Category: Wisdom

What TO say and do for parents of terminally-ill children…

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My friend Sharon has been living with chronically-ill children for eighteen years now. She, more than anyone I personally know, can completely relate to our situation, and she offered the following advice to me right after Tori was diagnosed. I read it again last night and realized just how right she is.

Since so many ask how they can help parents like us, I wanted to share her wisdom. We are so thankful for the support and help we have received from family, friends, and even strangers!

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Support is important, but the one thing I personally hate is pity – PLEASE do not pity someone – please do not. Feel the hurt that they feel, feel the pain that they feel;  but, my son is still my son — I would never give him back.  I have had him for almost 18 years – others I know (unfortunately too many to name) have lost their kids before they reached 18 – BUT they loved every minute of it .

Now – WHAT can you do – or what helps?

1. Extended family and friends play an important and big role in helping children and their immediate families deal with a serious illness.

2. Listen, really listen, to your friend or family member. It’s important for people to tell their story – it helps with processing traumatic situations. So let them talk. Be a good listener. Even if you have no clue about the medical terms they are throwing around – feel free to ask.

3. Send meals. Remember that while they’re in hospitals, the food they have available is usually not great OR healthy. Try to plan for fresh foods, easy to heat up, easy to clean up or have something delivered, like pizza or Chinese.

4. Offer to babysit other children during appointments or accompany them to the appointment if they need someone to sit with them. 

5. Be available to help out in the middle of the night for ER trips and other emergencies.

6. Everyone wants to help immediately, but in a long-term illness, help will be needed for the long term. People get burned out easily so spread out the help so you can be strong for them. Remember, she will still need you in a month, three months, six months, even next year.

7. Offer (don’t just do it) to do things for them that require clearer thinking: contacting school or work, or other friends and family, etc.

8. Offer to be the person to gather mail (either at their house or set up a post office box if they want to keep their address private) and deliver it to them.

9. Use common sense when visiting. If you’ve been sick or feel like you’re getting sick, stay away. If your kid’s been sick, stay away. Your germs can make a compromised child VERY ill.

10. Help set up a notebook/Binder/flash drive to keep important medical information in or scan them for her and put them in a file or flash drive (I do this). A copy of all the paperwork from discharges, diagnoses, medication changes is so helpful and can be taken to all appointments or travels. If they’re out of town and have to go to an ER or urgent care, they have all the information handy and treatment is easier and safer.

11. Research and summarize disease information available on support group websites or ask questions to which you do not know the answers.

12.Be calm and levelheaded for your friend, as at times they will not be able to think clearly, be it from being stressed or overtired…It is okay to be upset, but it helps them for you to be logical, orderly and levelheaded. It’s calming to them and helps them see things that they may not see with everything going on.

13. Offer to pick up medication at the pharmacy while you’re out. If you’re heading to the grocery store, call before and see if they need anything.

14. Gather folks to help clean and disinfect their home before they come home from the hospital, especially if there’s been surgery.

15. Offer to do an overnight stay and let them get some uninterrupted nighttime sleep. Sleeping in the day is fine, but there’s nothing quite like a good 6 hour stretch in the night to make a parent refreshed.

16. Make a gift bag of Lysol, Clorox, wipes, masks for the kid when in public, soaps, and hand sanitizer. When dealing with sick kids, you HAVE to be ultra clean all the time. A cold to you could mean death to a child with compromised immunity.

17. Offer to help with the household chores or pet care. Offer to pay for a cleaning service or dog sitter/walker.

18. Be willing to just sit in the waiting room with your friend. Just having another person present can be a huge stress reliever.

19. If you’re not local and want to help, gift cards are a great idea. Visa or AMEX gift cards can be used almost anywhere and are a good choice if you’re unsure of what stores are local. Starbucks/gas cards/Target/Walmart are also good bets. Mobile gift cards for apps on an iPad or iPod are good, too. If the kid is older, a basket of puzzles, word games, etc.

20. Cards. notes, are wonderful.  The person does not need to respond but they know you are thinking of them. A good gift is a pretty box or basket to keep the cards in. 

21. AND FINALLY, be there for the long term – not just now but several months and years – she will still need support then.

Now here are some thing that should not be done – my pet peeves. I know so many mean well – but try to avoid doing these things.

1. Remember that your friendship and support really matters – it may be a lifeline for your loved one. So, if you say you’re going to help, commit to it. Having someone back out when your child is sick can be more devastating than you can imagine (trust me, I know this all too well first hand – I lost way too many friends and learned who my “real” friends truly were).

