Author: lesabrackbill

Life…

I know that life isn’t supposed to be perfect…I know that trials will come, and that God uses them for His greater purpose…but what can come from this? What can come from 9 years of turmoil in my relationship with my dad?

I thought it would be better now, now that I am almost 21 (in 3 days!)…now that I am a senior in college…now that I have proved that I am responsible and capable of taking care of myself…yet it never ends…I cannot do anything right, and everything that I try to do to please him is never enough. I cannot but fail. Without going into detail, tonight was a really bad night…I never cry–seriously–and I definitely cried tonight…I just want to be loved for who I am…by my father…

Other news: I won a dollar in the lottery yesterday! Not exactly $61 million, but at least I only lost $1!

Tomorrow is a new day…Lamentations 3:21-23

We were soldiers once, and young

I forgot to mention that my dad and I watched the movie “We Were Soldiers” today…I highly recommend that movie. I enjoy “war” movies, but seldom do they impact me as this one did…OH, how I wish I were in DC, so that I could walk again by the Vietnam Memorial wall and read the names of the soldiers depicted in the movie…

Worn-out…

I have noticed lately that I am not myself…lately I have not been the cheery, energetic young woman I tend to be. Even when it comes to emails, this blog, etc, I am not as creative or thoughtful as usual…I am absolutely worn-out, in every possible sense–emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally…I have so little energy, and I have been trying to simply rest the past few days.

On a much lighter note, I have been reading the “Anne of Green Gables” books again, simply because I have desired to read, yet did not want to read anything academic…they are quite fascinating, though simple, books to read. I am already on the 4th book, in 3 days 🙂

My mom and I watched the “Pageant of Peace and National Christmas Tree Lighting” on CSPAN on Christmas Eve; it was enjoyable, yet only served as a reminder of all that I have left behind in Washington. What a great experience we had there…I do miss that city so! I’ll return soon enough, I suppose.

Christmas was enjoyable, and I had a great time visiting with family I had not seen in almost a year. Of course, the question of whether or not I am to be married soon came up as expected. It was all in fun, and I know that they did not mean to make me feel badly about it, but part of me is still hurt in a way, because I long to find my “match” almost more than anything…I am patient, and I do trust that God has someone for me…yet the waiting grows wearisome. I am waiting, and I will continue to wait. LOL–if everyone else would only wait as patiently! 🙂

I love my family, and we had a great time yesterday, sharing, visiting, etc. My grandparents had me open my birthday present yesterday, though my birthday is still a few days away…and I am so excited! You may laugh, but they got me a professional flat iron for my hair–which costs A LOT of money. I am so excited! I love straightening my hair, and this will do such a great job.

I found out that I am living in the apartment complex I desired for my return to campus…so even though I will be living with new people, I think it will be okay.

Other than that, not much is happening in Red Bluff, as usual. Only 2 weeks until I return to LA and I am looking forward to it…:)

High school

I visited my high school today, for the annual “Holiday Classic” rally…wow. I was amazed…and that is not necessarily a good thing in this case! Was high school really like that when I was there–so superficial, sexual, frivilous? Wow…yeah. I have only been gone 3 years, but it feels like 10.

I did have a good visit with a couple of teachers from high school, and that was great. I did have some great experiences in high school, and I will never forget many of the teachers I had. Good times!

Other than that, things are getting better on the Dad front. He has been remarkably better today, PRAISE THE LORD. We had a great time as a family tonight, something for which I am thankful! We are just so much alike, and I think that is part of the problem…he sees things in me that he doesn’t like, and the problem is that he has those same qualities….that is my guess, anyway.

Not too much happening in good ole Red Bluff–which should not be surprising to anyone! I got my Christmas letter/cards done today, finally.

I really miss my ASP friends! I have been talking to one everyday now, which has been wonderful 🙂 GOOD TIMES!! I am considering going to Chicago for Spring break, but we’ll see how the finances turn out.

This is not a very thought-provoking entry…oh well, we all have those days. Maybe tomorrow will be better!

