Category: Musings and Ponderings

When Life is Uncomfortable: My Greatest “Kingdom Journey” Thus Far…

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“Through discomfort, I’ve learned to depend on God when my natural instinct is to rely on my own skills and talents.” — Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys

My greatest lessons in life have been learned through discomfort. This is an example that we see throughout the Bible : no one grows as much during periods of comfort and prosperity, but they grow exponentially through times of adversity and trials. Look at Moses, Abraham, Joseph and David, to name a few. The lives of these men did not go as they had anticipated, but they ended up being used by God in extraordinary ways because of their obedience and willingness to journey without a map in front of them.

“In the worship of security we fling our lives beneath the wheels of routine–and before we know it, our lives are gone.” — Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys

In 2007 I began to pray what many considered to be a “crazy” prayer but it is the prayer that has shaped me to this day in ways I could not have imagined. I prayed that God would make me uncomfortable. I was in a spiritual valley/rut and I saw no escape. I began to see a pattern in the Bible of growth following discomfort, so I boldly asked God for the same blessing. Had I known what was to come I might not have prayed so boldly.

“You can’t be remade until you first allow yourself to be unmade.” — Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys

2007-2008 brought so much change in my life. On top of the external change, I also developed pneumonia that I unknowingly (I was told it was just severe allergies at first) battled for 13 weeks. I was so sick and lost the ability to sing during that time because my throat was so raw and my lungs were so weak. Singing is possibly my greatest God-given talent, so to have it taken away was most definitely uncomfortable. In addition to sickness, He also began to shift relationships in my life and began paving the way for a greater future than I had imagined. In many ways, I felt broken inside. But I was open to whatever He had for me.

God began to break me so that I could be remade, and it came in ways I never would have anticipated…like moving across the country with no job, only two friends in the area, and a lot of unknowns.

The move began to take shape in October 2007, during a two-week visit to Pennsylvania. I flew out to sing at a friend’s wedding and to attend another friend’s wedding the week after. I decided to take a road trip around Pennsylvania to see some of the “kids” who were in my youth group in Williamsport (when I served as a summer missionary in 2002-2003) at their respective colleges. As I drove back to Williamsport after spending a few days in Pittsburgh, I was enamored with the fall foliage and the beauty that surrounded me. It hit me that I did not want to return to Southern California.

I’m a California Girl, through and through: I lived in Northern California until I turned 18, and I then moved to Southern California for college at Azusa Pacific University. By this point, I had already been there two years longer than I had expected (i.e. I had planned to move right after college) and I felt dread at the thought of returning. So, on that beautiful fall day in Central Pennsylvania, I began to pray that God would let me move to Pennsylvania. I prayed and prayed…and during the next six months I watched God in amazement as He prepared the way for the biggest move of my life.

Church became uncomfortable in many ways. I had been serving as the “Missions Coordinator” at my church and had been met with road blocks to a few projects that God had laid on my heart–and the road block was the pastor. No church is perfect, and no person is perfect, but this pastor in particular seemed to fight any idea that was new or that would change things at the church at all. The church council loved my idea: I had proposed a detailed plan to have it ready and operating before I moved, AND I had ways to have it completely funded. Road block. This only furthered my frustration and cemented the realization that it was time to pray about leaving the church (and the people I so dearly loved) to find a place to further God’s Kingdom in our community and to be obedient to Him and the ideas He had given me.

Our housing situation became uncomfortable. Very long story short, there were five girls altogether renting a house in a “gated community”, and the self-proclaimed leaders of the Home-Owners Association didn’t want us there. They wouldn’t even let us use the pool. The battle was long and so irrational, as we were quiet, respectful tenants who truly did not deserve this treatment.

Work became uncomfortable. I had been interviewing for a promotion and it seemed like it was “in the bag”–we all knew I was going to get it. But, I didn’t. Someone opted to take a step down (including a pay cut) from a supervisor position to the team leader position that I had worked so hard to achieve. That doesn’t just happen. I kept praying.

