Sitting in the Meantime

When we saw TobyMac in March, he said something that resonated with me. He commented about the length of time between his album releases and said that’s because he needs to live life between albums so that he has something to sing about.

When I wrote the one and only song I’ve ever written, I told God that I was okay with never writing one again because it took sending Tori to Heaven to have the inspiration and ability to write it. If that’s what it takes, I’m good now 😉


I’ve been mostly quiet on here for a while now because life hasn’t given me much content lately – which is perfectly okay! I am completely satisfied with life going smoothly, which it mostly has been (normal mother-of-twins ordeals aside).

However, as I blogged earlier this week, I’m now in a situation providing me with content…a situation I sincerely wish could be resolved but it’s out of my control at this point.

I’ve been sitting in silence, not pressing this friend to reconcile or respond, not offering further explanation as to my intent or my heart. Just waiting.


Someone recently used the phrase “sitting in the meantime” and I loved it. That’s where I am – sitting in the period of waiting for resolution. I’ve relinquished control (difficult) and am being still before the Lord, waiting for His guidance and for my friend to reach out IF they choose to do so.

And it’s challenging.

Because, in the meantime, I just want to fix things. I want to talk. I want to meet up for coffee and explain, yet again, that my words were not said out of anger but love. That there has to be a huge misunderstanding because I thought everything was good between us, but clearly there was some harbored resentment that caused this to blow up. That everyone makes mistakes and grace should be offered abundantly. But I can’t. Not until the other person reaches out.

I don’t like being in the meantime. There is no defined timeline, no rule book, nothing for me to accomplish except to wait and to pray, to work on my own heart and to ask God to use this to grow my own character.

Life will go on if this friendship ends, but not without some grief on my part. Unresolved conflict is so very hard for me to live with especially when I feel I’ve done all I can to live at peace with others (Romans 12:18).

If you find yourself – now or in the future – “sitting in the meantime” with no end in sight, run to the Lord. Read His Word. Trust Him. Remember all the great things He has done in your life and in the lives of others. He isn’t just watching from the sidelines – He is right there in the meantime with you.

Even So…

The common theme of the past six months has been hurdles. Things haven’t been going as smoothly as we would like and we’ve come up against some significant challenges.

  • Buying this house came with one obstacle after another and cost more than we anticipated not only to buy it, but to do the necessary renovations (that still aren’t done because we ran out of money). It seems like all of our Dave Ramsey progress was lost and we’re having to start over again in our process to becoming debt-free.
  • We drained our savings (and our HSA) to pay for IVF (though MUCH of the cost was donated by generous and amazing people and we are SO very grateful!), and it’s tough to rebuild it.
  • We started an AirBnB in the apartment upstairs and have LOVED running it. It has brought joy to us and to the families and single mothers we have been able to serve and bless through this venture. It has also been hugely beneficial financially. 

    However, two of our neighbors are “uncomfortable” with the idea for ridiculous reasons (they don’t understand AirBnB at all, essentially) and they filed complaints with the township. We were forced to make a decision to either pay $450 and wait three months (and go to two zoning board hearings) to try to be rezoned for this type of use (no guarantee of approval), or give up and just get a tenant (less income, loss of the opportunity to help others enjoy Hershey and run an AirBnB; loss of space to host family and friends and bands (through RYFO.org) upstairs).

    Ultimately, we’ve decided to try to find a tenant because some battles aren’t worth fighting. The township needs to modify their rules about AirBnB instead of trying to make it fit into other molds and making it impossible for residents to do. I am proud of my letter to the township supervisors and hope that it will make a difference in the future for property owners to use their property as they choose.

  • I haven’t had much time to finish my book proposal or to find an agent, even though my manuscript has been complete (and edited) for six months. I’m struggling to remain positive about it being published, even though I believe that the Lord led me to write it for that purpose.
  • I am committed to do many good things, but finding a balance and remaining disciplined has been a challenge.

Even so, it is well with our souls.

It hasn’ t been ALL bad, but the hard things in life tend to overshadow the good; when we focus on the positive we realize that we have had some GREAT things happen:

  • We thoroughly enjoyed our trip to California, Oregon, Washington, and ALASKA in June and returned home feeling rejuvenated even though the trip was exhausting. Seeing the beauty of God’s creation and spending treasured time with family was worth every lost minute of sleep.
  • We found out that we have THREE embryos (out of the five) that are healthy! Two are not even carriers of Krabbe! The fourth embryo needs to be retested, and the fifth has chromosomal abnormalities that are not survivable. We are thankful for these 3-4 and will hopefully do the first transfer in August.
  • Thanks to my dad spending two weeks out here, we’ve nearly completed the basement projects (laundry room/bathroom drywall and paint, etc.). We’re going to be ready for hosting bands and other guests so soon! Since we’re giving up the AirBnB this space will allow us to continue to minister to bands through RYFO – an amazing network of host homes for touring musicians.
  • Brennan and I are trying to become much more disciplined than we are currently in every area of our lives. It’s a struggle but we must overcome and become self-disciplined.