2. Don’t visit without checking first, even if it’s something you’ve planned with them in advance. One rough night can lead to a day of exhaustion for everyone, and they might not be up to visitors.

3. Don’t visit if you’ve recently been sick, feel like you may be getting sick, or your child has been sick. Your germs can make someone with a weakened immune system very ill.

4. Don’t prolong the visit. Watch for cues from the parent or the child that it’s time to wrap things up.

5. Don’t say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” It implies that God had a role in the child becoming ill and may make your friend feel as though he or she is being punished. To be honest, this is a big one for me and I still have a hard time dealing with it. It does make one feel like you are being punished.

6. Do not send latex balloons to the hospital. Many people are allergic to the latex in balloons and almost all children’s hospitals are latex free – I know 2 of my boys are allergic to it.

7. Avoid sending flowers. Sure, they’re pretty, but the child won’t care. Worse, if the child’s immune system has been compromised, anything that could cause an allergic reaction or carries bacteria could be life-threatening.

8. Don’t take it personally if your friend doesn’t want to talk. The stress of being a caregiver is overwhelming. Sometimes the best thing to do is just sit there with your friend and let her vent, cry or just sit in silence. Often your presence is enough.

9. Don’t be afraid to reach out with thoughtful phone calls or e-mails, but remember the family is likely overwhelmed and may not be able to respond. But know the thought is appreciated.

10. Don’t give medical advice. You’re not a doctor and you’re certainly not familiar enough with the child’s illness to be making medical calls. Unless you have a chronically ill child you do not know how the parent is feeling. Unless you have been in the parents shoes do not say I know how you feel, as trust me, you do not.

11. Don’t tell them to “chin up” or “cheer up.” They are entitled to their feelings, which may or may not be comfortable for you.

12. Don’t tell horror stories and don’t compare your friend’s child to another who was seriously ill, too. It won’t make anyone feel better. Do not try to compare your child having tubes in his ears or the flu to an incurable disease. Sorry, but things like this will make me (or others) want to strangle you.

13. Unless your child has the exact same diagnosis or has had the same surgery or the like, DO NOT offer unsolicited medical advice.  

14. Do not offer unproven medical advice or opinions.  Do not say “if you do this it will cure your child! I know a parent whose kid was cured of cancer using this herb…” It is not helpful. The best advice you can give is offer to pray or help.

15. The phrases below are not cool. Don’t use ’em. Don’t say:

• “I know JUST how you feel.” (no, you don’t – unless you are in the same boat and, even then, EVERY child is different.)

• “I feel helpless.” (Imagine how your friend feels – exactly – rather be there)

• “You need to talk about it.” (NO I don’t – if we want to talk we will)

• “Here! This is what you should do. I heard about it on Oprah, Dr. Oz, the Doctors.” (who cares what they have to say? They are not my child’s doctor.)

• “I don’t know how you’re managing it all. I’d die if it were me.” (thoughtless! Again, it does not help. No, you would not die and yes, you would be able to deal – it is your child you would love them.  Just because my child has an incurable disease does not mean I love them any less – to be honest, I treasure every minute I am given with them.)

• “Everything is going to be fine.” (you do not know that – and usually not true.)

• “What’s the life expectancy with that?” (morbid! – yes, I may strangle you if you say this.)

Now what should you say instead:

• “Do you need to talk/feel like talking? I’m here to listen.” (doesn’t pressure them to talk right then, but the offer is there – often I would open up after a while. The parent needs to learn who is paying lip service and who really does care what happens to their child.

• How are you/child feeling today?” (since every day is different – and yes, things can change on a daily or hourly basis. As long as you are being sincere this is perfect and simple to do.

• Ask about the disease or diagnosis and maybe look it up so you know more – BUT, do not offer suggestions for treatment. Ask questions, remember the major issues and look them up.

• Talk about care and hope. Talk about how sweet and precious their child is and how much your love them. You should validate the seriousness of the illness by confirming that they are facing something very difficult.

• ” I am heartbroken you and your baby are going through this. Hang in there and know there are so many people who care about you.” Acknowledge that you know your friend is in pain without saying you understand what she is going through.

• Ask the parents how they are doing. After you ask “How are you?” and they respond “I’m fine.” – wait for the truth after they say that. I can tell if you really want to know how I am doing – like I am about to have a break down, or I want to cry or I want to go back in time, etc.