“People need pain to grow. So much of spiritual maturity has to do with how we process pain. Discipline entails embracing the painful or unpleasant in the short-term in order to realize long-term gains.”– Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys

I was preparing to spend a month in New Orleans with the mission team that I was co-leading from Azusa Pacific University, and my company informed me in early March that I would not be allowed to take the time off (even though they had previously approved it). I kept praying, but I knew that this was a CLEAR sign. He had led me to co-lead this team and He had orchestrated everything (including all of our funding). I knew New Orleans had to happen, and I knew that I would have to quit my job in order to go. And quitting my job meant that I was free to leave Southern California.

On March 18th, 2008, God gave me permission to move to Pennsylvania. I was praying as I walked around my neighborhood and I finally got my “verbal” (as opposed to circumstantial) answer: go or stay. He made it clear that He would use me in Southern California and He would use me in Pennsylvania–it was my decision to make.

“We can’t be fully transformed in our own backyard. We need to journey.” — Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys

Not only did the summer of 2008 involve a move across the country, it also involved a month-long “Kingdom Journey” in New Orleans, Louisiana, assisting with the continued clean-up in the city. I am still learning lessons from that trip–ones that are uncomfortable. God revealed so much to me about myself during that trip, and I still have a lot of growing to do.

Two weeks after we returned to Southern California from New Orleans, I set out on the biggest adventure of my life thus far. On July 15th, 2008, my mom and I left Glendora, CA and began our drive eastward, having no idea what God really had in store. And the adventure continues, five years later.

“A Kingdom Journey is most effective when we abandon what we think we cannot abandon. With less, we discover the core of who we are.” — Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys

The Start Experiment, Round Two: Day Nine

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Today, one of my wonderful fellow “Starters” posted something that almost made me cry because it spoke directly to my heart.

Know what isn’t the only reason you’re not working for your dreams? It isn’t always your fear that is preventing you from being successful. Sometimes it is your unwillingness to sacrifice. You’ve got to decide today that the pain of staying the same and not chasing your dream is costing you more than it would to chase it.  — Ashley Revely

Oh my. Between that and the email that Jon Acuff sent to those of us in Round Two today, I feel broken. In a good way. I forgot my journal at home, so I decided to just blog about it since I’m sure that others feel the same way and might need this encouragement.

Jon’s email today talked about not just settling for “jobs” when they’re not something that makes us feel alive and when they’re not part of our calling. I have done that my whole adult life. Every single job.

Funny “coincidence” that after I read that email I headed to an interview for a job that I could do and could do it well. But, it has nothing to do with the passions in my soul and my new-found mission in life. Same with the job I interviewed for last week. In fact, I honestly feel that accepting either of these jobs would be detrimental to my dream. Interesting what a new perspective can show you.

Ashley’s quote doesn’t only apply to my dream, though: it also applies to weight-loss and health. Before our wedding, perhaps because I had a goal, I lost 20 lbs and worked hard at it. I felt GREAT and loved what I saw in the mirror. I felt thin. After the wedding, I gained it all back PLUS some because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice things along the way. I’m realizing now that the cost of staying the same is far more painful than chasing my dream and working hard.

Today I’m going to break both my dream job and my dream of weighing 45 pounds less into simple steps and look at WHY I’m failing at weight loss. I know that most of it is due to lack of preparation and planning, but some is still due to laziness. What will it cost to pursue my dream and what sacrifices are necessary? I am thinking that any sort of permanent job is at the top of the list. I’m also thinking that getting up at 5am to ensure that I have plenty of focus-time will continue to be a must.

What is it costing me to stay the same? Joy, peace, self-image, contentment, passion.

What might it cost me to change? Time, effort, maybe financial sacrifice, trusting God a whole lot more.

The pain of staying the same is DEFINITELY costing me a lot. It’s time to sacrifice things that are standing in the way so that I can fully pursue what I am called to be.

Anything BUT Ordinary…

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I had an interview this past week for a potential part-time job, and during the interview the woman commented about my resume saying that I have had a very interesting life thus far. She noted the various types of jobs I have had (so diverse), the numerous skills and talents that I possess (also diverse), and, of course, noted the fact that I moved to Pennsylvania from California (that always surprises people).

