One Year…


Time is a funny thing. 

Our Tori has been a resident of Heaven for one year as of tomorrow (March 27). It’s surreal, to say the least, to think that we have lived one year without her in our arms. One year without watching her breathe, sleep, and struggle as Krabbe overtook her fragile body. One year since she was healed completely and made whole once again.

Why is it that today, the day before the one year anniversary of Tori’s Heaven-going, my heart feels so heavy? She was gone yesterday, she was gone two months ago; nothing has changed, but for some reason this milestone brings back emotion. This is a rhetorical question, of course. Time is strange in that it heals but it also reminds you of what you once had more strongly as it passes.

We’ve pondered how to spend March 27 for months now, and we came up with an idea last week to return to the Philly Zoo to feed giraffes. However, we won’t be able to do that until April 17, so tomorrow we will celebrate her Heaven-going anniversary by eating fried apples at Cracker Barrel (her favorite!) and remembering her with joy. 

We refuse to sit at home and be sad – that isn’t how we lived life with her and that will not be how we live life without her. We taught her to embrace life and choose to be joyful, and that’s what we will do tomorrow. We remember God’s faithfulness and perfect guidance the ten days before He called her home and are filled with gratitude. 

We miss our baby girl every moment of every day and we anxiously await our someday reunion in Heaven. But, for now, we will continue to live life with passion and joy, just like we did with her here. ❤

What Might Have Been

I try not to think about what might have been, cause that was then…

We can’t go back again, there’s no use giving in, and there’s no way to know what might have been.

– Little Texas

It’s so easy to let our minds run away from us and to ponder what might have been instead of what actually is. 

If we aren’t careful, we can make ourselves incredibly sad on days like today – when our Tori would have turned two – instead of celebrating instead that she is healed and with Jesus. 

We could focus on all that she might be doing as a two year old here on earth, or we can imagine her healed, whole, healthy body running around in Heaven where we will see her again (soon, but not quite yet, as Jim Kelly said yesterday).

Brennan and I have learned that you must take control of your thoughts in times like this – not that you can’t grieve, of course, but to not force yourself into sadness simply because you are wondering about what may have been. It doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t benefit you in any way, and it doesn’t bring joy. In fact, it steals joy. 


It’s a choice, just as joy is. You can choose to have a great day or a miserable day based on how you control your thoughts.

So, today, on Tori’s birthday, we are remembering the great times we had with her. We are thinking about what actually happened instead of what could have happened if she had been healthy. 

And our joy is REAL. It is genuine. It is God-given.

We take such joy in knowing that she is running around with Jesus. She breathes normally, her nerves don’t cause pain, and her body is whole. And that is the best possible gift we could receive today ❤️

Thank you, Jesus, for Your peace and joy, and thank you for making us Tori’s parents.

Hospice Butterfly Release

Today, Hospice of Central Pennsylvania held a butterfly release to honor our loved ones who have passed away. Though Brennan had to work, I went to represent our family and to release a butterfly in Tori’s honor.

It was held in a beautiful part of the Capital Area Greenbelt that has been made into a garden – the Five Senses Garden.

Each participant was handed a little white folded triangle that contained a butterfly, eager to escape and fly away. Mine was definitely ready:


We released them in unison and watched them fly away:


I looked around at those gathered and I wondered about each of their situations, hoping that they weren’t there because they, too, had lost a child, but I’m sure I wasn’t alone.

Thank you, Hospice of Central Pennsylvania, for not only caring for our loved ones while they are dying, but also for continuing to so thoughtfully care for those left behind. ❤️

 

 

Even Though…

I love when God speaks to you so clearly through circumstances. If you come across a passage of Scripture once in a day you might read it and then move on. When it appears three times, separately, in three different books/blogs, you pay attention.

Today I was finishing up “Amazed and Confused” by Heather Zempel and began reading “Praying God’s Word” by Beth Moore. In addition to those two books, I read an excellent post by my friend Judy about rejoicing in God no matter what comes our way.

All three of these resources referenced and spoke about the SAME passage of Scripture.

What was the common passage?

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“Even though…”


Habakkuk 3:17-19 is not a new passage to me. It’s one I considered many times throughout our journey with Tori because it absolutely applied to our situation.

Habakkuk is stating that no matter what happens, no matter how hard things become, he would rejoice in the Lord and be joyful. 

Heather Zempel’s commentary on this book of the Bible – and on this passage, specifically – is excellent. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

“God is still good, sovereign, and faithful, despite the circumstances we see around us, and is therefore worthy to be praised.” (pg. 153)

“We learned that faith was not about conjuring an idea in our heads and finding ways to fuel it; faith was recognizing that God always had something better in mind than what we could see in the present circumstances. We understood that perspective might not change the facts of our reality, but they certainly changed our perception of reality.” (pg. 156)

Through it all, we trusted (and continue to trust) the God who made us all, who sent His Son because He loves us lavishly, and the One who knows what the future holds.

