Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss

I’ve mentioned before that ever since Tori went to Heaven I’ve felt quiet, as though I have nothing to say. And so I’ve stayed quiet, not wanting to force the words just for the sake of writing.

Well, I finally feel as though I have something about which I can write.

Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss.

As the date for our embryo transfer draws nearer, I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind and heart. We will be pregnant soon! I honestly feel like I’m already “nesting” even though I’m not even pregnant yet. Brennan can attest to this, haha. Granted, that’s partially because we still haven’t really moved into our house yet and I’m ready to be SETTLED. But I digress. My heart longs to be pregnant, to have the hope of future children.

I just want to be a mother again, to hold and care for these precious babies who are currently frozen. 

But there’s a lingering fear that I can’t quite chase away – a fear that one or even both of the embryos won’t attach. That I will miscarry. That we will have two or three children in Heaven and not just one. There’s little reason to think this will happen, says my doctor. I’m healthy, fertile, and have no reason to believe that the embryos won’t attach. We’ve seen how God has moved mountains to make this even possible. So why are these fears so present?

I have a feeling that parenting any child after losing Tori is going to be a greater blessing than we can imagine and yet contain the potential for greater fear than we’ve ever had before. Any symptom that reminds me of Krabbe. If they have reflux like we thought Tori did. If they have any developmental delays. Anything like that will have the potential to throw me back into the pre-diagnosis days with Tori, wondering if the genetic testing was wrong. Wondering if they do have Krabbe. I have a feeling this will be a challenge to overcome.

I’m not one to be fearful, really ever. I trust the Lord and I believe that He has me in His hands. I believe that He is in control and that He knows exactly what will become of these precious frozen embryos. So I must surrender, moment by moment, any fear or doubts that creep into my mind, because I know that they aren’t from Him. 

I will continue to process my thoughts and emotions about all of this as we progress though pregnancy and parenthood after losing Tori. I pray that my transparency is a blessing to others and that the Lord will continue to work in and through our lives.

Please pray for our embryos – our son and our daughter: pray that they will survive the thaw, that they will attach to my uterus quickly, and that they will develop into healthy, thriving babies. September 1 is quickly approaching! 


7 thoughts on “Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss

  1. So many prayers for the two of you sweetie. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your life with us and the memories of your beautiful Tori.


  2. Oh Lesa… How I wish I could write something to ease your mind and comfort you. But we know where the wisest words are found, and within that beautiful book it reads,..
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
    in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight
    Proverbs 3:5-6
    I know that you’re here, and I’m certain that He will carry you if you need Him.
    Sending you love and hugs as you ready yourself for this beautiful time in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lesa your bravery and obedience to our Lord will be the cause for many to be brave and obedience. Thank you for shedding light on your fears with transparency and testimony; it’s sincerely to the glory of our God. In this weak humble state of utter dependence He shines most brightly through you, and this heavy burdensome part of life, brings you into the deepest and rarely seen parts of His glory and treasures. I know we’re on the opposite parts of the country, and our lives have taken different seemingly distant paths, but I’ve never felt closer to you in Christ. Your ministry of Hope, Faith, and Love, reaches beyond what you know, very deep into the hearts of many, including myself. I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you.

    Through His Grace,
    Cristopher Aguilar Jr

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think Tori is carefully planning this. She wants you to have just THE perfect babies. I pray everything goes well and can’t wait to hear that the embryos attached and that you’re pregnant. Best of luck. God bless


  5. I’m so very sorry for your loss and so happy and hopeful for your new future! I couldn’t even imagine going through what you’ve gone through. YOU’RE NEW GROWING FAMILY IS IN MY PRAYERS THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A STRONG INSPIRATION OF HOPE FOR BETTER THINGS, I know we didn’t know each other well but how proud I am to have met such a wonderful woman may God bless you and your soon to be beautiful family thank you for sharing your difficult journy
    Natasha Keys


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