Some things never change…

Red Bluff, California is not a very exciting place…this is nothing new, however, it is so much more evident to me now that I am back in this little town of 13,000 people. As I drove through town today (a trip which lasted about 10 minutes) I realized that almost nothing has changed. The same ol’ people, same ol’ hangouts…same feel to this town. I feel out of place, to say the least, and perhaps that is because I am no longer the same Lesa Close who left this small town 3 years ago; yet, everyone seems to be basically the same.

I am definitely ready to go back to APU. Things with my dad are no better than when I left last May for Pennsylvania…I thought perhaps he would realize that I am not a child anymore…that I have been through so mcuh and that I have changed so much in the past 7 months…that I am capable of handling my own responsibilities…that I am worthy of respect…I have been here for less than 2 days…and already I feel as if he does not want me to be around…I just don’t understand why he is so upset with me all the time…why I cannot do anything right.

Sigh…somethings never change, no matter how great our desire for that change must be. It can’t be all that bad, can it? ……….

Back in California…

There are many songs that have been written about California…”California dreamin’ on such a winter’s day…” “I wish they all could be California girls…”…many other songs…yet, none to describe how I feel about California right now. It still isn’t real to me that I am back here (perhaps because I arrived at home at 6am EST, 3am PST, LOL.) and I am not sure how I feel.

Last night I left the city of my dreams…as we were driving to Dulles, I looked at the lights of the city one last time, and felt remorse for the things I had neglected to do. I know that I have certainly taken enough pictures to last me a lifetime 🙂 but I wonder if I could have done more, or done things differently…

How is this semester in DC going to affect my future semesters at APU? One thing I know is that I have learned to carefully choose those into whom I will invest my time. My ASP friends have set a benchmark for what friendship should be…and that is a lesson I will never forget.

It is so strange to not be able to walk downstairs and hang out with “the guys.” I feel strange not talking to them everyday (I have to watch that too, because my inclination is to call everyday :)), not hearing how they are doing, how they are feeling, etc. My heart has been so touched by my semester in DC…

My dad and I had a great time in DC. We woke up Sunday morning to about 4 inches of snow…but we still saw everything that we could. We spoke with John Ashcroft on Sunday morning, and Newt on Monday afternoon, which made my dad thrilled. 🙂 We saw the monuments, the Air and Space Museum, the National Archives, Arlington National Cemetery, etc. It was great bonding time! Praise God for that…as our relationship has been incredibly rocky for the past 6-8 years. He liked the “M” (metro) as he called it.

Anyway, much to reflect about, many things to do back here in Red Bluff, California…

Saying goodbye…

“…you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.” How very true…

Today has been incredibly difficult…packing, cleaning, visiting…laughing…crying…can it really be over? Today I spent a great deal of time with my “other apartment” (#1), just talking, listening, reflecting…enjoying their company. I have had few guy-friends like these 5 young men, and leaving them is proving to be harder than I expected…I spent time praying for one of them in particular tonight, as he is facing some uncertainties once he returns home…my heart aches for his situation, and I wish more than anything that I could make the pain go away…

I had to say goodbye to two of my dear friends tonight, with more goodbyes tonight and tomorrow…I hate saying goodbye. Each time I have to say goodbye to someone I love it gets a bit harder. Yet, I know that this is a necessary step in my continuing journey through life…

However, I do not only have to say goodbye to people…I have to say goodbye to this wonderful city which I have come to call “home.” This city so full of life, culture, history…so full of wonder. I have to leave this city which has become so comfortable to go back to Azusa Pacific University, where I have no idea what to expect. Yes, my friends will be there…but they will be different. I am different. Life has gone on without me. I am more and more comfortable with the idea of the unknown, for I know that God knows…therefore, I can trust Him completely and not worry about my life. He is holding me in the palm of His hand, guiding my every step.

My dad comes tomorrow, which will be wonderful…I will be able to take him around “my city,” my home. It will be fun to share my knowledge with someone.

What a semester…thank you, Lord, for such a great semester, with some of the most unforgettable people I have ever met. Thank you…