As I was journaling this morning for my “Start Experiment” task, it got me thinking about my life and how I ended up the way that I am with the skills/talents/passions and experiences that I have; so, I started journaling it out because I remembered that Donald Miller emphasizes the importance of knowing your own story. I’ve never done anything like this before, but it was a really great exercise as I’m trying to figure out what specifically He has in store for me next.

As I wrote, I realized that I really have had an incredible, adventurous, unpredictable and blessed life. I decided that I should start blogging short segments of it because I also think that it can be encouraging (and entertaining) to others, as well as a way for me to reflect on the blessings God has so richly bestowed upon me.

I will try to start this process in the next week, so stay tuned!

The Start Experiment, Round 2: Day Three

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The further into this Start Experiment I go, the more I am filled with wonder and anticipation at what God is doing in my life and in my marriage. The second round is already proving to be more amazing than the first, and I think part of that is simply due to the fact that I have been able to figure out my dream. The other part is that this community of people continues to grow closer together and the momentum continues to build. We’re all in this together.

So far, I am 4.5 lbs down from when I started this project, which isn’t impressive considering that it has been a month. However, I wasn’t as strict as I wanted to be during the first round. I admittedly didn’t try as hard as I should have. But, that has changed. I have newfound determination.

To give myself a visual goal, I hung a dress on my closet door that I want to wear on our anniversary. I currently cannot fit into this dress, but I love it. I really want to wear it on November 6th. But, in order to wear it, I need to lose probably 20 more pounds in the next 83 days. That is a little over 11 weeks from now, and if I lose the recommended 2 pounds per week, I can lose more than 20 by then. That will be about half of my weight-loss goal.

So this is my audacious health-related goal: to lose 20 pounds by my anniversary so that I can wear the black dress.

I have nearly finished my photography portfolio and already submitted it to one organization. I am working with a new friend to finalize captions and things before she helps me submit it to people who might be able to help me reach my audacious dream of being a travel photographer.
Here’s the link to my portfolio: http://www.flickr.com/lesabrackbill

I am also going on a mission trip to Guatemala in February!

God is definitely moving in our lives, and I am SO excited to see what happens.

The Start Experiment: Choosing Destruction Over God’s Perfect Plan

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In my “One Year Bible” the Old Testament passage today was from 2 Chronicles 25. It has been fascinating reading about all of the past kings of Israel and Judah and how they followed (or didn’t follow) God’s leading. In today’s passage, the king was following God but encountered fear when presented with a message from the Lord that required significant sacrifice.

For context, at this time, the nation of Israel was not following the Lord but the nation of Judah was. King Amaziah of Judah was building up his army so that he would be prepared when battle arose (which it often did). He surveyed his available troops and found that he didn’t have quite as many as he wanted to have; so, he hired men from Israel to join his troops and paid them 7,500 pounds of silver in exchange. That’s quite an investment.

After this, the Lord sent a messenger to King Amaziah to warn him to not bring in troops from Israel and said that if he added those troops he would surely fail in battle, no matter how well he fought. Essentially, the Lord said to not have anything to do with Israel because He knew what was best in the long run for King Amaziah and Judah.

v.8 If you let them go with your troops into battle, you will be defeated by the enemy no matter how well you fight. God will overthrow you, for he has the power to help you or to trip you up.

This brings us to the verse that struck me this morning:

v.9 Amaziah asked the man of God, “But what about all that silver I paid to hire the army of Israel?”

The man of God replied, “The Lord is able to give you much more than this!” 

Let’s sum this up. Amaziah hears from the Lord that if he continues with his plan he will be destroyed by the Lord Himself. His first thought is about the money that he invested and what he will lose if he follows what the Lord is telling him to do, not on the fact that the Lord is saving his life and the lives of his troops from certain destruction! God knew the hearts of the people of Israel and knew that it would be worse for them to infiltrate the army of Judah and spread their influence than to just destroy them all. So he has two choices: be destroyed and waste your investment, or be saved and waste your investment.

From our perspective this seems so ridiculous. We look at Amaziah and think, “What a moron! Be grateful!” But, if we think about this in simpler terms, we realize that we all do this. We convince ourselves that we “need” whatever our temptation may be and we don’t want to give it up because the sacrifice seems to be too great.