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Thank you, Sharon, for allowing me to share this here! I know it will help so many people!

Easily Offended…

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of·fend·ed (əˈfendid) adjective: resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult.

Of all the things that bother me about the way our culture in America has changed during my lifetime, the tendency to be so easily offended is probably at the top of my list. It’s something I don’t understand, and, unfortunately, I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

You don’t dare say something that might “offend” anyone, even if it is the truth. This goes hand-in-hand with our culture’s lawsuit mentality – another thing that drives me crazy. People live their lives in fear that they might accidentally say or do something that someone will sue them over, and it has become absolutely ridiculous.

I worked in the political arena – as a volunteer and as an employee – for several years, and I saw this all the time.

In the political world, people allow party lines to be roadblocks to open communication. In the legislature, simply knowing that a bill was written by someone of the opposite party can mean that it won’t pass, despite its merit and worth to society. People choose to be offended simply because someone sees something differently than they do. This is especially amusing because our culture says that everything is relative…

One of my favorite quotes about this topic is from the movie The American President – which is one of my favorite movies of all time.

‘America isn’t easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, ’cause it’s gonna put up a fight. It’s gonna say “You want free speech? Let’s see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who’s standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours.”‘
– The American President

Our Founding Fathers didn’t agree on everything, but they didn’t let these differences prevent them from coming up with solutions. They had reasonable discourse, even if heated at times, and they were respectful of different ideas (as evidenced in many documents from that time).

They realized that we all come from different backgrounds and have different ideas, and all of them are worthy of consideration. If we all thought the same way and believed the same things, life would be incredibly boring and we would have nothing to discuss. Yet, our culture has lost the ability to respectfully dialogue and discuss issues with the intent of truly learning from the other side.

Our country was founded on the concepts of several freedoms, one being the Freedom of Speech – and that freedom only works if you are willing to respectfully listen to those who disagree with you (as the quote above says). History aside, this is a significant problem in our culture today.

In terms of the Freedom of Religion, the best example I can come up with at the moment is Christmas: Christmas is a holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. It is a religious holiday – more specifically, a Christian holiday. But, don’t you dare mention Jesus or have a Nativity scene set up to celebrate, because you might offend someone.

Yes, I realize our culture has largely changed Christmas into a secular holiday as well and has made it all about gifts and Santa and whatever else, but it is supposed to be about JESUS. It’s not called “Christmas Vacation” anymore in schools because you might offend someone who doesn’t celebrate the holiday (which, really, is a very small amount of people since it has become so secularized). People say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” for the same reason (even though holiday comes from “holy day” so it’s essentially the same thing).

When did we become so sensitive, and why?

This is something I simply cannot understand, because I have never been offended by a Jewish menorah or Star of David. I have never been offended by Kwanzaa or Ramadan. I have never tried to secularize these holidays so that I can benefit from the celebrations. Why? I recognize the right of these groups to celebrate what they believe in openly and publicly. As long as what they are doing is not destructive or harmful, then why does it matter what they celebrate? It doesn’t. So why are Christians and Christian holidays singled out as being so offensive?

From a theological standpoint, I understand why people are offended by Jesus. The Gospel offends because it acknowledges sin in our lives and we don’t like to be told that we are wrong. There is also a very real enemy who roams around the earth trying to turn people against Jesus. I get all of that. But it seems like the only religion that brings offense in our culture is Christianity. 

I maintain that it is a choice to be offended. It is a choice to refuse to listen to the other side of the issue and discuss things rationally. And the root of this is selfishness – “it’s all about me, so don’t you dare do anything that I don’t like.”

We have forgotten how to love our neighbors. We have forgotten that each person has value and deserves to be respected. We have forgotten that there’s a huge difference between tolerance (“the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with“) and acceptance, and we let our emotions and selfishness rule our behavior.

This is a dangerous path and if we don’t take the time to instill within the younger generations what true tolerance is, and encourage them to not be easily offended, things are only going to be worse in the future.

Day Twenty-Five: I’m Thankful For…Dave Ramsey.

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Preface: Last year I decided to express my thanks during the month of November for something new each day, as so many others have done before me. I never finished this series, so that’s my goal this year. I am re-posting the ones I wrote last year and adding new ones. This one is new. :)

In January 2009, my church offered a class called “Financial Peace University” by Dave Ramsey. I had never heard of Dave, but I was in desperate need of financial peace. I had a lot of debt (both credit cards and student loans), I didn’t budget, and I was always uneasy when it came to money matters.

