Today was the first time in ninety-eight days that I was by myself with the boys all day long. Brennan returned to work on Friday but my parents were still here. I worked at The Hershey Story yesterday so Brennan had his first day by himself with them in ninety-seven days.

Today was mine.

We had fallen into such a great routine over the last three months – one we knew would end eventually, of course. We found our rhythm and our life was functioning smoothly – perhaps more smoothly than ever. Today began my journey of figuring out how to make it run smoothly with just me at home again.

And it wasn’t the smoothest day.

I write this because I’m so thankful for these past three months (though obviously not thankful for the terrible disease sweeping our world). I’m so thankful that Brennan has such a servant’s heart and that he fully embraced his life at home and didn’t just sit around doing nothing. I’m most thankful that he had such awesome quality time with his boys and that he knows them so much better now than he did three months ago.

Today our old/new life began. It didn’t take long for me to be reminded of my need for grace – for myself and for the boys. I no longer have someone at home to “tag in” when I need to accomplish something or if I need a break – it’s just me. We’re also still learning how to function in a two-story house with very curious (and fast) toddlers. There’s been a lot of change for all of us.

In the last ninety-eight days the boys have grown and learned so much, and with that comes new joy and new frustrations. While I love seeing them become more independent, that makes my job more challenging when I’m by myself. I cannot be too hard on myself – or on them – when they are being two-year-olds.

If at the end of the day they are alive, happy, and fed, I have done my job. The house isn’t going to be as clean as it was while Brennan was home, and that’s more than okay.

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I know it will get easier as I find my new rhythm, make course corrections, and relearn how to be a stay-at-home-mom. Until then, I will take it one moment at a time and remember how blessed I am to have this opportunity to raise these two precious boys.