For King Amaziah, it was manpower and money. For me, it is sugar. I love ice cream. I love chocolate. I have a sweet tooth that is genetic. When faced with facts like a family history of diabetes, being overweight, knowledge that the longer I wait to reform my lifestyle the harder it will be, it seems like it should be as simple as deciding not to drink alcohol was (due to family history of alcoholism)…but it isn’t.

If I take the verses above and put them into my context, here’s how they would read:

If you keep allowing sugar and unhealthy eating be part of your life, you will be defeated by your desires no matter how well you fight. 

Lesa asked the man of God, “But what about all that I am going to miss out on? I will be giving up so much!”

The man of God replied, “The Lord is able to give you much more than this!” 

In the moment, when presented with ice cream on a hot day, or chocolate everywhere I go in Hershey, it is so hard to remember the greater gift that lies ahead if I will just submit to a healthy lifestyle: weight loss and self-confidence, a longer life (in theory) because of my body being healthier, being a better example to our future children about what is really important in life, and most importantly, honoring God with the body He has given to me and keeping it holy and set-apart… Instead, all I can think about is what I am giving up in the moment. When that is my focus, it is easy to cave into the justifications like “You only live once!” or “Just this once, it won’t happen again” and eat that ice cream instead of exercising self-control.

Giving up refined sugar is hard. It is everywhere. But that can’t be an excuse for me to give in to temptation. There ARE ways to avoid it, even though it feels like I’m making a huge sacrifice. Fear tries to tell me that this is just too uncomfortable, that it isn’t worth it, that I can wait until tomorrow to start this…but the Voice of Truth says that the God I serve is greater than any of these things that my brain (and the world) tells me are desirable and worthy of my attention.

The New Testament passage today was from Romans 12, and this passage fit perfectly with the one above:

v.2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s Will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Bottom line: Don’t be afraid to give up something that will cause destruction in the end just because of what you have invested in it, or because of how uncomfortable it will be in the moment to let it go. God is greater than anything you are struggling with and He can give us FAR better things in exchange if we will just follow Him! 

 

The Start Experiment: My Risk

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I am really excited about this new adventure that I was invited to join. It’s hard to explain, so I’m not going to try right now. I’ll just explain my “risk” for the next 24 days. This is going to require me to be much more vulnerable on here than I’d like, but it will cause me to be more accountable to my readers, so I’ll do it.

I have chosen to focus on self-discipline/self-control for the next 24 days (and beyond) because it’s something I truly lack in most areas of my life.

It’s kind of ridiculous. Because I lack self-control, I have gained almost fifty pounds since our wedding almost three years ago. You read that right. Fifty pounds. I worked SO hard to lose a mere twenty pounds before the wedding and said that I would never allow myself to gain it back. Well, like most brides, I definitely gained “wedding weight” and it keeps getting worse. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate seeing people who I haven’t seen in a long time because my head tells me that they’re thinking, “Oh my goodness! Look at how overweight she is now!” and that makes me nervous. I hate that the Wii Fit tells me that I’m “obese” (that’s honestly the worst thing–that my “Mii” is short and round and Brennan’s is “normal” and healthy).

I know that it’s unhealthy to weigh as much as I do. I know that diabetes runs in my family and that this could lead to that eventually. I know that if I would just exercise in addition to our already mostly healthy eating habits that it would go away. I know that when I cut sugar out of my diet I feel SO great (and easily lose weight). And, I know that I am 30 years old now and it’s only going to get harder to change and lose weight. But, obviously all of this head knowledge is getting me nowhere. I need to start practicing self-discipline.

I’m not just lacking self-discipline in terms of exercise and eating habits, either. It has spread to spiritual areas as well. I admit that I don’t read my Bible every day any more. I don’t journal every day any more. And I can feel the effects of that deeply.

So, it’s time to “Start” and that starts tomorrow (July 15).

For the next 24 days, I will be held accountable by my team of 23 other people, by my assigned accountability partner, and by everyone who reads this post, to do the following:

  • I will choose to eat “clean” and strive to make great food choices.
  • I will do a minimum of 24 minutes of exercise each day.
  • I will choose to become more self-disciplined about reading the Bible, journaling, and praying by doing these things every day for 24 days.
  • I will blog every day for 24 days about my progress, including a before picture (ugh).