I can truly say that this class changed my life. 

Throughout the thirteen weeks of this class, we learned about the importance of having an emergency fund of at least $1,000, how to budget, how to prioritize our debts to pay them off in what Dave calls a “Debt Snowball” (smallest to largest debts), what types of insurance we should have, how to save for retirement wisely, and many other practical tips.

We learned that it’s important to “Live like no one else (meaning to make sacrifices now) so that later you can live like no one else (debt free and able to do whatever you want!).” This simple phrase makes it easier to sacrifice things that we may want right now for the long-term goal of being debt-free.

My favorite lesson was the last one, the one that focused on giving. Dave emphasized that the greatest thing about being debt-free is the ability to “give like no one else” because you don’t owe anyone anything. 

Since going through FPU, our financial outlook has changed completely:

  • We LOVE budgeting and the peace that it brings. Seriously. We tell our money where to go – we don’t wonder where it went.
  • We have NO credit card debt (paid off our last one in August 2012) AND no credit cards!
  • We were able to buy a house last year.
  • We are hoping to be completely debt-free in a couple of years (if we sell our house, we can pay off our student loans with the profit).
  • We give so much more than we did before, and it is such a blessing to be able to do so.

If you haven’t taken the opportunity to take one of Dave’s classes or read his books, please do so TODAY. He’s having a huge sale from now until Christmas (I believe) and most of his books are drastically discounted. It will be the best investment in your financial future that you have ever made!

The Start Experiment, Round Two: Day Nine

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Today, one of my wonderful fellow “Starters” posted something that almost made me cry because it spoke directly to my heart.

Know what isn’t the only reason you’re not working for your dreams? It isn’t always your fear that is preventing you from being successful. Sometimes it is your unwillingness to sacrifice. You’ve got to decide today that the pain of staying the same and not chasing your dream is costing you more than it would to chase it.  — Ashley Revely

Oh my. Between that and the email that Jon Acuff sent to those of us in Round Two today, I feel broken. In a good way. I forgot my journal at home, so I decided to just blog about it since I’m sure that others feel the same way and might need this encouragement.

Jon’s email today talked about not just settling for “jobs” when they’re not something that makes us feel alive and when they’re not part of our calling. I have done that my whole adult life. Every single job.

Funny “coincidence” that after I read that email I headed to an interview for a job that I could do and could do it well. But, it has nothing to do with the passions in my soul and my new-found mission in life. Same with the job I interviewed for last week. In fact, I honestly feel that accepting either of these jobs would be detrimental to my dream. Interesting what a new perspective can show you.

Ashley’s quote doesn’t only apply to my dream, though: it also applies to weight-loss and health. Before our wedding, perhaps because I had a goal, I lost 20 lbs and worked hard at it. I felt GREAT and loved what I saw in the mirror. I felt thin. After the wedding, I gained it all back PLUS some because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice things along the way. I’m realizing now that the cost of staying the same is far more painful than chasing my dream and working hard.

Today I’m going to break both my dream job and my dream of weighing 45 pounds less into simple steps and look at WHY I’m failing at weight loss. I know that most of it is due to lack of preparation and planning, but some is still due to laziness. What will it cost to pursue my dream and what sacrifices are necessary? I am thinking that any sort of permanent job is at the top of the list. I’m also thinking that getting up at 5am to ensure that I have plenty of focus-time will continue to be a must.

What is it costing me to stay the same? Joy, peace, self-image, contentment, passion.

What might it cost me to change? Time, effort, maybe financial sacrifice, trusting God a whole lot more.

The pain of staying the same is DEFINITELY costing me a lot. It’s time to sacrifice things that are standing in the way so that I can fully pursue what I am called to be.

Guest Post: “Fighting to Forgive and Forget the Former Things”

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Fighting to Forgive and Forget the Former Things
 By Sheri Rose Shepherd
Bestselling Author and Bible Life Coach
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How do we forget the former things? Is there some magic prayer that wipes out our memories so we won’t feel the pain of our past? I wish I could say that this is the way to find a new foundation for your life. Yet God teaches us through Isaiah 43 that our past does not determine our future. He wants us to embrace the new beginning He offers us and to stop living in yesterday. However, to let go of our past, we will have to leave it where it belongs . . . at the Cross.

