“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”
The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
I wonder if the father in this passage felt the same way that I so often do – so desperately wanting his child to be made whole again, knowing that Jesus can do it, but afraid to be hopeful.
More often than not, my prayer is that of the father in this account: I believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!
I waver between knowing without a doubt that God can heal her here on earth and yet doubting that He will.
I have discovered that I am afraid to be hopeful, despite our experiences in the past few days and with how God seems to be working.
I am still trying to pinpoint the cause of the fear, but I think it comes down to a fear of being disappointed in the outcome, a fear of being disappointed in God – whom I love and trust implicitly – if He takes her home to Heaven instead of allowing us to keep her, even though I do trust His plan and do not doubt that His plan is best for all of us.
I think fear is to blame.
Fear is easy; hope is excruciating.
What we are going through is completely unnatural. Parents aren’t supposed to lose their children. As someone who doesn’t even know how it feels to lose a grandparent yet (yes, I am blessed to still have all four!), the thought of losing my only child is incomprehensible.
I wonder if my fear of being hopeful is a defense mechanism.
I am afraid to hope that God will choose to heal Tori here on earth, despite the fact that every fiber of my being desperately wants that to be the outcome.
Hope is hard. Hope is vulnerable. It seems irrational in a situation like this.
Fear is comfortable, expected, the rational response.
And yet, I remind myself that we serve the same God who healed/heals the sick and who raised people from the dead! Jesus Himself was resurrected after being in the tomb for three days!
Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing!
Jesus repeatedly told His disciples to not be afraid, and that nothing is impossible for God. That is what I force myself to remember daily – it isn’t impossible for Tori to be healed!
The struggle continues, and I pray that I can overcome the fear of being hopeful because I know that God is love, He is good, and His plan is best.
I don’t know if Jesus meant belief in Him or absolute belief that healing would happen; but I do know that He loves Brennan, Tori, and me. And whatever He has planned will be okay in the end.