An insight into who I am…

Warning: VERY long–but equally honest post…

My whole life it has seemed as if I were wearing a sign on my forehead that said “mock me, please.” For the most part, I let it roll off and just laugh. There are a few occasions where it hits hard, and inwardly I cringe, because I don’t generally show when I’m hurting.Tonight, I mentioned to my Bible study group that I should find out tomorrow if I got the part-time job I interviewed for last week, and I had just started to mention that I think I have figured out what I want to do with my life when one man asked “What happened to your other job?” (the job I had for only 6 days because I was just miserable there). I told him, and that launched everyone into (what felt like to me) a session on “you are so young and naive, etc.” They told me that I should have kept the job because “sometimes work sucks and you have to deal with it.” Etc. This went on for about 10 minutes, and I was so frustrated.

What these people don’t know is how this has affected me over the past few months. How do they think I have felt being a college graduate who has no idea what she wants to do with her $100,000 degree? Have I actually enjoyed staying home most days, sending out probably 100 resumes and not hearing from a SINGLE one? Or, how have I felt being the ONLY one out of my close group of friends from APU who doesn’t A) have a job that they love or B)have any plans for the future?

How do they think it feels when my friends call and tell me all about their exciting lives (which I DO love to hear about, by the way. That’s not what I’m saying!) and I have nothing to say in return, because I don’t have anything “exciting” or new going on?

I’ve been working for 5 months at a job I did NOT enjoy most of the time, and I dealt with it because I needed a job. And, the jobs that I am hoping to get are NOT my dream jobs. At all. But, I know that I need to work, and I am willing to do them.

There was no way that I was going to stay at that receptionist job, where I was being paid to sit still all day. It was not using my gifts and abilities, and it wasn’t a position about which I felt a peace. I prayed about leaving the job, and I felt the Lord’s “permission”, if you will. I still had a job at the church, so I was fine financially.

It just frustrated me to no end tonight, and it really hurt me. It was as if they thought I was just being young and dumb and that I actually LIKE where I’ve been over the past few months. Except for my living situation, and my friends and family, not much about the past 5 months has made me happy. Did I show that outwardly? No. Why? Because it wasn’t necessary. I really have nothing to complain about–I have food, shelter, and I know that the Lord’s timing is perfect and that He will provide the right job for me when He is ready.

I know that He has “put me through all this” for a reason, and I am truly excited to see what that purpose is. It has been one of the worst “valleys” of my existence thus far, and I am so ready to climb out of it. But, it’s the LORD’s timing, not mine.

These months have been humbling and difficult because I have always “known” what I wanted from my future, and for the first time that I can remember, I don’t know. I’m obviously not in D.C., like I had planned on for about a year and a half. Yes, I have an idea now regarding Arabic, but who knows if that is me or if it’s the Lord? I don’t know yet–more prayer is needed.

Sorry for the venting, but I really needed to get that out there. I have NOT enjoyed being unemployed. I have NOT enjoyed having NO plans for the future. And I really wish that people could see that–or that they would ask me and not just assume that I’m being lazy or whatever. I just haven’t found my purpose yet, and I am seeking the Lord for His guidance, because I don’t know what else to do.

Whew…long post. Thank you for taking the time to get a glimpse of who I am 🙂

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