I was powerfully reminded of this again through Alice, whom I met recently at a retreat. I had been talking about rebuilding relationships, and when I finished, I walked over to the door to say good-bye to each of the ladies. I loved hearing how God spoke to them throughout the weekend, and Alice gave me renewed hope. She was seventy years old and had been married over fifty years.

I was captivated by the joy that lit up her face. She radiated from the inside out, and her smile made me feel at home. I thought Alice must have lived a wonderful life to glow with God’s glory the way she did. I had to ask her what her secret was. Her response reflected a woman who was beautifully broken.

She said, “When I lost the husband I loved to my best friend, I lost everything that was dear to me, including my children. However, I discovered how much my Lord truly loves me because of that loss, and I have never been the same because of His love.”

My eyes welled with tears as she shared with me the story of how her husband had served her divorce papers on their fortieth wedding anniversary. Devastated and overwhelmed by grief, she set the papers aside without signing them. She fought to understand why God did not protect her marriage after all she had sacrificed to remain faithful, even in the hard and unhappy years.

Despite their challenges, she said she loved this man and never dreamed she would be alone in her older years. Though they lived apart for seven years, something inside her soul continued to keep her from signing those divorce papers. Late one night, though, she finally decided to move on and let go of the man she loved. With sad resolve, she signed the papers. Once she had done so, she felt free for the first time in many years.

Until the doorbell rang. It was 2 a.m., and she was a little fearful of who might be at her door in the middle of the night. When she opened the door, she was shocked to see her husband, Bill, on his knees with tears in his eyes and torn-up divorce papers in his hand.

He looked into her eyes and asked her for something he did not deserve: “a chance to finish my life with you.” Bill told her he had just awakened from a dream he believed God had given him, showing how his actions were crumbling the foundation of the faith of his children and grandchildren―all for the sake of his own pleasure. When he woke up, he could not wait until morning. He had to run to his wife.

He knew he owed her a sincere apology, but he wanted so much more. He wanted a second chance, and he was willing to do whatever it took to rebuild what he had broken in her heart. She stood there silently until she heard the Lord whisper to her, “Today, Alice, is the day I am giving you a choice between life and death for your family. I am asking you to trust Me with this broken man and choose life, so that your legacy of faith can live on in your children through your obedience to Me.”

She asked for a few days to pray; Bill told her to take whatever time she needed to decide.

Alice said she fought through the biggest internal battle she had ever experienced as she reflected on the past seven years away from this man. After all, she had finally healed from his betrayal and feared she might reopen the wound that had taken so long to heal. She wrestled through every emotion—from feeling ripped off, being rejected, and now receiving an offer to be rescued.

Alice knew her choice would write the rest of her life story and her husband’s story. After many tears and much prayer for the strength to forgive her husband, Alice surrendered to God’s will and gave up her rights to take revenge. God blessed the hard choice Alice had made to forget the former things and finish her life with her husband in spite of all he had done. And they finished strong!

Yes, Bill was wrong, and yes, he was unfaithful and caused much damage to many lives, including his own. There is no excuse for his actions, and Alice had every right to make him suffer for what he had done. However, her extremely hard decision to forget the former things will leave a legacy of love that will live on long after they are gone.

For more teaching videos from Sheri Rose, go to www.biblelifecoaching.com.

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Guest Post: Receiving God’s Love

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Receiving God’s Love
 
By Sheri Rose Shepherd
Bestselling Author and Bible Life Coach
 
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Think how powerful it would be if we spoke the truth about how God feels about us at least as often as we silently said negative things about ourselves or replayed in our minds all the hurtful things that have been said about us. The truth is, we are not what others say about us, and if the men we love speak hurtful words to us that make us feel unworthy, we don’t need to repeat them any longer. Instead we can learn to rest in God’s unchanging love for us.

Even if no one has ever said anything kind to you, your Prince Jesus longs for you to breathe in the tender love, compassion, and kindness He feels for you. If you’re ready to have Jesus, the lover of your soul, become reality to you, I invite you to do the following . . .

Breathe In His Love . . .

For the Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life. (Job 33:4)

You know that feeling of exhilaration that sticks with you after you’ve spent time with a guy you know you’re falling in love with? As you part, you take a deep breath and feel waves of delight washing over you. Or you know the joy that wells up inside when your man unexpectedly says something so sweet that you feel treasured? You replay those words over and over in your mind because doing so gives you a lift.

Breathe His truth in; allow the words of your true prince Jesus to echo in your heart and soul.