From this “risk” I believe that I will be more able to “Start” my actual dream (to be disclosed later) because I will have become more disciplined in many areas of life and my life will be improved as a result. And, I will also be much more confident in who God made me to be because I will be taking care of this gift He has given to me, the gift of a physical body. Self-discipline is NOT going to be easy or fun, but it’s really a requirement for an abundant life.

And that’s the best place for me to “Start”.

New Chapter…

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Friday marks my last day as an employee of my company. I am the second one in my department to be laid off due to budget cuts, which means that my small department has now lost 20% of their workforce.

I have been trying to leave this job for well over a year…I’ve been trying to find something that better fit my passions, skills, interests, etc. and I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to “be” in terms of a career. This job was never going to be a career–it was a stepping stone to hopefully move onto different positions within the company…and I have now been here for two years and eight months, not due to lack of trying!

About three weeks ago, after God continued to close door after door, I had resigned myself to the fact that I needed to just stay put until we had a kid. I moved my office furniture around, dove into projects and was pro-active about taking an extra project on that needed to be done. I was actually enjoying my job for the first time in quite a while because I had DECIDED to enjoy it.

I definitely did not expect what happened last Wednesday to happen. No one did. My bosses were quite upset about it and apologized profusely to me. I was stunned. I felt strangely sad, though I had been praying that God would release me for a long time now, and the only reason that makes sense is this: I didn’t get to leave on MY terms. I didn’t get to give my notice, and it wasn’t for my reasons. This isn’t my choice. My choice was to stay here until the time comes to be a stay-at-home mother, not to be let go because the company is making cuts.

Over the past week I have grappled with this new reality and still have no answers. However, I fully believe that God is completely sovereign and that He loves me deeply. I believe that His ways are far more wise than my own. So I will trust Him and choose to be content.

We are not worried at all–we have no doubt that He will provide for us – He has done it continuously and will do so again and again. I am truly content and am excited to see what comes my way! I’m excited to be able to be at home more to take care of things like planting our vegetable garden, finishing projects that we need to finish, and doing other tasks that need to be done around the house on a regular basis so that Brennan doesn’t have to do as much in the evenings (i.e. yard work now that spring is here). I’m looking forward to whatever temp agency assignments come my way and excited to meet the people who God has planned for me to meet.

Friday begins a new chapter in our lives with no title. No introduction. Nothing written down yet. We’ll just take one day at a time and see where God leads. 🙂

New Perspective…Part One.

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So, something occurred to me in the past twenty-four hours that just might be an answer to a long-standing prayer of mine. Maybe. It’s at least getting me closer to understanding the “why” of my jobs, past and present. I have split this into two blog posts because it’s far too much for one post.

First, some background:

In 2001, I was ready to take on the world. I wanted to be the governor of California someday, with every intention of being my friend’s vice-president in 2028 (we even had a website!). High-profile aspiration is an understatement.

That’s how I saw myself: working in politics to change our country for the better, and everyone would know my name and how awesome I was. I wanted to feel important, to feel admired, to feel respected because of my capabilities, talents, and brilliance. In one word: pride.

Over the next few years I interned with Newt Gingrich in Washington, D.C. (2003), I worked on (and ran) several campaigns, attended the 2005 Presidential Inauguration (and a ball) and was even on ABC for thirty-seconds. I attended campaign training at President Reagan’s ranch in Santa Barbara and was pictured in TIME Magazine with the rest of the training group. I was on my way…or so I thought.

Fast-forward to 2007: Two years past graduation and I was still living in Southern California (not my plan). I kept trying to get back to D.C. but doors just would not open. Instead, I was working for a financial company fixing tax returns all day long–completely low-profile–along with doing youth ministry at my church (nearly full-time for a while). I eventually became content (but not fully happy) in the tax job and even tried to move into management, to no avail. Even though my bosses said I was the perfect candidate for management, I continued to be passed over for promotions, and it didn’t make sense to any of us. But, it was a good job so I remained there.

