Day One

Today our new life begins.

A life without Tori. A life with new purpose and priorities.

The visitors have stopped, the mail has slowed, the house is quiet.

Tori has been a resident of Heaven for a month now.

My dad has returned to California after being here for five weeks total.

It’s just the two of us now.

Today is the third first day of our new life together.

11.06.10 – We said “I do” and our life together began

07.30.14 – Victoria Ruth was born and our life as a family began

04.26.16 – Our life without Tori – just the two of us again – officially begins

I sit at the dining room table making a list of all the things that I need to accomplish while I sing along to some new favorite worship songs and drink my second cup of coffee.

We are taking some time to not only focus on our marriage but on our individual selves. This is especially important for me because I now have to establish a new routine, new objectives, and, really, a new life. The past two years were primarily focused on Tori and I selflessly poured all my effort and energy into her care.

How do I even begin to focus on myself now?

We decided that I won’t be trying to find an official job in this interim between Tori and whatever comes next. I have lobbying to do, and we hope to have more children in a year or two, so I need to remain home.

It’s so strange to be able to build a daily routine that involves only me – I have to answer questions such as “how do I want to fill my days?” Wisely. 

I have a few priorities right now: lobbying for Newborn Screening, writing a book, getting healthy (including losing all of my “sitting on a couch for fourteen months weight”), spending time in The Word, learning to love to cook again, playing piano and guitar, and continuing to maintain our home and garden.

Driving for UBER and working at MHS  will bring in some extra money in the meantime while still allowing me to focus on things like lobbying and writing. I’m so thankful for our careful budgeting and frugality that allow us to live on one income so well.

We have planned some trips this year and we are looking forward to our adventures and to spending quality time with one another.

I have no desire to fill my calendar and be “busy” every day – in fact, I am forcing myself to allow plenty of time to just “be” and to continue to process all that has happened.

My heart aches for my baby girl and I know that will never go away. But, as much as I long with all my heart to have her back with us, I know that she is where she is supposed to be. Where we ALL (as followers of Jesus) are supposed to be one day.

One day at a time I will establish new routines and take care of myself and our home. The Lord has brought us this far and I know that He will continue to lead us well. We trust Him with our past, present, and future, and we are thankful for His loving and gracious care.

10 thoughts on “Day One

  1. I am praying for you today as you enter a new chapter. Being still is a gift. May you uncover the new routine gently and intentionally.


  2. I hope and pray that God meets you in this place of rest and quiet, providing the wisdom and strength for your next step and new life.


  3. May you be showered with blessings as you begin on this new adventure. I pray that God fills your heart and lights your path. I am thankful that God brought you into my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As you enter this new chapter, don’t forget to allow yourself the time & space to grieve. After losing my husband to cancer I found it got harder before it got better. Cry out to the Lord. Don’t put a time limit on your grieving (& don’t let others try to put one on you). Look for a beautiful future, never forgetting the beautiful, yet heartbreaking past. Hold onto each other & share your joys & your sorrows. Strength comes when you support each other. Our God is faithful…always has been & always will be. You are an amazing woman, Lesa, & the two of you together have an awesome testimony. I still look for your posts every day, & smile every time I see Tori’s big, beautiful eyes. God has a plan for you, Lesa…I just KNOW it! ❤

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  5. My Prayers for you and Brennan in starting your new “Life without Tori”. I know each day will be different, but you can only take one day at a time…Stay focused in the day, you cant worry or plan for the days ahead, as only the Good Lord knows what it will be. I think of you guys often and also of Tori and her beautiful eyes…God Bless you…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hugs to you both as you go through this new stage.

    (About one of your to do’s: I just started slowly doing THM- Trim Healthy Mama, to get in better shape. If you want to borrow the book or anything to try it, you can borrow mine. The two sisters that started the plan are Christians and have a lot of great ideas. There are lots of websites/ blogs/ fb groups that follow the THM plan too and share recipes. But what makes me excited about the group is how they changed their eating for life, and not just following something to lose weight then go back to bad eating ways, plus it allows lots of grace in learning and eating.)


  7. Make sure there are doctor check ups for you and Brennan on your list… Taking care of Tori left no time for taking care of the two of you. Get your vitamin levels checked as well… give yourself a starting line… The race to all your goals will need you both healthy. Surrounding you with prayer…

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