“What’s the difference between people who face the unknown and see fear and those who see opportunity? What makes a person look at a dead-end and see open-ended possibilities? Story. The story we have been told will set the stage for what we expect in the next chapter and will inform us of the role we play.” (pg. 157)

“When Habakkuk came to a place where God’s actions collided with his expectations, he found the only hopeful response was worship that was rooted in an unshakable and undeniable awareness of God’s character, ways, and works.” (pg. 160)

“As we see God more, we are able to praise Him more. We more clearly recognize and acknowledge the hand of God at work in our lives, and the practice becomes an act of worship and a hymnal for worship in days to come.” (pg. 164)

“Habakkuk is not just comforting himself by playing with ideas; he is speaking of the things that God has actually done. The Christian faith is solidly based upon facts, not ideas. And if the facts recorded in the Bible are not true, then I have no hope or comfort. For we are not saved by ideas; but by facts, by events.” – D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones (quoted on pg. 169)

“This brand of faith knows God can…believes He will…but worships even if He doesn’t.” (pg. 177)

“We can frame the character of God according to our circumstances, or we can frame our circumstances according to what we know of the character of God. We can let our circumstances inform what we know to be true of God or we can let what we know to be true about God inform our circumstances. As Warren Wiersbe said, “God doesn’t always chance the circumstances, but He can change us to meet the circumstances. That’s what it means to live by faith.”‘ (pg. 178-9)

God continually reminded the Israelites of the importance of remembering all that He had done for them, and yet they continued to forget. When they weren’t studying His word and their history, they lost sight of God’s goodness and plan and they strayed from His will.

As we said at the beginning of our journey, God has never been unfaithful to us, so why would He be unfaithful now? Because we have reminded ourselves for years of His wonderful works since the beginning of time and of those in our own lives, trusting Him with Tori came fairly easily.

“He works things together for His purpose and not our expectations.” (pg. 184)

“Whether He delivers from, delivers through, or delivers later, we know that He is always present.” (pg. 186)

‘His faith was not rooted in what he could see but in what he could not see in the moment. He anchored into the brand of faith that the author of Hebrews described: “Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen” (Hebrews 11:1).’ (pg. 186)

Oh yeah, and Hebrews 11:1 (quoted above) was also the verse of the day on WordFM today so I heard it many times throughout my day.

“Sovereignty means that God is in charge. Eternally in charge. We need God to redefine our suffering against the background of eternity because eternity puts things into perspective.” (pg. 188)

When things don’t go as we had planned, do we run from God or run TO God? Why is it so easy for us to discard our faith just because things get tough? Why don’t we trust His proven faithfulness to be present in our own lives?

“I refuse to let what I don’t know keep me from worshiping what I do know.”
(pg. 190)

(I know it seems like I just quoted the entire book but I promise there is so much more wisdom to be gleaned – you should read it!)

This final quote is a great summary of our perspective on Tori’s short life.

We KNOW that there is ONE true God. We know that God is sovereign, that He is good and loving and gracious. We KNOW that there is a Heaven waiting for those who believe in Jesus and that this life is only the beginning. We are certain of these things!

We DON’T know why God chose us to be Tori’s parents, why He chose her to have Krabbe, and why He didn’t choose to heal her on earth so that she could grow up under our care. We don’t know what the future holds for us in regards to having more children. We don’t know. But, as the quote above says, we aren’t going to let these few unknowns keep us from serving and praising the One who does know!

We know that He has a plan for us and that Tori is waiting for us in Heaven. Whether or not God chooses to reveal to us His thoughts on this situation here or if we will find out in Heaven, it is still well with our souls.

Our faith isn’t blind, and it isn’t a band-aid. Our faith is the frame through which we view this entire life and it’s the source of our joy and our peace, and it’s the reason why we continue to praise God and choose joy “even though” we lost our only child. 

After all, our loss doesn’t change God’s character or His purposes for us. He is STILL good.

Removing the Sting of Death, Part Three

Disclaimer: As with anything I write, I write with the understanding that we all process death and grieving differently – even as believers – and this is not a judgment or a criticism of anyone who handles these things differently. I write about my own beliefs and understanding of death given the hope that Jesus brings to us all, and I write about how this is playing out in my own life in hopes that it might encourage others in their own journeys. 

I have broken this into three posts because of the length. You can read parts one and two here.


It is often said that we tend to only believe God when it’s easy. Afterall, it’s easy to follow God when life is going well, when we have plenty, when things are comfortable.

As Job so beautifully demonstrated, God is STILL good and His word is still true even when we lose it all. 

