Completely Different

I haven’t changed my phone wallpaper in almost two years.

My dad captured this moment only a couple of days before Tori went to Heaven and it’s the last non-selfie photo I have of me and her together. I have had no desire to change it because it’s comforting to me. I like that it’s always there, easy to find, and that it represents the deep trust she had in me.

I like that it’s the same photo day after day.

This pregnancy has been both similar and different to my pregnancy with Tori. In many ways, though it was still relatively easy, hers was more complicated.

Both pregnancies were/are easy in regards to no morning sickness, little discomfort, no swelling, etc. I do not take it for granted that my body seems to like pregnancy!

But there are some major differences:

  • I had gestational diabetes.
  • I had excess amniotic fluid (because of the GD).
  • I gained over 30 pounds.
  • My hips caused me pain constantly.
  • She would sleep through non-stress tests, triggering multiple ultrasounds each week.
  • I tried to deliver her naturally and ended up having an unplanned c-section.

When we found out that we were having identical twins (mono/di), we immediately assumed that we were in for a rough ride.

And, thus far, we’ve been completely wrong.

  • I passed my glucose test!
  • My fluid levels are normal.
  • I have only gained 20 pounds.
  • My hips only hurt while trying to sleep.
  • We will see about the non-stress tests, which start at 32 weeks 😉
  • Even though I have ultrasounds every other week, everything is going as smoothly as possible! No complications; good, steady growth; very active; healthy boys.
  • This c-section is scheduled, and I am happy about it this time!

I had prayed that God would let us have the easy road this time, and while we’re not in the clear until they are born, so far He has blessed us with a normal pregnancy, and we are beyond grateful. I needed this.

(25 weeks and 29 weeks)

We’ve begun to realize that everything about what’s going to happen in April is completely different than with Tori.

  • Boys, not a girl
  • Two, not one
  • No Krabbe, no genetic issues

And we need these differences, too.

Because it will be completely different, there will be less temptation to compare them to Tori. She has her place in our hearts and they will have theirs. ❤️

We have no reason to fear the future with the twins and yet we are going to be waiting…for the NBS results, for the 5/6 month mark (when Tori’s symptoms surfaced), for them to surpass her life of 19 months and 27 days. I think until we hit that mark we will wonder if the genetic testing was wrong, if the Newborn Screening was wrong, if things are going to be the same as they were with Tori.

The boys are going to learn to crawl, talk, walk, run, play…things we can’t even imagine because Tori was robbed of those opportunities. I can’t wait (and yet I can) until they are mobile and able to get away from us – something Tori never could.

Usually the status quo brings comfort; in this case, the differences are refreshing. And we need them.

I wonder what I will do and how I will feel when the boys are here in regards to my phone wallpaper. I imagine that will be an emotional moment, even if the new photo incorporates Tori in some way, because it will be a reminder that she is in Heaven and not here with her brothers.

But, as we move forward in our new adventure, we know that things are going to change, that change isn’t bad; that things are going to be new and wonderful, even if bittersweet, and we will learn to embrace the change and the joy that these precious boys will bring to our lives.

And we can’t wait. ❤️

9 thoughts on “Completely Different

  1. Praying for all to go well and you have two beautiful healthy boys who I’m sure will get to know their older sister in heaven. Best wishes to all and your book was best I’ve read in awhile Gid bless you all ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Praying for you and Brennan and the sweet baby boys, it will certainly be a good change, and change is good although sometimes scary, never forgetting sweet Tori. Praying the rest of the pregnancy goes well and the C-section goes well, and those sweet baby boys will be happy and healthy and when they are older they will learn so much about their big sister, sweet Tori. God bless each of you.

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  3. Beautiful post and update…thank you for sharing. I’ve followed your story for a long time. I’ve had loss after loss in my life and was never able to have a child of my own. The details of my past life could be a lifetime movie, but now I’m in a better place and I at least get to be a mom of three wonderful “bonus kids” through my hubby. I try to be grateful everyday, but sometimes it’s hard to not think or dwell on the past. You’re positive attitude, paired with honesty, and unshakeable faith… have always encouraged me. I wish you the very best!

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  4. Tori will always and forever have a place in your heart. The boys will keep you busy for sure but not too busy to Thank God for Tori. When you embrace her again she will be able to give you a tour of Heaven. She may even have met our children Jennifer and Samuel

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  5. So excited for the upcoming birth of the boys! Tori is watching from Heaven in a healthy body and mind! She knows how much you love her as I’m sure you know she loved you two! I can’t wait to see those boys! Remember Tori would have been the best big sister ever!

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  6. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been following it since you shared Tori’s diagnosis. Praying for a safe and “easy” delivery of your twin boys. Twin boys are loads of fun! You look fabulous!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Praying for all of you. I can’t imagine about the wallpaper on your phone. I haven’t changed the wallpaper on my phone from my dog who died 3.5 years ago. Not that I’m in anyway comparing my dog to your baby, just that it has to be many times more difficult.

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  8. God is good and holding on to all your hearts as you are almost the parents of twin boys! Time to get sneakers permanently implanted on your feet because you will need to be able to move fast! Hugs and prayers. Sheri in Red Lion


  9. I so enjoy being a part of your journey! Although sad with the loss of Tori💖, I am SO excited for you two right now! TWIN BOYS, double the pleasure, double the fun 💙💙…..GOD closes one door, and opens another! BLESS you, and I am praying for all things to be better than you could ever imagine! I cannot wait until you share the next step of your journey 😇

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