Our IVF/Adoption Journey

As you may have gathered, Brennan and I would like to expand our family and have more children. Our hearts long for this, and we’ve been working hard to make this happen. Unfortunately for us (and others with genetic mutations like ours), it’s not simple.

After much prayer and wisdom-seeking from others over the past two years, we have decided that it is unwise to do this “naturally” and are instead looking to use IVF and/or adoption as a means by which we can grow our family. We started the IVF process last summer but were halted in August because of a lack of funds. We’d love to do both IVF and adoption this year, but that would mean coming up with about $50,000 or more (adoption ranges from $25,000-40,000 or more!). Even with our frugal lifestyle, that’s simply impossible. 

This is why I went back to work in August. This is why we sold our house, paid off Brennan’s student loan, etc. – by doing so, we freed up a great deal of monthly expenses that we can now put toward this endeavor. We are trying to save as much money as possible to go toward IVF/adoption, but even with all of our efforts we will still humbly admit that we need help to raise the funds necessary.

You all have been SO generous to us over the past two years so we didn’t want to just do a fundraiser to ask for money. We wanted to offer YOU a gift, something in return…and we have the perfect thing.


As you may remember, I wrote a song this summer about how I felt after Tori was diagnosed. Thanks to our amazing friend, John Amodea, the song has been recorded and is available to download!

Here’s what we’re hoping will happen: enough people will buy the song (via the “Tip” button on the NoiseTrade page) that we can have/adopt a child in 2017!

If you cannot afford to buy the song, please download it as our gift to you, and perhaps share the page on your own page.

If you would like to buy the song, go to this link: http://noisetrade.com/lesabrackbill/lord-remind-me

We’re doing this as a “pay what you feel” download…and whatever you can give is so greatly appreciated. So feel free to change the “tip” amount to whatever you would like to give.

Please share our story and the song with others, too, if you are willing.

We hope you enjoy the song and that the Lord uses it to encourage you.


In addition, Brennan and I will be hosting an online auction to help cover the cost of IVF/adoption as we seek to expand our family! The auction will be held on Facebook (January 20-25, 2017) and we are in need of donors!

Here’s the link to the Google Form we created for item donations; if you are a consultant for a company, an artist, seamstress, craftsman, musician, etc. and have something you would be willing to donate to our auction, please fill it out so that we can start to build our inventory! Or, if you have a service you can provide (massage therapy, hair cuts, photography, etc.), that would be great as well!

We’d love to have at least 100 items in our inventory!

You can access the auction here.

We will gladly credit you/your business for your donation and offer a link to your website/Facebook page as well in hopes that you will be blessed by this auction as well.


We want to be parents again more than anything. With your help, we can do this!

Thank you in advance for your support!  

A Season of Waiting

It’s hard to believe that it’s October already. September was a blur, filled with many changes and hardly any free time. Now it’s Fall and the temperatures have cooled, the leaves are starting to change, and we are in a season of waiting and expectation.

My job has been going well, but they’ve been putting me on the schedule for far more hours than I had requested, leaving me feeling exhausted and with little time at home. Between working five days a week (as opposed to the requested 2-3 max) at The Hotel and one day a week at church, I’ve been left with only Sundays off consistently, and I’m hoping that changes soon. I haven’t had much time to write, read, or rest, and I feel weary.

In addition to working so much, we had to say goodbye to Brennan’s car last week, leaving us with only one vehicle for the foreseeable future. This means many hours of sitting at The Hotel for one of us when our shifts don’t coincide (all too often). Now one of the windows on the van isn’t working properly and we’ll have to have that fixed soon. Money is tight, we each have our own minor physical struggles (ear infections for me, leg injury for Brennan), we’re too busy (and that is out of our control), we miss Tori, and we’re tired. It’s so easy to feel discouraged right now.

