Today Caleb broke the handle off of my favorite coffee mug. This mug was given to me while Tori was sick and I love that it has both giraffes and … Continue reading Strength & Scars
Today was the first time in ninety-eight days that I was by myself with the boys all day long. Brennan returned to work on Friday but my parents were still … Continue reading Day One after Ninety-Eight
A friend recently asked me a two-part question that I have been pondering for days now. She asked: “How has your story of walking through lament – and joy in … Continue reading Lament and Joy
I wrote these words exactly one month ago and I’ve been pondering them, again, over the past three days as we adjust to our new reality: I’ve been struggling lately … Continue reading Expectations and Reality
I have loved the account in Daniel 3 for many years, not because of the miracle it records, but rather because of the attitude and loyalty toward the Lord these … Continue reading And if not, He is still good…
Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I’ve had nearly twenty months to prepare and yet I’m still not sure what to write. I’ve felt some self-imposed pressure to … Continue reading Nineteen Months & Twenty-Eight Days
We all have preconceived notions and expectations about what our lives will look like. For me, I always assumed that I’d marry fairly young and have a family (like generations … Continue reading I’m Not the Mom I Thought I’d Be
I often see moms post about how sad they are that their babies are not newborns and tiny anymore, or sad that another year has gone by, and perhaps I could have related to that feeling a few years ago.
But, I just can’t relate to it now. I realize that my perspective is different than most, which is why I feel like I need to share it, especially this month.
I’m not sad that our boys are bigger, or that they are continually learning and doing new things. I doubt that I will ever look back with tears and want to go back to those newborn days.
I’m thrilled and delighted that they are ABLE to get bigger. That they are ABLE to grow and learn. Why am I delighted?
Because Tori wasn’t given that opportunity. Because Krabbe robbed her, and us, of a normal childhood. She stayed little, like a newborn, for her entire existence. She never learned to talk, walk, laugh, play.
We would do anything, anything, to have her here today, in full five-year-old glory.
And it is with that perspective and passion that I write, parent, and live.
I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude, amazement, and joy with every new milestone reached, and I don’t look back at their newborn pictures with sadness (disbelief that they were ever that small, amazement at how far they’ve come, but not sadness). Part of that is because newborn twins are seriously challenging and I don’t want to go back to that phase, but it’s mostly because of Tori, our precious baby girl who was taken from us too soon. I LOVE watching them learn and grow as healthy little men.
What makes me sad is that there are babies born each year with a treatable condition but that their ZIP code determines whether they have a chance to live or not.
What makes me sad is that families like ours, families with so much love for their children, have to say “see you later” to their child and be separated from them until we get to Heaven.
I fight for Newborn Screening for Krabbe because I don’t want anyone else to go through what we’ve experienced. I want babies born with Krabbe to have the same opportunity for life as any healthy baby. I want their parents to be able to see their children achieve typical milestones. I want their children to grow up.
I know motherhood is challenging and it’s easy to be frustrated. I get it. I have my moments like anyone else. However, in those moments I remember that not every child gets to grow up, like my Tori, and I remind myself that I have so much for which to be thankful.
I pray that you can do the same. ❤
Our boys are sixteen months old now. They walk everywhere, they love being outside, and they love experiencing new things.
Most of the time I feel as though we have struck a great balance between being home and going out to do things, but some days I feel this pressure to do everything. If I find out we have to miss some event or function, I feel like they are missing out. I feel pressure.
This isn’t a pressure induced by social media, however. Yesterday I realized that it’s because all I’ve ever known as a parent is limited time. A deadline. A looming end point and the danger of permanent regret.
With Tori, we had less than two years to try to give her all the experiences we could manage. Krabbe robbed us of time. Krabbe made us feel rushed. We did things she was far too young to appreciate because there was pressure. We didn’t have time to waste. We didn’t want to have any regrets for her, or for us as a family. And, thankfully, we don’t.
Yet, I have to stop and remember that, Lord willing, we have time with the twins. We don’t have to do everything right now, and we don’t have to be disappointed if we don’t take them everywhere to do it all at this age. They don’t know what they’re missing, and if they are happy, that is all that matters. We have the freedom to wait until they can better appreciate whatever it is we want them to see/experience.
I’m praying that my heart can rest in that hopeful knowledge, that I can be better at just taking one day at a time, one moment at a time, and providing the boys with a well-balanced life. Rest is equally as important as stimulation and experiences, and I pray that we as parents will have the wisdom to do what is best.
I’m so thankful for this gift of time.
When we started to create a “bucket list” for Tori, we knew time was short. We knew we had to cram as much into her limited days on earth as … Continue reading Isaiah and Caleb’s Adventure List: Build-A-Bear