In December 2007, I felt God urging me to pray for discomfort. My faith had grown stagnant and I was desperate for a change. He brought to my attention all of the accounts in the Bible of people who grew tremendously through trials and discomfort (and never through times of prosperity or easy living)…

…so I did it. I began praying for the next year that God would make me uncomfortable in order for me to become more like Jesus. God definitely delivered. 2008 was one of the toughest years of my life thus far, and I never DREAMED of what God would call me to do/lead me through. From the spiritual struggles to the physical (pneumonia), He used that year to the fullest to mold and shape me. I knew it would be a challenging year (I could probably write a book), but I never dreamed of the growth and transformation that would take place by surrendering to God’s plan and letting go of my own.

The biggest change was my move to Pennsylvania. I had been contemplating this for many years but kept trying to do things my way and nothing ever worked out. I visited PA in October 2007 and during that trip I realized that I didn’t want to live in Southern California anymore, at all. The realization even brought me to tears one day.

I began praying that God would allow me to move to PA, and I prayed for six months before I felt an answer from the Lord. He said that I could stay or go, and that He would use me wherever I was. That was a huge lesson in itself, realizing that sometimes God allows us to make decisions and that sometimes there is no “right” answer.

I moved to Harrisburg, PA on July 31, 2008 knowing only two people in the city, having no job, and having very little money. I chose Harrisburg because of it being the center of Pennsylvania politics. I worked through a temp agency for awhile until obtaining a job with a lobbying firm–which I thought was PERFECT! This was it–my door into the political arena!

Boy, was I wrong. Looking back, I firmly believe that God allowed me to have that position for a year to show me that He did NOT want me in politics. It was a terrible year–the job was a terrible fit and I was so miserable in that role. I saw a side of politics that I had never seen before and I was completely disillusioned. I was let go on 09/09/09 and the joy that I felt was indescribable! Most people aren’t happy after being fired (or, in my case, “forced to quit”), but I felt all the heaviness that had weighed on my heart disappear and I felt so free.

From there, I was unemployed for a year, and that year was an incredible gift to me. I watched as God provided faithfully for me and I was able to pay my rent until April 2010, when I moved in with Brennan’s aunt and uncle until our wedding. I was able to focus on church planting and mission trips, and I was so joy-filled through it all. I got engaged during this time, so this also allowed me to focus on wedding plans/marriage. God’s provision was constant, and though it was a humbling year, I learned to accept help from others and to not be proud.

I worked for a temp agency as much as possible (talk about humbling), and in June 2010 I began working part-time for a consulting firm (huge blessing). In September 2010 I obtained a second part-time job (my current role) and was finally working full-time again. I learned more during that year of unemployment than I thought possible! It was a humbling and faith-filled year.

That brings me to today…I have been in my current role for two and a half years. I have never been recognized or thanked for my work by my supervisor. I do work that a high school student could do. I have never had a raise (and I don’t make much to begin with). I do not use my very expensive, hard-earned bachelor’s degree. I go most days completely unnoticed by my co-workers (and have NEVER been asked to join them for lunch when they go out). My gifts and talents go by the wayside as I watch the clock day by day, waiting for 3:00pm to arrive so that I can do things that actually matter. I feel completely unappreciated and overlooked. I have applied for and even interviewed for MANY jobs during this time period, but God has not opened any other doors. So I have remained here, despite how miserable I tend to be here.

Even my role as a relief houseparent at MHS is largely a “thankless” job (from the students themselves, not from the supervisors or the houseparents…students aren’t going to thank you for disciplining them, haha). Don’t get me wrong–I LOVE it, and it’s highly rewarding to help these students make decisions and learn lessons! My point is that they don’t care about the fact that I’m intelligent, a great musician/vocalist; they don’t really care that I am a good photographer, or that I was once in TIME Magazine. They just want to be fed (they are middle school boys, after all 🙂 ), entertained, and kept safe. Above all, they want to be loved.

So why has God been allowing me to go through these things? I think I’ve determined His reasons…

To be continued…

New Perspective…Part Two.