Tori has been in Heaven for six months and it’s amazing how easily it is for us to lose perspective already. After all that we’ve been through, all that God has brought us through, it’s still so easy to get wrapped up in all the things that aren’t going our way. We realized this earlier this week and we corrected our perspective – what we’re enduring now is nothing compared to what we went through with Tori, and we can’t let ourselves be overcome by these trials. We can’t allow ourselves to forget that God is holding us in His hands and is in complete control! He is faithful, He is good, and we are trusting Him during this season of waiting and uncertainty.

There are some exciting things happening this month for us:

  • We’ve been working feverishly to get our house ready to be on the market, and that will happen THIS WEEK! We’re so excited! You can read about why we are selling our home here. We cannot wait to be DEBT FREE!

  • We were featured in the Lancaster newspaper yesterday and are so thrilled that Tori is continuing to make waves across the state!
  • My manuscript is being edited THIS MONTH and we hope to start pitching it to publishers in November! I also have another book idea brewing, so I hope to start working on that project soon.
  • We’re headed to California this week for a quick trip to Disneyland! I was supposed to photograph a conference in SoCal and had already purchased my plane tickets when the conference was canceled…so, we decided to go to Disneyland instead!
  • At the end of the month, Brennan and I will be taking a LONG awaited trip to Nevada, Utah, and Arizona with Mission: Imperative where we will be going to most of the National Parks in the area! We cannot wait for this adventure, especially since all the details are taken care of and we paid for the trip long ago! What a great way to celebrate six years of marriage doing something we both love – traveling! ❤
  • I’m continuing to write for The Transcend Project along with members of our church. Please check it out! There’s SO much great content on there!
  • Also, I finally decided to release the live recording of the song I wrote this year (my first and only!). You can hear it here.

A few prayer requests:

  • Please continue to pray for us as we continue to navigate life without our Tori. We miss her terribly and there isn’t a day that goes by without us thinking about her constantly. We’re still doing well, but life is obviously very different without her.
  • Please pray for wisdom with decisions regarding potential offers on our home and where we will live after the house sells.
  • Please pray for favor with publishers, and that the right one will step up to help us tell Tori’s story and save lives through Newborn Screening.
  • Pray for physical healing for both Brennan and me.
  • Pray for us during this season of “waiting” for so many things – our home, future children, the book, etc.

Trials in this life serve a few purposes, but one of the most important is this: this world is NOT our home. It can never make us fully happy – only Heaven and the One who reigns there can. These difficult times won’t last forever – we just have to remember that. And so we wait on the Lord who is always faithful and good. ❤

Hunter’s Hope Symposium: Thursday 

Today we heard reports on the Leukodystrophy Care Network that Hunter’s Hope is working hard to implement around the country. They are the voice of the family in ensuring excellent care and treatment for their child.

You can read more about the LCN here.

Leukodystrophy children have unique medical needs and issues and most hospitals have had little to no experience with these diseases.

The centers are going to be as geographically spread out as possible so that traveling can be reduced for as many families as possible. Currently, most affected families go to Pittsburgh or Raleigh. Once the LCN is established, there will be many more options.

Many times, doctors see kids like these and don’t bother to treat them because they are terminally ill. One of the questions asked of the potential of LCN center is this: 

‘Are you treating this child as though they are living? Or are you saying “go home, there’s no treatment?”‘

Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia became the first Leukodystrophy Center of Excellence and it was interesting to hear their presentation given that they are so close to where we live.

I loved this quote:

Dr. JoAnne Kurtzberg from Duke University spoke and gave great insight into what they have done in the world of leukodystrophies.

As always, Victor was very attentive 😄

Later, we heard reports on the current research findings – which are so promising! – and heard more about the results of the ten years of screening for Krabbe in New York State. 

They are also very close to improving the NBS test for Krabbe by looking for two specific biomarkers instead of just one. 

Exciting things are happening in the quest to find a cure for Krabbe and other leukodystrophies, and the future is bright. 