Through it all, my heart has remained at peace because I trust the Lord completely and I have absolute faith that this is all happening for a reason. As the popular song states, “Let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name…” He is still on the throne, He is still in charge, and, most importantly, He still LOVES us. In those moments when I feel worry start to encroach on my peace, I stop and pray and remind myself that He’s got this.

And so we press on, knowing that it will all turn out alright.

Removing the Sting of Death, Part Two

Disclaimer: As with anything I write, I write with the understanding that we all process death and grieving differently – even as believers – and this is not a judgment or a criticism of anyone who handles these things differently. I write about my own beliefs and understanding of death given the hope that Jesus brings to us all, and I write about how this is playing out in my own life in hopes that it might encourage others in their own journeys. 

I have broken this into three posts because of the length. You can read part one here.


I have been blessed with a few wise women in my life, women who love the Lord and whose words are gentle and timely. These friends are worth more than gold and I’m so grateful for their presence in my life.

Recently I had the opportunity to sit and visit with my friend Rachel. I have known Rachel since middle school and she has been a source of encouragement and comfort throughout this entire journey with Tori, always praying for us and texting/emailing me notes of encouragement just when I needed them the most.

As we sat in her beautiful backyard, surrounded by oak trees and golden waves of grass, our conversation veered toward God and His Word as it usually does. As we talked about Tori’s heaven-going, I mentioned that I try to always say it like that – heaven-going – instead of “death” or “passing away” because that’s the truth. That’s where she is.

Rachel remarked that she thinks that Christians should have an entirely different term for death/passing away than the world does because we KNOW that those who believe in Jesus as their Lord and Savior are in HEAVEN.

They aren’t just gone, they didn’t cease to exist entirely – they are in their eternal home, the one in which we as Believers will reside someday, as well. It’s not goodbye, it’s “see you soon!” This should bring us JOY!


“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”

 “No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus told him, I am the way, the truth, and the life.
No one can come to the Father except through me.

– John 14:1-6

Jesus told us He was going to prepare a place for us and that we would one day join Him there. If we believe His Word to be true, we should believe Him in this, as well. He said we shouldn’t allow our hearts to be troubled with things of this world, but to trust Him, instead.

And yet, we allow the Enemy to instill fear and long-lasting sorrow within us when our loved ones become residents there…

Do we miss their presence in our earthly lives? Of course – they impacted us, we loved them, and now they aren’t physically present. That’s the sting of death that Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians 15:54-55.

However, they aren’t really gone – they are in the presence of our resurrected Savior and are made whole again! We must remind ourselves of this instead of being overtaken by sorrow and grief.


Knowledge is power, we are taught from birth; wisdom is applying the knowledge we possess to our lives. The knowledge that our loved ones who knew Jesus are in Heaven is powerful and can aid in turning our mourning into dancing.

The way that we combat the work of the enemy in any area of our lives is by applying and speaking Truth into the situation. Occasionally, the enemy attempts to make me feel regret and guilt in regards to Tori’s short life. In those moments, I halt those attempts by speaking truth: we lived life with Tori to the fullest and we cared for her in the best possible way. We have NO reason to have regrets or guilt!

Truth brings FREEDOM.

The enemy tries to make us feel afraid, overcome with sorrow, and filled with guilt and regret. He wants us to feel like failures, like we are unworthy of God’s love and grace. When we remind ourselves of God’s Truth and His promises, we can overcome these things!

Speak truth in the middle of your fear and sorrow. Remind yourself that God is good, He is faithful, He is sovereign. He loves you and IS love. He is still God even when you can’t see His hand working.

One of the truths I remember daily is that Tori is no longer confined in a broken body that couldn’t function properly – as her mother, knowing that she is free makes me so happy! She has beaten Krabbe and has overcome it! The course of Krabbe in her life was inevitable, so the hope and joy of Heaven is indescribable.


It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies…

…What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.

Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled: “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? ” For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable.
Always work enthusiastically for the Lord,
for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15:42-58‬ ‭NLT‬‬
(bold emphasis mine)

To be continued in part three…

The Joy of the Known

I realized recently that part of our inner joy and peace comes from the knowledge that we don’t have to wonder anymore when she will be taken from us. We don’t have to live each day wondering if it will be her last.