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(See part one here…)

Yesterday, as I was talking with a dear friend about her potential job opportunities (very prestigious and impressive jobs for which she is perfectly suited), all of the above-mentioned things started to run through my head. As I listened to her speak, I realized that I, too, long to be admired for what I can do–for my God-given gifts and abilities, for what I worked so hard to accomplish in college/post-college. I long to be known as someone who “did something” with her life, whatever that even means. I, too, tend to put my value and self-worth in my career, in how people view me, and what I’ve done, which explains so much about why I have felt so miserable in recent jobs. That hasn’t changed since 2001.

But you know what has changed? In the past year, my desire to be a mother (a stay-at-home one, at that) has increased exponentially (considering that I never saw myself doing that, it wasn’t hard for it to increase drastically). I have come to realize that raising children to love Jesus and to be productive members of society is the greatest possible career that I could ever have. What a stark contrast to how I felt even one year ago.

And last night, it became very clear that God has used the circumstances of the past few years to prepare me for being a mom (No, this is not a pregnancy announcement 🙂 ). From what I hear, being a mother is often a “thankless” job as you continuously and often sacrificially serve your children. Someday, they might recognize the amazing job you did to prepare them for life and to take care of them, but humans are naturally born selfish. They aren’t going to say “thanks, mom, for changing my diaper so that I don’t get diaper rash” or “thanks, mom, for staying up all night with me when I was sick”…that’s just how it goes. They don’t care how accomplished you are and they certainly aren’t going to marvel over your talents. Being a mother is going to require humility, sacrifice, unconditional love, and lots of grace…and I know now that I am much better equipped for motherhood because of the circumstances of the past few years.

Much of the past twelve years makes so much sense now. I was in desperate need of humility, and God brought circumstances into my life to teach me how to be humble. I wish I had been a faster learner! Haha. Not that I’m completely humble–definitely not. But, given where I was in 2001, I have come a long way and my perspective has completely changed. I was so unaware of the grip that pride was holding on my life!

I now view the word “rewarding” completely differently. It no longer means being recognized and praised–it means offering recognition and praise expecting nothing in return, all for the benefit of others.

So, now I have something new to embrace, and something hard with which to grapple. God doesn’t want me to be “famous”–He wants me to make disciples, including my own future children.

I need to remind myself constantly that it doesn’t matter what the world thinks of me, and it doesn’t matter if they notice how “awesome” I might happen to be…

What matters is that I live my life according to the Gospel, and that I share it with others at every opportunity.

What matters is that I find ways to use my God-given gifts and talents to further the Kingdom of God, especially within my own household, without doing it selfishly or for recognition.

What matters are the eternal things, not the temporal.

What matters is that my value and self-worth come from God alone and not from anything that I have done or will do.

Thirty…

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It doesn’t feel possible that I’ve already lived for thirty years on this earth…but at 1:36pm PST today that will be true.

Thirty sounds “old” (and IS old to our MHS boys, haha), but I know that it really isn’t. For some reason, this feels like more of a milestone than 20 was, though…

Of course, there are advantages to turning thirty: I can now be a U.S. Senator. 🙂

It just doesn’t seem possible that it’s been 11.5 years since high school graduation, 7.5 years since college graduation, and 4.5 years since I moved to Pennsylvania.

Life truly is an adventure! I feel like I have experienced so much during these first thirty years, and I really don’t have any regrets. To name a few of my favorite parts…

  • I have a relationship with Jesus!
  • I have the world’s best family, I’m convinced 🙂 I love them dearly and am so blessed.
  • I am married to the most wonderful, loving, generous man.
  • We now own a home together where we will raise our family in the future.
  • Our only remaining debts are student loans and a mortgage. MAJOR accomplishment.
  • I have been blessed with rich, vibrant, authentic friendships.
  • I have had the privilege of traveling to six countries, three continents, and thirty-four states.
  • I am continually growing in my music and photography skills, and I LOVE to use both talents.
  • I have a bachelor’s degree in Political Science and History. I may not use the degree, but I am thankful for it.

The only goals that I really have thus far for this decade are to see the remaining 16 states, be healthier than ever before, and to continue to grow in my marriage and in my relationship with Jesus.

I truly cannot wait to see what the next thirty years hold as I continue living the life with which God has blessed me.