Overall, we feel encouraged by what we heard today and are so glad to be here. 

Even Though…

I love when God speaks to you so clearly through circumstances. If you come across a passage of Scripture once in a day you might read it and then move on. When it appears three times, separately, in three different books/blogs, you pay attention.

Today I was finishing up “Amazed and Confused” by Heather Zempel and began reading “Praying God’s Word” by Beth Moore. In addition to those two books, I read an excellent post by my friend Judy about rejoicing in God no matter what comes our way.

All three of these resources referenced and spoke about the SAME passage of Scripture.

What was the common passage?

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“Even though…”


Habakkuk 3:17-19 is not a new passage to me. It’s one I considered many times throughout our journey with Tori because it absolutely applied to our situation.

Habakkuk is stating that no matter what happens, no matter how hard things become, he would rejoice in the Lord and be joyful. 

Heather Zempel’s commentary on this book of the Bible – and on this passage, specifically – is excellent. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

“God is still good, sovereign, and faithful, despite the circumstances we see around us, and is therefore worthy to be praised.” (pg. 153)

“We learned that faith was not about conjuring an idea in our heads and finding ways to fuel it; faith was recognizing that God always had something better in mind than what we could see in the present circumstances. We understood that perspective might not change the facts of our reality, but they certainly changed our perception of reality.” (pg. 156)

Through it all, we trusted (and continue to trust) the God who made us all, who sent His Son because He loves us lavishly, and the One who knows what the future holds.

“What’s the difference between people who face the unknown and see fear and those who see opportunity? What makes a person look at a dead-end and see open-ended possibilities? Story. The story we have been told will set the stage for what we expect in the next chapter and will inform us of the role we play.” (pg. 157)

“When Habakkuk came to a place where God’s actions collided with his expectations, he found the only hopeful response was worship that was rooted in an unshakable and undeniable awareness of God’s character, ways, and works.” (pg. 160)

“As we see God more, we are able to praise Him more. We more clearly recognize and acknowledge the hand of God at work in our lives, and the practice becomes an act of worship and a hymnal for worship in days to come.” (pg. 164)

“Habakkuk is not just comforting himself by playing with ideas; he is speaking of the things that God has actually done. The Christian faith is solidly based upon facts, not ideas. And if the facts recorded in the Bible are not true, then I have no hope or comfort. For we are not saved by ideas; but by facts, by events.” – D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones (quoted on pg. 169)

“This brand of faith knows God can…believes He will…but worships even if He doesn’t.” (pg. 177)

“We can frame the character of God according to our circumstances, or we can frame our circumstances according to what we know of the character of God. We can let our circumstances inform what we know to be true of God or we can let what we know to be true about God inform our circumstances. As Warren Wiersbe said, “God doesn’t always chance the circumstances, but He can change us to meet the circumstances. That’s what it means to live by faith.”‘ (pg. 178-9)

God continually reminded the Israelites of the importance of remembering all that He had done for them, and yet they continued to forget. When they weren’t studying His word and their history, they lost sight of God’s goodness and plan and they strayed from His will.

As we said at the beginning of our journey, God has never been unfaithful to us, so why would He be unfaithful now? Because we have reminded ourselves for years of His wonderful works since the beginning of time and of those in our own lives, trusting Him with Tori came fairly easily.

“He works things together for His purpose and not our expectations.” (pg. 184)

“Whether He delivers from, delivers through, or delivers later, we know that He is always present.” (pg. 186)

‘His faith was not rooted in what he could see but in what he could not see in the moment. He anchored into the brand of faith that the author of Hebrews described: “Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen” (Hebrews 11:1).’ (pg. 186)

Oh yeah, and Hebrews 11:1 (quoted above) was also the verse of the day on WordFM today so I heard it many times throughout my day.