After you consider God’s words to you—”I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3)—whisper toward heaven, “I love You, Lord.”

Sing about His Love . . .

Each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. (Psalm 42:8)

When I was learning to let myself receive God’s love, I would actually sing love songs to Him. Though they had been written for a woman to sing to a man here on earth, I began to understand that if I would crave God’s love first, He would meet my needs. Only then would I be able to give and receive love.

Today I love worship songs that sing of God’s love for us. I blare them throughout my house in the mornings so Satan will not be able to whisper lies to me any longer. Consider doing the same.

Write Love Letters to Him in a Journal . . .

Connect your heart to heaven by writing love letters to your Lord. It is amazing what happens to your heart as you begin to express your love in writing to the only One who will never walk away from or reject you. Hang on to this treasure of truth: how you feel about yourself will never change God’s love for you.

Let Us Pray . . .

Dear God,
I confess I do not feel worthy of your love. It is hard for me to believe that You even love me. Help me, Lord, to look to You for my worth. Forgive me for not allowing myself to receive Your love. Forgive me for looking to others to make me feel like I have value when You are the only one who can validate me and love me the way I long to be loved. From this day forward, I choose to let You love me so I can love others. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

I will sing to the LORD as long as I live.
I will praise my God to my last breath!
May all my thoughts be pleasing to him,
for I rejoice in the LORD. (Psalm 104:33-34)

For more teaching from the Your Heart’s Desire book and Bible study, visit www.biblelifecoaching.com.

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Guest Post: “We Are on the Same Team and Fighting the Same Enemy”

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We Are on the Same Team and Fighting the Same Enemy
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)
 
By Sheri Rose Shepherd
Bestselling Author and Bible Life Coach
 
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Think about what makes your heart melt when you watch a great love story. It’s not the hero’s physical strength or his beloved’s beauty, is it? No, you and I are drawn to the power of true love and its inexplicable ability to prevail over tragedy and adversity. The greater the conflict, the stronger the love must be in order to resolve the issue. When the hero does whatever it takes to save the relationship, our hearts soar with renewed hope. Likewise, as we seek to truly listen and understand our men when differences between us create friction, we set ourselves up for more satisfying and loving relationships.

The Author of love and life and the Designer of our differences knew there would be conflict between men and women. The real problem comes, though, when we get accustomed to seeing relational problems solved in the time it takes to eat a bag of popcorn. Our hero and his beauty have less than two hours to defeat the dragons and overcome unspeakable challenges. You and I are not going to magically resolve deep relationship conflicts in our own wisdom and definitely not in less than two hours.

When I met my husband, Steve, I was sure we were a match made in heaven. In fact, we have had the privilege of being in ministry together for most of our marriage. I wish I could tell you it’s been an effortless, wonderful life for the two of us, but I would be lying to you.

I learned to fight loud and strong by watching my parents. My brother and I would hide together in my bedroom as our parents tore into each other during arguments, often screaming and throwing things. Because of my broken family, when I first got married I was sure that every conflict between me and Steve would end our marriage.

Steve was raised by parents who had stayed married, so it was impossible for him to relate to my fears and worries. He was raised in quieter surroundings. His parents dealt with conflict quite differently from mine. There was no rage. No yelling. No broken furniture. His parents rarely fought—and never in front of their children. But his family also had no system to resolve conflict. That meant issues went unresolved—though not unnoticed.

Steve’s and my fighting techniques were drastically different. However, neither of us had been equipped to deal appropriately with marital conflict. That led to major challenges early in our marriage whenever we attempted to resolve a disagreement. To make things even more difficult, when I married Steve I was a new Christian and had not yet learned how to channel my anger properly.

I tried everything to get him to react or resolve conflict with me, and as I waited, I became more bitter and he became more distant. One day I couldn’t take Steve’s calm, cool responses anymore. From my perspective, he obviously needed some lessons on how to fight for our marriage. I’d had enough of his “let’s work it out peacefully by ignoring our problems” act. In my mind, he was being polite only to annoy me.

“Why don’t you ever show some emotion and prove to me you care about our marriage?” I yelled.

Steve stood there quietly, shaking his head and looking down at the ground. Then suddenly, he turned toward the mirror on our bedroom closet door and kicked it as hard as he could, smashing it to bits.

Wow, I thought, what a performance. He sure learns fast.