He is still worthy of our praise and devotion even when we lose a child. 

And, true faith follows even when the way is unclear.

We need to realize that God’s Word is relevant in ALL parts of our lives, including death and other difficult times.

Do we believe the Bible or just parts of it that are convenient and easy?

What about when life is messy?

If we believe that the Bible is the holy word of God Himself, how can we disregard the promises and hope He gives even through the difficult issues?


The Bible mentions death numerous times, and those verses are typically followed by a reminder of the hope that we have because of what Jesus did on the cross. Here’s one example:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope
Then we will be with the Lord forever.
So encourage each other with these words.

– 1 Thess. 4:13, 17-18 (bold emphasis mine)

Paul tells us to ENCOURAGE each other about death in this passage. Death was never God’s plan for us, but Adam and Eve changed the course of history and death became inevitable. One bite of an apple (disobedience) brought death into the world.

“We are geared for perfection which is why we are always so disappointed in life.”
– Rachel Gunsauls

And yet, death is NOT the end for any of us. We are all born with eternal souls and we make the choice during this life to follow Jesus or to walk away from Him – a choice that results in an eternity in Hell.

For those who have chosen Jesus, we have no reason to fear death. Death is merely the next step toward our eternal home and we will be FREE of all of the issues this world contains. This world is NOT our home. One day we will be with Jesus Himself, forever, and that is GREAT news! That alone is reason to REJOICE always.

Romans tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:1-2) and this happens when we embrace God’s Truth and allow it to transform us…this pertains to death as well!

Jesus told not to worry (Matthew 6:34), to not be afraid (multiple times), and to remember that He has overcome the same world from which we wish to hide (John 16:33).

We are instructed to dwell on things above not on earthly things:

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand.
Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.
For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.
And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world,
you will share in all his glory…
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn
to know your Creator and become like him.

– Colossians 3:1-4, 10


The world has no hope, but we do. And how are they going to find the hope that we have if we don’t live it out?


Here’s my advice:

Trust the Lord FULLY, even when you can’t see what He’s doing.

Don’t wonder what might have been, don’t have regrets.

Live life to the fullest NOW and focus on what matters – loving God and loving others.

Then you will have greater peace when a loved one goes to Heaven before you.


I long for Heaven more than ever before now that Tori is a resident of that wonderful place, and I am enjoying learning more about her current (and our future) home.

I know that someday we will be reunited FOREVER and will never be apart. The anticipation of that day brings such excitement, even though I have no idea how long it will be until we are reunited. All I know is that it will feel as if no time has passed at all since Heaven doesn’t operate within the time we know.

Does all of this mean that I shouldn’t cry when I miss her? Of course not. Grief is natural and I will never stop missing her.

However, I do believe that having a biblical perspective on death and Heaven eases the blow of her absence, and it brings me peace that cannot be otherwise explained.

Set your minds on things above…choose joy…be grateful…trust God.

Heaven, along with the knowledge that we’ll be reunited with our loved ones (who also knew Jesus), removes the sting of death, one thorn at a time.

Praise Jesus for His grace and mercy that make any of this possible.

Removing the Sting of Death, Part Two

Disclaimer: As with anything I write, I write with the understanding that we all process death and grieving differently – even as believers – and this is not a judgment or a criticism of anyone who handles these things differently. I write about my own beliefs and understanding of death given the hope that Jesus brings to us all, and I write about how this is playing out in my own life in hopes that it might encourage others in their own journeys. 

I have broken this into three posts because of the length. You can read part one here.


I have been blessed with a few wise women in my life, women who love the Lord and whose words are gentle and timely. These friends are worth more than gold and I’m so grateful for their presence in my life.

Recently I had the opportunity to sit and visit with my friend Rachel. I have known Rachel since middle school and she has been a source of encouragement and comfort throughout this entire journey with Tori, always praying for us and texting/emailing me notes of encouragement just when I needed them the most.

As we sat in her beautiful backyard, surrounded by oak trees and golden waves of grass, our conversation veered toward God and His Word as it usually does. As we talked about Tori’s heaven-going, I mentioned that I try to always say it like that – heaven-going – instead of “death” or “passing away” because that’s the truth. That’s where she is.

Rachel remarked that she thinks that Christians should have an entirely different term for death/passing away than the world does because we KNOW that those who believe in Jesus as their Lord and Savior are in HEAVEN.

They aren’t just gone, they didn’t cease to exist entirely – they are in their eternal home, the one in which we as Believers will reside someday, as well. It’s not goodbye, it’s “see you soon!” This should bring us JOY!


“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”

 “No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus told him, I am the way, the truth, and the life.
No one can come to the Father except through me.