“Sovereignty means that God is in charge. Eternally in charge. We need God to redefine our suffering against the background of eternity because eternity puts things into perspective.” (pg. 188)

When things don’t go as we had planned, do we run from God or run TO God? Why is it so easy for us to discard our faith just because things get tough? Why don’t we trust His proven faithfulness to be present in our own lives?

“I refuse to let what I don’t know keep me from worshiping what I do know.”
(pg. 190)

(I know it seems like I just quoted the entire book but I promise there is so much more wisdom to be gleaned – you should read it!)

This final quote is a great summary of our perspective on Tori’s short life.

We KNOW that there is ONE true God. We know that God is sovereign, that He is good and loving and gracious. We KNOW that there is a Heaven waiting for those who believe in Jesus and that this life is only the beginning. We are certain of these things!

We DON’T know why God chose us to be Tori’s parents, why He chose her to have Krabbe, and why He didn’t choose to heal her on earth so that she could grow up under our care. We don’t know what the future holds for us in regards to having more children. We don’t know. But, as the quote above says, we aren’t going to let these few unknowns keep us from serving and praising the One who does know!

We know that He has a plan for us and that Tori is waiting for us in Heaven. Whether or not God chooses to reveal to us His thoughts on this situation here or if we will find out in Heaven, it is still well with our souls.

Our faith isn’t blind, and it isn’t a band-aid. Our faith is the frame through which we view this entire life and it’s the source of our joy and our peace, and it’s the reason why we continue to praise God and choose joy “even though” we lost our only child. 

After all, our loss doesn’t change God’s character or His purposes for us. He is STILL good.

Removing the Sting of Death, Part Three

Disclaimer: As with anything I write, I write with the understanding that we all process death and grieving differently – even as believers – and this is not a judgment or a criticism of anyone who handles these things differently. I write about my own beliefs and understanding of death given the hope that Jesus brings to us all, and I write about how this is playing out in my own life in hopes that it might encourage others in their own journeys. 

I have broken this into three posts because of the length. You can read parts one and two here.


It is often said that we tend to only believe God when it’s easy. Afterall, it’s easy to follow God when life is going well, when we have plenty, when things are comfortable.

As Job so beautifully demonstrated, God is STILL good and His word is still true even when we lose it all. 

He is still worthy of our praise and devotion even when we lose a child. 

And, true faith follows even when the way is unclear.

We need to realize that God’s Word is relevant in ALL parts of our lives, including death and other difficult times.

Do we believe the Bible or just parts of it that are convenient and easy?

What about when life is messy?

If we believe that the Bible is the holy word of God Himself, how can we disregard the promises and hope He gives even through the difficult issues?


The Bible mentions death numerous times, and those verses are typically followed by a reminder of the hope that we have because of what Jesus did on the cross. Here’s one example:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope
Then we will be with the Lord forever.
So encourage each other with these words.

– 1 Thess. 4:13, 17-18 (bold emphasis mine)

Paul tells us to ENCOURAGE each other about death in this passage. Death was never God’s plan for us, but Adam and Eve changed the course of history and death became inevitable. One bite of an apple (disobedience) brought death into the world.

“We are geared for perfection which is why we are always so disappointed in life.”
– Rachel Gunsauls

And yet, death is NOT the end for any of us. We are all born with eternal souls and we make the choice during this life to follow Jesus or to walk away from Him – a choice that results in an eternity in Hell.

For those who have chosen Jesus, we have no reason to fear death. Death is merely the next step toward our eternal home and we will be FREE of all of the issues this world contains. This world is NOT our home. One day we will be with Jesus Himself, forever, and that is GREAT news! That alone is reason to REJOICE always.

Romans tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:1-2) and this happens when we embrace God’s Truth and allow it to transform us…this pertains to death as well!

Jesus told not to worry (Matthew 6:34), to not be afraid (multiple times), and to remember that He has overcome the same world from which we wish to hide (John 16:33).

We are instructed to dwell on things above not on earthly things:

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand.
Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.
For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.
And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world,
you will share in all his glory…
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn
to know your Creator and become like him.

