5:21-43 which shows two healings – one of a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, and one of a young girl who was sick and died but Jesus brought her back to life.
The woman seemingly derailed Jesus from getting to the young girl in time, but what this proved was that Jesus works outside of “time” and He is NEVER late. He created time and is not restrained by it.
I love the way that the author paraphrases the scene between Jairus and Jesus after his daughter has died:
Jesus had barely finished speaking when several people ran up. Jairus, it’s too late. She’s gone.
Jesus moved between Jairus and the distraction. This moment is about you and what you say you believe. This can end here, or we can keep going. What do you say?
(The Same Love, Chapter 1)
The author points out that all those involved in this passage experienced the same love, the love of God. Just like we do today. Yet, even those who walked with Jesus in person also experienced doubt. Amazing, isn’t it, that those who saw with their own eyes the miracles that Jesus did still doubted?
Shouldn’t we admit, though, that even after experiencing this love, we’ve entertained doubts? And though we have seen answers to prayers, some questions still remain? In this life we experience the discipline of holiness alongside the inevitable humanity of sinfulness. And between these opposing realities, we’re daily called to choose to pledge our allegiance to the God who never leaves us, committing afresh to walk the walk of faith. God’s unwavering love for us continues, even when ours falters…
Faith by its very definition is belief in that which is unseen. It’s believing that the same love that spread the heavens wide and was crucified and raised Jairus’s little girl and sent a woman back into her new life is calling to you today. Your circumstances will be unique to you. Maybe the same love is challenging you to choose what you believe. Maybe you’re being asked to bravely step out and let everyone see you and your story…
(The Same Love, Chapter 1)
While these words are so encouraging, and so seemingly meant just for me right now, I still have no idea what God is going to do in Tori’s life…and that’s okay.
We are definitely called to let others see our story, which is why we are being as open and transparent as we can along the way.
We wonder if God is going to heal Tori here or in Heaven.
If here, we wonder when and how. Gradual? Immediate?
We wonder how long she will be with us.
So much wondering, not enough trusting.
We need to stop creating scenes in our head and instead trust the One who wrote the entire play.
Whether He heals her now or later, we know He is going to heal her. She is healed. It may not be the way our hearts would prefer, but we trust that God is good and has an amazing purpose for all of this that we simply can’t see at the moment. This is Act One, and Act Three is many pages away.
We aren’t meant to understand right now – we are meant to trust Him and keep on walking.
Our God is never late. Our God loves us deeply and created us with purpose. He will heal her in HIS timing, in HIS way; we need to trust Him in this and with this.
“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked.
“Anything is possible if a person believes.”The father instantly cried out, “I do believe,
but help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:23-24
Even So, Joy 
Thank you. You said what I have been struggling to understand for a long time.
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I’m so sorry you are having to even DEAL with this. But it is what it is, right? God gives each of us our own story, and as you said, “We aren’t meant to understand right now – we are meant to trust Him and keep on walking.”
We encountered the same thing you are right now; when Nathan was first diagnosed it was easy to pray for his healing. We were desperate, and we were in such pain, and we KNEW God was able. We prayed for his healing, we bargained with God, we took him to healing meetings, we prayed some more. What changed? I’m not completely sure. I know at some point it became hard to keep praying for his healing. It was never that I didn’t think God could do it. I knew He COULD. I think I just started to realize it was not His PLAN to do it. I think, over time, God gave us the gift of being able to accept what He had given us–because we did, and still do, consider Nathan to be a wonderful gift from Him–just as he was, disabilities, sickness and all, WITHOUT expecting or even, finally, desiring God to change him. That might sound funny. Of COURSE we desired his healing, all his life. But we also became content with things the way they were. Pretty much. 😉 I think maybe the first time it hit us that we were able to be content with where we were at was at a healing meeting. Someone said to my husband “I have a word from the Lord for you. He has told me you will no longer need to feel ashamed of Nathan.” We were dumbstruck momentarily, and then we said, almost in unison “That isn’t from the Lord, because we have NEVER been ashamed of Nathan, and we would NEVER be. We love him and we’re proud of him just as he is, right now!”
It’s hard for us, as humans, to always know how to pray as God would want us to pray, have the emotions we have, and try to fit all that into God’s perfect will, since we cannot really even always KNOW what His will is. All we can do is submit to Him each day, try to know Him better and better through Scripture and daily communion with Him, and then trust that He is acting to accomplish His will in and through us. I don’t think it’s wrong to continue to ask for her healing. I continued throughout Nathan’s life to ask for specific healing for current illnesses and crises. I did at some point, probably about when he was a year old, stop asking God to take Menkes Disease away. But I kept asking Him to deal with all the effects of Menkes. God will show you how to pray and what to pray for. You aren’t faithless if you stop praying for healing from Krabbe Disease, nor are you wrong to keep praying for that. God knows your heart, and He understands the confusion and pain. He also gave you Tori on purpose because He knew you would be the best family possible for her.
Again, I wish you didn’t even have to go through this. I wish life could be easy…for all of us…but it’s in the hard times that we really get to know the Lord. He WILL accomplish great things through Tori. He already is, actually. Look at how many people are touched by her innocence and by watching the love and care you give to her. Look how many people are no doubt starting to take a second look at getting serious about faith issues. Those are some of the things we saw accomplished in people around us during Nathan’s life. At his memorial service there were around 500 people, and the sharing time went on for 2.5 HOURS, until it finally had to be cut off. That was because of the work God did in people’s hearts through a little boy who couldn’t move on his own and never spoke a word with his mouth. Most of the people shared how their faith was impacted by watching Nathan and our family. We were, and still are, amazed and honored. Although the testimony would have been HUGE had he been healed physically on this earth, I”m not sure it would have been any better. The ministry opportunities still happen, all the time, because of that one little boy God entrusted to us.
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Lesa, I struggle with the same idea. I don’t want to doubt Jesus, but I also need to be realistic. Do I pray for what I want or do I pray for God’s will and his mercy? If I pray.. Lord please heal .. But then think .. It may not happen .. Aren’t I doubting my own Faith in Jesus… I don’t know what to say! But I trust that no matter what, Jesus will take care of all of us in the end. That we will all be blessed in ways we maybe can’t even imagine. I think it is very difficult….
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We are often in a hurry when God isn t. You may feel frustrated with the seemingly slow progress you re making in life. Remember that God is never in a hurry, but he is always on time.
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