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If I am being honest, lately I have been struggling to pray for Tori’s healing. I ask others to do it but I can’t form the words in my own heart and mind. I feel stuck. Numb. Defeated.
I absolutely still want it and believe that it can happen, but doubt has worked its way into my heart and mind, and lately I doubt that God is going to heal her here on earth. Because of this doubt, I struggle to pray. I start but the words just don’t come.
It is times like this when I am most thankful that we don’t have to pray with words. God knows our hearts, and His Word tells us that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don’t know what to say (Romans 8:26).
I still struggle with hope because hope is difficult. Yet I still desperately want her to be healed on earth. Desperately.
In a dream that a friend had recently, I wasn’t able to see an older, healed Tori in a picture on a wall. She could see her, but I couldn’t.
I’ve been thinking about this ever since she shared the dream because I think God is trying to tell me something.
My friend has been praying about the meaning and suggested this: that no matter what, I need to see her as being healed, because she IS healed somewhere.
I’m still praying about the meaning. And I’m praying that this dream in particular is prophetic…that Tori will be the older sibling to many other children and that she will be healthy…that her testimony will change the world.
“Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late…”
– MercyMe, “Flawless”
It seems like God speaks through His Word and the words of those seeking Him when I am struggling the most.
He keeps bringing stories of healing to my attention, and while these accounts are encouraging, it also leaves me wondering why He is bringing these forward. Is He going to heal her?
This happened two months ago in my daily Bible reading (the Bible is split into 365 readings, dated, not a “pick your own reading” type of thing). It also happened about two weeks ago when I finally found our Kindle Charger and was able to scroll through the hundreds of free eBooks we have obtained since we lost the charger.
The eBook “The Same Love” by Paul Baloche (a well-known songwriter) caught my attention so I opened it and began reading.
What was the first chapter about? Healing. Timing. Love.
Baloche started with Mark 5:21-43 which shows two healings – one of a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, and one of a young girl who was sick and died but Jesus brought her back to life.
The woman seemingly derailed Jesus from getting to the young girl in time, but what this proved was that Jesus works outside of “time” and He is NEVER late. He created time and is not restrained by it.
I love the way that the author paraphrases the scene between Jairus and Jesus after his daughter has died:
Jesus had barely finished speaking when several people ran up. Jairus, it’s too late. She’s gone.
Jesus moved between Jairus and the distraction. This moment is about you and what you say you believe. This can end here, or we can keep going. What do you say?
(The Same Love, Chapter 1)
The author points out that all those involved in this passage experienced the same love, the love of God. Just like we do today. Yet, even those who walked with Jesus in person also experienced doubt. Amazing, isn’t it, that those who saw with their own eyes the miracles that Jesus did still doubted?
Shouldn’t we admit, though, that even after experiencing this love, we’ve entertained doubts? And though we have seen answers to prayers, some questions still remain? In this life we experience the discipline of holiness alongside the inevitable humanity of sinfulness. And between these opposing realities, we’re daily called to choose to pledge our allegiance to the God who never leaves us, committing afresh to walk the walk of faith. God’s unwavering love for us continues, even when ours falters…
Faith by its very definition is belief in that which is unseen. It’s believing that the same love that spread the heavens wide and was crucified and raised Jairus’s little girl and sent a woman back into her new life is calling to you today. Your circumstances will be unique to you. Maybe the same love is challenging you to choose what you believe. Maybe you’re being asked to bravely step out and let everyone see you and your story…
(The Same Love, Chapter 1)
While these words are so encouraging, and so seemingly meant just for me right now, I still have no idea what God is going to do in Tori’s life…and that’s okay.
We are definitely called to let others see our story, which is why we are being as open and transparent as we can along the way.
We wonder if God is going to heal Tori here or in Heaven.
If here, we wonder when and how. Gradual? Immediate?
We wonder how long she will be with us.
So much wondering, not enough trusting.
We need to stop creating scenes in our head and instead trust the One who wrote the entire play.
Whether He heals her now or later, we know He is going to heal her. She is healed. It may not be the way our hearts would prefer, but we trust that God is good and has an amazing purpose for all of this that we simply can’t see at the moment. This is Act One, and Act Three is many pages away.
We aren’t meant to understand right now – we are meant to trust Him and keep on walking.
Our God is never late. Our God loves us deeply and created us with purpose. He will heal her in HIS timing, in HIS way; we need to trust Him in this and with this.
“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked.
“Anything is possible if a person believes.”
The father instantly cried out, “I do believe,
but help me overcome my unbelief!”
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“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” … Continue reading Forgive my unbelief…
We are asked fairly often if we are angry at God or frustrated with Him.
We can honestly say no. We are not.
Are we curious to know why this is happening? Of course.
Do we have our moments of sorrow and frustration at our circumstances? Definitely.
But anger at God has not been and is not currently something we are experiencing.
God is God and we are not.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Isaiah 55:8
As I wrote before, we trust God completely and, even though we don’t like what is happening, we know that we will eventually (even if in Heaven) understand why this happened. We know beyond any doubt that He is trustworthy, faithful, and loving.
We know that He will be glorified through her life no matter how long we have her here on earth.
This doesn’t mean that we are “okay” with Tori’s situation, blindly accepting it without emotion. But, it does mean that it’s “okay” in the sense that we know that God is in control, we know that He loves us – and her – and we know that He has an amazing plan for all of our lives. We are unable to comprehend His plan at this moment, but we trust that He has one.
We are filled with His peace that exceeds all that we understand. There is no earthly reason for us to be so at peace with all of this – it is absolutely from God. Being at peace doesn’t mean that we are okay with any of this, but it means that we trust the One who knows all and created all. We trust Him fully with our precious Tori and know that He loves her even more than we do. We know that He eventually uses all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
It is a moment-by-moment process of surrendering all of this to Him and choosing to not worry, to not be angry, and to continue to hope that He will choose to heal her here on earth. He is more than able, and nothing is impossible for Him (Luke 1:37)!
The daily reading for today is from Psalm 66, and it is so fitting for our situation, and for this question:
1 Shout joyful praises to God, all the earth!
2 Sing about the glory of his name!
Tell the world how glorious he is.
3 Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds!
Your enemies cringe before your mighty power.
4 Everything on earth will worship you;
they will sing your praises,
shouting your name in glorious songs.”
5 Come and see what our God has done,
what awesome miracles he performs for people!
6 He made a dry path through the Red Sea,[a]
and his people went across on foot.
There we rejoiced in him.
7 For by his great power he rules forever.
He watches every movement of the nations;
let no rebel rise in defiance. Interlude
8 Let the whole world bless our God
and loudly sing his praises.
9 Our lives are in his hands,
and he keeps our feet from stumbling.
10 You have tested us, O God;
you have purified us like silver.
11 You captured us in your net
and laid the burden of slavery on our backs.
12 Then you put a leader over us.[b]
We went through fire and flood,
but you brought us to a place of great abundance.
13 Now I come to your Temple with burnt offerings
to fulfill the vows I made to you—
14 yes, the sacred vows that I made
when I was in deep trouble.
15 That is why I am sacrificing burnt offerings to you—
the best of my rams as a pleasing aroma,
and a sacrifice of bulls and male goats. Interlude
16 Come and listen, all you who fear God,
and I will tell you what he did for me.
17 For I cried out to him for help,
praising him as I spoke.
18 If I had not confessed the sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
19 But God did listen!
He paid attention to my prayer.
20 Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer
or withdraw his unfailing love from me.
Praise God who does not ignore our prayers or withdraw His unfailing love from us.