– Colossians 3:1-4, 10


The world has no hope, but we do. And how are they going to find the hope that we have if we don’t live it out?


Here’s my advice:

Trust the Lord FULLY, even when you can’t see what He’s doing.

Don’t wonder what might have been, don’t have regrets.

Live life to the fullest NOW and focus on what matters – loving God and loving others.

Then you will have greater peace when a loved one goes to Heaven before you.


I long for Heaven more than ever before now that Tori is a resident of that wonderful place, and I am enjoying learning more about her current (and our future) home.

I know that someday we will be reunited FOREVER and will never be apart. The anticipation of that day brings such excitement, even though I have no idea how long it will be until we are reunited. All I know is that it will feel as if no time has passed at all since Heaven doesn’t operate within the time we know.

Does all of this mean that I shouldn’t cry when I miss her? Of course not. Grief is natural and I will never stop missing her.

However, I do believe that having a biblical perspective on death and Heaven eases the blow of her absence, and it brings me peace that cannot be otherwise explained.

Set your minds on things above…choose joy…be grateful…trust God.

Heaven, along with the knowledge that we’ll be reunited with our loved ones (who also knew Jesus), removes the sting of death, one thorn at a time.

Praise Jesus for His grace and mercy that make any of this possible.

My Third Mother’s Day

I have never been one to embrace or become attached to holidays like Valentine’s Day or the other “Hallmark Holidays” like Mother’s Day, primarily because I have been taught to celebrate these things daily, not once every year.

Even though I’ve been a mother the past three years (pregnant, present, absent), it’s just another day to me. I’m also a rebel and don’t like being told what to do. 😉 But mostly it’s because I love cherishing the family I have been given continually and not just because we are told to do so by “someone.”

I’ve also been taught to not focus on what you are lacking, but rather to focus on what you have, to appreciate all that you have been given and not dwell on what has been taken away. Paul phrased it as “being content” no matter the circumstances (Phil. 4:11).

So, while this is probably supposed to be a sad day for me because my Tori is in Heaven and not in my arms, it truly isn’t. ❤

As I have mentioned many times before, the discipline of gratitude has had a profound impact on my life. When you make a point to be grateful for things and to name those things out loud (or in writing), it is much more difficult to be negative and sad. God is always at work in our lives and recognizing His hand makes life abundantly joyful, even in the midst of heartache.

So, today – as always – I focus on my blessings:

I am SO thankful to have been chosen to be Tori’s mama and to have had those beautiful twenty months with her. Those beautiful and wise eyes of hers spoke volumes when her mouth couldn’t: I know she loved me and I know she knew she was loved.

Her existence taught me so much and her brief presence on earth has made me such a better person. I am more loving, more patient, more gracious, more kind, more GRATEFUL, more selfless, more like Jesus (which should be every believer’s goal). She was a miracle child in so many ways, and I’m so grateful.

I will always be Tori’s mama! I pray that the changes I see in myself because of her are not only temporary but rather that they continue to change me to be more like Jesus.

I’m thankful to be here in California with my mother and my grandmothers today to celebrate them in person. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for these women, for their example and training, for their love. They taught me to be a mother by living it out so well in their own lives with my parents.

These three women – Pat, Ruth, and DeAnne – loved me enough to discipline me and teach me while I was young because they knew that it was vitally important for my well-being. They also taught me valuable skills and I can never repay them for all they have done for me, except by carrying on this tradition of selfless love with my own children.

My mom, in particular, showed me what selfless love looked like over and over again during Tori’s earthly life. She spent weeks with us, helping doing things around the house, cooking meals, and, of course, cuddling with Tori. She has always put other before herself and is such an example to all. She continued to do what she could from across the country to make our lives a little easier even though she couldn’t be physically present every day.

She is an amazing grandmother and I hope that she will have the honor of being a grandmother again someday.

