Everyone told me that it would be different with my own kids, and I prayed that they were right because kids have never been my forte. Teens, yes. Babies and children, no.
But they were right. In the ten months we have had with Tori thus far, I have been continually amazed at the patience, grace, love, and devotion that flows so freely from me toward her. This isn’t boastful because I know it has nothing to do with me – it is all from Jesus.
Motherhood fits me so much better than I ever dreamed and it has brought out the best in me (so far). Being at home every day to be a wife and mom is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. I can’t imagine doing anything else full time…
…and now I daily face the prospect of not only losing my baby, but of never being a mother again.
Sure, we have options for parenthood. Five, to be exact. But none of them would allow us to keep Tori, to raise her here on earth.
The words of Alfred Lord Tennyson have wandered around in my mind ever since we received Tori’s diagnosis.
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
I have pondered his words over and over again…And I don’t know if I agree, at least not at this moment, in the middle of our journey with Krabbe.
If we indeed lose Tori and God takes her to Heaven to be with Him, I know our hearts will be broken because we will no longer have her here on earth.
To lose her will hurt more than we can begin to imagine right now.
Will the pain we experience then be worth the immense love we feel for her now? Will it be worth the joy she has brought to our lives?
I don’t know.
Have we changed because of her presence? Of course. Am I closer to Jesus because of knowing her? Absolutely.
But losing her here on earth will be incredibly difficult.
Maybe it will be clearer after she is no longer with us, once we can celebrate her being with Jesus, free from Krabbe.
But this also applies to our questions about future children as well. The fear of going through something like this again is too much to bear at the moment. The fear of opening my heart again to another child is overpowering at times.
This is irrational because if she were healthy we would already be trying for the second baby – it isn’t like we are trying to replace her. But, for reasons I cannot yet fully name, most days I think I cannot handle having any more children if we lose Tori.
Fear is easy; hope is excruciating.
The easy thing to do would be to refrain from having (or obtaining through adoption) additional children. It would just be the two of us and we could do whatever we wanted.
But we didn’t want it to just be the two of us; we wanted a family.
This may seem preemptive and premature to some, but we aren’t exactly young parents and the clock is ticking. This is something we need God’s wisdom about sooner rather than later.
Please pray for Brennan and me to be able to clearly discern God’s plan for our future in terms of having more children.
Being a mother has been the best thing that I have ever done, and I pray desperately that I can raise Tori to be a godly woman who can lead her siblings well. That is all I ask.