– John 14:1-6

Jesus told us He was going to prepare a place for us and that we would one day join Him there. If we believe His Word to be true, we should believe Him in this, as well. He said we shouldn’t allow our hearts to be troubled with things of this world, but to trust Him, instead.

And yet, we allow the Enemy to instill fear and long-lasting sorrow within us when our loved ones become residents there…

Do we miss their presence in our earthly lives? Of course – they impacted us, we loved them, and now they aren’t physically present. That’s the sting of death that Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians 15:54-55.

However, they aren’t really gone – they are in the presence of our resurrected Savior and are made whole again! We must remind ourselves of this instead of being overtaken by sorrow and grief.


Knowledge is power, we are taught from birth; wisdom is applying the knowledge we possess to our lives. The knowledge that our loved ones who knew Jesus are in Heaven is powerful and can aid in turning our mourning into dancing.

The way that we combat the work of the enemy in any area of our lives is by applying and speaking Truth into the situation. Occasionally, the enemy attempts to make me feel regret and guilt in regards to Tori’s short life. In those moments, I halt those attempts by speaking truth: we lived life with Tori to the fullest and we cared for her in the best possible way. We have NO reason to have regrets or guilt!

Truth brings FREEDOM.

The enemy tries to make us feel afraid, overcome with sorrow, and filled with guilt and regret. He wants us to feel like failures, like we are unworthy of God’s love and grace. When we remind ourselves of God’s Truth and His promises, we can overcome these things!

Speak truth in the middle of your fear and sorrow. Remind yourself that God is good, He is faithful, He is sovereign. He loves you and IS love. He is still God even when you can’t see His hand working.

One of the truths I remember daily is that Tori is no longer confined in a broken body that couldn’t function properly – as her mother, knowing that she is free makes me so happy! She has beaten Krabbe and has overcome it! The course of Krabbe in her life was inevitable, so the hope and joy of Heaven is indescribable.


It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies…

…What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.

Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled: “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? ” For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable.
Always work enthusiastically for the Lord,
for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15:42-58‬ ‭NLT‬‬
(bold emphasis mine)

To be continued in part three…

Removing the Sting of Death, Part One

Disclaimer: As with anything I write, I write with the understanding that we all process death and grieving differently – even as believers – and this is not a judgment or a criticism of anyone who handles these things differently. I write about my own beliefs and understanding of death given the hope that Jesus brings to us all, and I write about how this is playing out in my own life in hopes that it might encourage others in their own journeys. 

I have broken this into three posts because of the length. Stay tuned for part two!


Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies
that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”

1 Corinthians 15:54-55 NLT

My grandfather, Papa Fay, passed away last June after a long battle with Alzheimer’s Disease. He was the first (and only, thus far) grandparent I had lost – something I do not take for granted. His death taught me so much and, though I didn’t recognize it at the time, it prepared me for Tori’s passing nine months later.

We watched him decline as the horrible disease overtook his faculties and we prayed for years that the Lord would take him home so that he wouldn’t suffer any longer on this earth. When he went to Heaven on June 10, 2015 he was no longer the man any of us had known and loved – he was merely a shell, a body.

His death brought us joy because we knew for certain that he had a relationship with Jesus and that He was now present with the Lord in Heaven. He could visit with people (his favorite thing to do, a joy that the disease robbed from him as time passed), he could walk, sing, dance, and express himself. He was FREE from the chains of Alzheimer’s Disease at last, and we know that we will one day be reunited with him for eternity. What hope and joy that knowledge brings!

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As we watched Tori decline and saw Krabbe taking a strong hold of her precious little body, this experience with Papa Fay brought me such comfort. She was no longer the baby we once had and her brain was gradually losing the ability to function well. If God wasn’t going to heal her here on earth, we were comforted by the knowledge that He would heal her in Heaven.

After all, God’s Word tells us this about Heaven:

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death
or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.
– Revelation 21:4

When we – as followers of Jesus – are living with Eternity in mind, our earthly perspective on death should shift from sorrow to joy. 

How is this possible?

We all know that death is inevitable – Scripture (and life experience) make that clear.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die. – Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a

And I know you are sending me to my death— the destination of all who live.
– Job 30:23

None of us can hold back our spirit from departing.
None of us has the power to prevent the day of our death. – Ecclesiastes 8:8

BUT, we also know that this earth isn’t our home, it isn’t where we belong.

Death is NOT the end of our existence.

We are only here for a short time, to form a relationship with God and to preach the Gospel to all so that all might be saved through Him. We are here to prepare for eternity.

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow:

Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.”
How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?
Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.
What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.”
– James 4:13-15

Don’t brag about tomorrow,
    since you don’t know what the day will bring.
– Proverbs 27:1

Since we aren’t going to live on this earth forever, why do we allow ourselves to become so sad when our loved ones who knew Jesus depart for Heaven?

To be continued…