So, on this Mother’s Day, I am grateful for my heritage and the examples of motherhood in my life. I wouldn’t be the mother I was to Tori if it weren’t for these women. ❤ It’s a day of joy, not of sorrow, and we will continue to focus on what we have been given.

 

Removing the Sting of Death, Part Two

Disclaimer: As with anything I write, I write with the understanding that we all process death and grieving differently – even as believers – and this is not a judgment or a criticism of anyone who handles these things differently. I write about my own beliefs and understanding of death given the hope that Jesus brings to us all, and I write about how this is playing out in my own life in hopes that it might encourage others in their own journeys. 

I have broken this into three posts because of the length. You can read part one here.


I have been blessed with a few wise women in my life, women who love the Lord and whose words are gentle and timely. These friends are worth more than gold and I’m so grateful for their presence in my life.

Recently I had the opportunity to sit and visit with my friend Rachel. I have known Rachel since middle school and she has been a source of encouragement and comfort throughout this entire journey with Tori, always praying for us and texting/emailing me notes of encouragement just when I needed them the most.

As we sat in her beautiful backyard, surrounded by oak trees and golden waves of grass, our conversation veered toward God and His Word as it usually does. As we talked about Tori’s heaven-going, I mentioned that I try to always say it like that – heaven-going – instead of “death” or “passing away” because that’s the truth. That’s where she is.

Rachel remarked that she thinks that Christians should have an entirely different term for death/passing away than the world does because we KNOW that those who believe in Jesus as their Lord and Savior are in HEAVEN.

They aren’t just gone, they didn’t cease to exist entirely – they are in their eternal home, the one in which we as Believers will reside someday, as well. It’s not goodbye, it’s “see you soon!” This should bring us JOY!


“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”

 “No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus told him, I am the way, the truth, and the life.
No one can come to the Father except through me.

– John 14:1-6

Jesus told us He was going to prepare a place for us and that we would one day join Him there. If we believe His Word to be true, we should believe Him in this, as well. He said we shouldn’t allow our hearts to be troubled with things of this world, but to trust Him, instead.

And yet, we allow the Enemy to instill fear and long-lasting sorrow within us when our loved ones become residents there…

Do we miss their presence in our earthly lives? Of course – they impacted us, we loved them, and now they aren’t physically present. That’s the sting of death that Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians 15:54-55.

However, they aren’t really gone – they are in the presence of our resurrected Savior and are made whole again! We must remind ourselves of this instead of being overtaken by sorrow and grief.


Knowledge is power, we are taught from birth; wisdom is applying the knowledge we possess to our lives. The knowledge that our loved ones who knew Jesus are in Heaven is powerful and can aid in turning our mourning into dancing.

The way that we combat the work of the enemy in any area of our lives is by applying and speaking Truth into the situation. Occasionally, the enemy attempts to make me feel regret and guilt in regards to Tori’s short life. In those moments, I halt those attempts by speaking truth: we lived life with Tori to the fullest and we cared for her in the best possible way. We have NO reason to have regrets or guilt!

Truth brings FREEDOM.

The enemy tries to make us feel afraid, overcome with sorrow, and filled with guilt and regret. He wants us to feel like failures, like we are unworthy of God’s love and grace. When we remind ourselves of God’s Truth and His promises, we can overcome these things!

Speak truth in the middle of your fear and sorrow. Remind yourself that God is good, He is faithful, He is sovereign. He loves you and IS love. He is still God even when you can’t see His hand working.

One of the truths I remember daily is that Tori is no longer confined in a broken body that couldn’t function properly – as her mother, knowing that she is free makes me so happy! She has beaten Krabbe and has overcome it! The course of Krabbe in her life was inevitable, so the hope and joy of Heaven is indescribable.


It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies…

…What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.

Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled: “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? ” For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable.
Always work enthusiastically for the Lord,
for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15:42-58‬ ‭NLT‬‬
(bold emphasis mine)

To be continued in part three…