When Tori was healthy, there was no doubt that she loved me. She would smile and talk to me, her eyes would light up when she saw me, and I knew that was her way of telling me how she felt.
Since January, the only way I can tell she loves me is by how she immediately calms down when l pick her up. Even the Early Intervention ladies took note of that.
But I miss the smiles and coos, the laughter.
So tonight, when she put her hand on my arm after she was startled and upset (which happens often now), it meant so much. Even as I type there are tears steaming down my face. I had Brennan come take a picture of the moment so that I could always remember it.
It could have been a complete coincidence, but I am choosing to believe that it was intentional.
It is so hard on this mama’s heart to watch my baby be in pain and to see her fading away. She is a mere shell of who she used to be and I miss her personality so very much. To not see her expressions of love anymore has broken my heart over and over.
Unless God intervenes, I will never hear her say “mama” or see her smile again. I will never get to hear her say she loves me. I try not to dwell on those thoughts but they creep in from time to time.
I know she trusts me and needs me even though she can’t show me in the same ways anymore. I know that.
What I am learning is that she is trying to show me – I just have learn her language.