  
In retrospect, we can see that Tori’s brain was struggling for about six weeks before she went to Heaven. Though we rarely spoke of this, she had been having “blue episodes” every few days and the first few scared us so much. We were so panicked when they happened, as we watched her oxygen saturation drop as low as 10% at times.

She always jumped right back up to the high nineties, and she was alert and responsive even during these episodes, so we weren’t concerned about losing her soon.

Dr. Escolar was aware of these and acknowledged that Tori was in stage 4, but she wanted our next appointment to be in six months. She wasn’t concerned about losing her soon.

Yet, every time one of these episodes happened, our hearts filled with fear and dread as we wondered if this was it. Would she leave us now? Tomorrow? Months from now? We had no idea.

The unknown took its toll on our hearts and minds, even as we tried desperately to trust the Lord and His plan in those moments. 

We shed many tears during those episodes because they reminded us of her fragility.

One month before she passed away, we had blogged this post about feeling unprepared to lose her. We couldn’t even begin to imagine how we would handle losing her.

Now, we are amazed at how well God actually did prepare us without us even realizing that He was doing it. This knowledge – along with the knowledge that she is whole and healed and with Jesus – has brought us abundant joy and peace.

One of my favorite lines that I have written (it feels strange to say that!) is this: 

The joy doesn’t replace the heartache; rather, they tensely coexist each day, fighting for our undivided attention.

This is true today, as well. 

But, joy wins. Peace wins. God wins.

We will always love our girl, and we will never be the same. But, how can we not praise the One who made her, who so perfectly orchestrated her entire life and even her death? 

As He said to Job thousands of years ago, who are we to question Him? Who are we to challenge the One who knows everything and created it all? 

Just as He knows each star by name and each hair on our heads, so He also knows exactly why all of this happened and how it will unfold. We take joy in knowing that this same God loves us and will never leave us. 

Krabbe needs to be known. Every baby deserves to be tested for this wretched disease at birth so that they have a chance at life. Ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to leukodystrophies, and we will continue to educate people so that no one else has to go through what we have gone through.

Our hearts ache to hold our beautiful daughter once more, but in the meantime, we will continue to advocate and fight in her honor to eradicate this disease from the face of the earth. It’s the least we can do.

Homesick

When my grandfather passed away last month after a long battle with Alzheimer’s, I started thinking about Heaven much more than usual.
We all rejoiced knowing that he was able to be himself again, to visit with so many loved ones, and – even more importantly – because he is with Jesus! 
His death brought such peace to my heart because of all he had endured over the past ten years, and it makes me so happy to know that he is whole again.

It isn’t that I’ve never spent time thinking about Heaven – I just never really wanted to go there, yet. I am young, life has been good to me, and there are so many more experiences to be had, so it was always something far in the future (I hoped) I could look forward to and find comfort and joy.

But, with Tori being terminally ill, my perspective on all of this has shifted.

The world is growing worse by the day. Evil abounds. Sin is rampant. I hate watching or reading the news because it only brings stress and frustration into my heart. The Bible’s words are yet again being proven true by the day – things keep getting worse. And we know that they won’t get any better until Jesus returns.

God has promised us that if we follow Jesus we will spend eternity in Heaven. Eternity. Not 100 years as we might live on this earth, but forever.

Given all of these things, why wouldn’t I long for Heaven?

An older song by MercyMe has been in my mind frequently over the past month and its message is so timely:

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times,

And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you.

But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry 

Is how long must I wait to be with you?

I close my eyes and I see your face 

If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place 

Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow 

I’ve never been more homesick than now 

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways 

The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know 

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same 

Cause I’m still here so far away from home.

In Christ, there are no goodbyes, 

And in Christ, there is no end.

So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have to see you again…

If God chooses to take Tori to Heaven before us, as hard as that will be, there is joy even in that. 

How? She will be free from pain, from Krabbe, from this evil world. She will be safe and she will be with Jesus. And, compared to eternity, it won’t be that long until we meet her again! 

This doesn’t mean I am excited to lose her here on earth, not at all. Rather, I find such a comfort in knowing that she will be in the best possible place and that we will be there “soon” with her.

What a hope we have in Jesus, because of the sacrifice He made.

I am already homesick for Heaven and I know that if God takes our Tori home, my homesickness will only increase. 

But, I also know that our separation will be temporary, a vapor in light of eternity. And that brings joy to my heart.

“I’ve never been more homesick than now.”

(If you have questions about what it means to follow Jesus and have a relationship with Him, ask someone now and don’t delay! No one is promised tomorrow; please don’t procrastinate on making the most important decision of your life.)