Suddenly I began to laugh hysterically through my tears. I was so shocked I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or ready to run from what I saw. His toenail was jutting out at a bizarre angle as he asked me, “Is that enough emotion for you? If it would help, I could probably throw myself on the floor and work up a good cry.” We both began to laugh together as we attempted to pick up the glass fragments scattered all over our bedroom floor. In that moment I realized how much we had shattered each other just because we were different and had not been trained on how to resolve conflict. Our marriage was not the problem; it was our hearts. Neither of us had a teachable spirit.

It took several years, a lot of tears, and one expensive closet door mirror to repair the damage inflicted during those early years. We still have conflict, as all couples do, but we now understand that we are on the same team and that it’s okay not to agree on everything.

After twenty-five years of marriage, we’ve decided it’s worth letting go of the little things and fighting to understand one another. Conflict comes no matter who we marry. We may be fighting about different things with different men, but there will always be major differences between men and women. I once heard a pastor say that if spouses agreed on everything, only one of them would be needed. Let’s not allow our differences to divide us any longer!

For a sneak peek of Sheri Rose’s Your Heart’s Desire Group Experience, or to learn more about her ministry, visit www.biblelifecoaching.com.

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Guest Post: “Desiring a “Happily Ever After”: Fighting the Temptation to Give Up on Love and Marriage”

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I am so blessed to have the privilege of sharing the next few articles from author Sheri Rose Shepherd on my blog! She offers wisdom and encouragement that is biblically based and I will be posting articles from her over the next three weeks. If these apply to someone you know, please share the posts with him/her!

 
 

 
Featured authors

       
Desiring a “Happily Ever After”
Fighting the Temptation to Give Up on Love and Marriage
 
By Sheri Rose Shepherd
Bestselling Author and Bible Life Coach
 Sheri Rose Shepherd
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I don’t know where you stand today with the man you love or loved—or if you are single, divorced, separated, or widowed. I can tell you, though, that if you’ve been hurt, you can be sure Your heavenly Father knows how hard it is to love and forgive the one who caused you pain. Yet regardless of the relational devastation you face, no one can keep you from finishing strong for God’s glory!I was raised in a non-Christian home. My parents have each been married and divorced to three different people. As part of several blended families, all I understood about marriage when I was growing up was “unhappily ever after.” But then I became a Christian at twenty-four and married my husband, Steve, just a few years later. Because of my love for God and my husband, I honestly didn’t think anything could shake my own marriage or faith.

In the summer of 2007, however, my happily ever after was wiped out and my faith was tested. The family foundation I had worked so hard to build and protect was almost destroyed, along with my ministry, in that season of my life. I truly believed that God had forsaken me.

I had just finished writing my book for mothers about raising sons to become godly husbands. As I excitedly ran upstairs to e-mail the manuscript to the publisher, I suddenly felt as if something dark hovered over me. My passion for the book’s message was drowned out by the fear of an attack from the enemy that could come against me and my family if I stepped on his territory . . . young men and their future marriages.

I called the publisher and said I’d need to wait and pray for courage before submitting the manuscript. I went to my son, Jake, who was eighteen years old and a senior in high school at the time, and asked him if he had any plans of rebelling against his faith once he graduated from high school. I told him I was willing to give him freedom to find his own faith in Christ, but I didn’t want to put out a book about raising boys if my own son was going to walk away from the Lord. He reassured me that he was strong in his faith and that he felt I should publish the book. I decided to take the chance to make a difference and sent in the manuscript.

The book began climbing the charts, and everything seemed to be going well. I even began speaking with my son at conferences for mothers of boys. Then three months into my book tour, my fear of attack hit. My husband had taken a job that we had both prayed for. This job appeared to be a blessing; however, his new position required him to violate some of the boundaries we had put in place to protect our marriage, and we ended up separated.

There I was in the public eye of ministry, fighting to save future marriages, and somehow my own marriage was falling apart. My son was devastated by the division between me and his dad. It was too hard for him to deal with all his confusion, pain, and anger, so he took a break from his faith and began using drugs and alcohol to comfort himself. I had always known to run to God for cover when there was a great attack, but now I felt like He had left me alone on the battlefield to fight for myself. It appeared that all I had believed about God and all my effort to build a strong foundation for my own family had been shattered. My pain, my shame, and my life were an embarrassment. I felt as if I were battling an out-of-control fire that would burn up everything I loved and lived for. Every night I would cry myself to sleep as I struggled to understand why God had not protected me while I was attempting to accomplish something for His glory.

