In Brennan’s Words: One Year Ago

Brennan and I both took time to write down our thoughts and memories about how we felt one year ago. We also wrote about how we feel and what our perspective is today. 

This is the first of three posts to come as we near diagnosis day. 

Here is Brennan’s heart about last year…

Jan. 30-Feb. 13, 2015

After we got the results from the CT scan, I remember feeling so afraid for Tori.

Selfishly, I also felt scared for myself because I did not want to entertain the thought of losing her.

However, since nothing was definite, I just remember praying silently and with Lesa, pleading with God to let it be something simple. Something they could fix.

That weekend was the longest of our entire marriage, and maybe of our lives. The only encouragement we had to cling to besides each other was the tremendous amount of prayer and support received over the next several days.

When the MRI was finally done, our fears were heightened because of the severity of the possible damage we were shown. But still, we continued to pray and plead with God to spare our little girl.

The five day hospital stay we endured due to Tori not wanting to eat didn’t help matters any. However, we received tremendous help and support from the staff at the hospital to make things a little easier in the hopes that the new normal would just be temporary.

Toward the end of the hospital stay, they finally ordered the blood test and sent it off to be evaluated and to determine exactly what was going on with Tori.

It was only a short day later that we were called back into the neurologist’s office and given the worst possible news we could have ever imagined.

When I heard the doctor deliver the results, my heart immediately sank and I began to cry with Lesa. I felt like I was sucker punched in the gut, the head, and the heart all at once, and I remember thinking how truly unfair it was that we were going to lose our little girl.

In some strange way, the multiple phone calls I made to family and friends to share the news got easier the more I made. I could feel myself almost becoming completely numb to the situation just mere hours after being told the awful news.

What was just as bad was the hurt and pain I heard on the other end of the line as those friends and family tried to comfort me.

The date was February 13, 2015 and it will be a day that will live in my memory forever, no matter what happens with Tori.