I have been a follower of Jesus for most of my life. I have attended church since I was born and officially became a Christian when I was eight.
During the past 24 years of my walk with God, I have seen Him do amazing things. I have seen Him keep His promises time and time again. I have watched His plans for me unfold and have always been amazed at how things turned out, because there were many times when I could not see what He was doing. I could only see the trees when He could see the forest. I have seen Him work all things together for good (Romans 8:28).
I could list example after example of His work in my life – including the process of bringing me from California to Pennsylvania, where I met the love of my life and started a family. Brennan could do the same. But I won’t do that right now.
Right now, Brennan and I are journeying along an undesirable path, and we are pleading with God daily to change the course. Losing our daughter is absolutely not what we ever saw coming, and our hearts are broken over the prospect of being childless again.
Over two years ago, God changed my heart about being a stay-at-home mom (and about having children in general). You can read about that here and here.
We prayed for Tori for nearly two years as we tried to conceive. We trusted that God would bless us with a child. When we saw the positive test on December 1, 2013, we were ecstatic! We knew (and know) that God had placed parenthood in our hearts and we were so happy to finally begin!
His timing is not our own, and it is perfect. His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Trust is built over time in any relationship. God has never failed us and we know without a doubt that He loves us.
We trust God and His plan, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t struggling with any of this.
On one side, we have seen and heard already how Tori’s life is impacting people and how, potentially, God is changing thousands of lives through her. We praise Him for that and are humbled that He would use our family in that way.
But, we also ask why it has to be her. Why us? Why do we have to lose our daughter for these lives to be impacted?
Why doesn’t He heal her and change the world through her testimony? What an amazing display of His power that would be! We believe that He can – and pray that He will – do that. But we just don’t know what He is planning. Right now the trees are looming overhead and our perspective is limited.
It is a moment by moment struggle for us. We have never loved anyone like we love this tiny, precious human. We cannot imagine our lives without her. Yet, we know that God loves her, and us, and that He has an amazing plan for her. And we are choosing hope over despair, because we know that God is sovereign and we trust His plan.
And so we wait. We pray. We trust. We love her and each other. We cherish each moment because we don’t know how many moments remain. And we are thankful for whatever time we are given with our precious Tori.
God is faithful and trustworthy.
Even So, Joy 
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