One night I could not take it anymore, so I fell to my knees and told God I either wanted Him to fix my family or I wanted to quit the ministry. Then I felt the Lord asking me a bigger question: Was My life, given on a cross for you, not enough for you to finish strong even if it means surrendering the life you wanted? For the first time I realized that my heart’s true desire was to feel loved and secure, and yet no man on earth could love me the way my Lord does. In that moment of crisis I found the true meaning of following Christ. God had not forsaken me, but He did want to free me from depending on others to give me my happily ever after.

That night I gave my heart’s deepest desire to God and chose to follow Him at any cost. In exchange, He gave me something so much better; He gave me peace that was more powerful than my circumstances. My faith was no longer in people; it was in Christ alone. Although nothing outwardly had changed yet, I had been changed. Today, Steve and I have celebrated twenty-five years of marriage, and our son serves God with His whole heart. He and his bride have given us our first grandbaby girl. However, to be honest, restoring our marriage was excruciatingly painful and more difficult than either of us expected. As hard as this trial was, it taught me a valuable lesson: our Lord is the God of comfort and the author of a new beginning. He can and will rebuild a beautiful life out of any broken heart willing to make a change. He will use one sacrificial choice; one act of forgiveness; one sincere, repentant heart; and one woman who is willing to step out in faith and start rebuilding with His love for His glory.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)

For more teaching from the Your Heart’s Desire book and Bible study, visit www.biblelifecoaching.com.

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Living with Intentionality…

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2011 is our year of living with intentionality…

I have set many personal goals for the year (NOT “resolutions”), and many of them tie in with Proverbs 31. Yes, like many, I am also going to focus on being more in shape this year, but that’s because I’m walking 60 miles in three days in October, and must train in order to survive! More importantly, I am striving to be the best wife to Brennan that I can be…to love him like he deserves to be loved. 🙂 Because I’m an organized person, I needed to map out what that would look like in terms of goals. So, I made a list, and I am working hard to become more Christ-like in everything I do, especially when it comes to my husband.

As a couple, we also set a few goals…

We are being very intentional about spending time with certain friends and family members, recognizing that in the past year we often let months go by without seeing them. This also includes an intentionality of time together as a couple, because we recognize the need to continually invest in our marriage.

We are being very intentional about living frugally, in an effort to be debt-free. As of now, we will be debt-free as of September 2012 at the latest, and we are running toward that goal with “gazelle intensity”, as Dave Ramsey says. 🙂 This is playing out in our lives in different ways: budgeting every dollar (like Dave Ramsey says to do), seeking extra income, planning out meals and using programs such as the Angel Food Ministry to save on groceries (and COUPONS!), and making little sacrifices along the way (“Live like no one else so that later you can live like no one else!” –Dave Ramsey) because we recognize that being debt-free is a far better achievement than the things we might choose to spend money on now.  Once we are debt-free, we will hopefully buy a home and start a family. That’s our plan, but God may have other plans, and that’s okay, too!

We are being intentional about serving others and serving our community. I am still the “Community Project Coordinator” for our church(es), but that’s the only church responsibility I hold now (after stepping down from worship team for a MUCH needed break after doing it every Sunday for two years–plus practice every Saturday morning). This will allow me to spend more time seeking projects to benefit our neighbors and to demonstrate the Kingdom of God in Harrisburg, PA. We are still involved in a church plant (The Well at East Shore), and are praying about becoming involved in another one later this year. Wherever God leads…

We have really simplified our lives, cutting out things (even “good things”, like church activities) that were making us “busy”, and that were keeping us from clear ministry opportunities that God was putting in our lives. There are people in our lives that desperately need the love of Jesus, and we were too busy to notice until now. So, now we are being intentional (there’s that word again! 🙂 ) about investing in those people…

2011 is going to be a great year…and we are open to whatever God brings our way!

*Side note on the Angel Food Ministry program: they offer amazing deals on food that is perfectly good–not expired or bad quality, as some assume–and it’s open to anyone of any income! We ordered two boxes of food/fruits/vegetables for a total of $68, and one lady figured out that the $41 box is worth $120! I figured out that the fruit/veggie box ($23) is worth close to $50! Best part is that once I sat down and created a menu for the month of February using the food in the boxes, I was able to get 15 meals out of all that food (for two people), with only having to buy a few items at the store to supplement the meals. We are SO excited to be living frugally, supporting  a ministry, AND still eating good, healthy meals in the process!