At 9:25am on Wednesday, July 30, 2014, Victoria Ruth Brackbill entered this world by c-section after 20 hours of labor. We became parents – her parents. She had a full … Continue reading Tori is ONE!
Tag: Faith
Dreams of Healing, Part Three
We have been continually amazed at the dreams that people are having about Tori and we pray that they are prophetic. It has been awhile since we posted the dreams … Continue reading Dreams of Healing, Part Three
Psalm 143
This was the Psalm for the day in my One Year Bible…I love it and I am using some of these verses as my prayer today. ❤️
Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
Don’t put your servant on trial, for no one is innocent before you. My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave…
I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
Come quickly, LORD, and answer me…Don’t turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Rescue me from my enemies, LORD; I run to you to hide me.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.
For the glory of your name, O LORD, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress. In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.
Psalm 143:1-12 (NLT)
Security in the Mystery
I have found that God will often use a lesson or a specific scripture passage that you read long ago but had forgotten; at just the right moment He will … Continue reading Security in the Mystery
A Mustard Seed of Faith
I want to see my prayers do something big. In person. So often we pray for others passionately and see God move from afar. But I want to see … Continue reading A Mustard Seed of Faith
True Selflessness
Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
– Mother Teresa
I always knew that motherhood would be a selfless endeavor. From the very beginning, your body, your time, your thoughts, everything revolves around, and belongs to, your children. Before I became a mother I had an idea about what it looked like to be selfless and I knew I could handle it with the Lord’s help. After all, a mother’s love is one of the strongest forces on earth, and I was ready for the challenges.
I had no idea just how “selfless” my life would become when Tori became sick.
By the way, I don’t write this (or any other post) to invite pity or sympathy, or even accolades. Rather, I continually strive to be transparent during this journey in hopes that someone will be encouraged or challenged by how the Lord is speaking to our hearts and working in our lives.
Here’s my reality and a glimpse into my daily life with a terminally-ill child.
I haven’t had more than 5 full nights of sleep (defined as 5 straight hours) since Tori was born. To say that I am exhausted is an understatement.
When she was healthy, the sleep deprivation was bearable because she was such a joy, such a delight. I didn’t mind nursing her every two or three hours because she was always so happy, so content. Watching her learn and grow filled my heart with enough energy to endure the sleepless nights (and days). Her smile and laughter would fill my heart with a palpable joy and my heart would overflow with love. That was my reward and it filled me up like nothing (except the Lord) ever has.
When she was healthy, I was still able to do things for myself (like shower and eat a good lunch) because she was content to play with her toys on her own and would nap without being held for 20-30 minutes at a time. I could still take care of our home and do things for myself like shop, read, eat meals, etc.
My view of what selflessness means changed drastically in January 2015.
“For even the Son of Man (Jesus) came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” – Mark 10:45
My days are a blur, much like the lives of those with healthy babies, but there is no tangible “reward” for my selfless service anymore.
My days now revolve around medication and feeding schedules, appointments with specialists and Early Intervention (which is a WONDERFUL program and I am so thankful that our tax dollars go to pay for this), and keeping Tori comfortable, which usually means rocking her in our recliner most of the day.
If I am lucky (or if someone comes over to hold Tori), I can take a five minute shower while Tori stares at her light-up giraffe on her changing table (it has rails and she doesn’t roll, so she is completely safe).
Eating doesn’t always happen – at least not healthy eating.
I rarely leave the house because Tori doesn’t like being in the car and we aren’t sure if she is in pain while in the car seat. Thankfully, I just discovered that our local grocery store will deliver groceries for a nominal fee (and the first 60 days are free). What an amazing blessing this service will be.
Doing simple things for myself usually doesn’t happen at all these days. As much as I want to work on her Project Life album, read my Bible (not on my phone), or even CLEAN MY HOUSE (yes, I actually long to do normal things like that now), they just don’t happen until Brennan is home for the evening, if at all. And even then, I struggle between wanting to clean my house/do things for myself, and wanting to spend time as a family doing other things.
I don’t think about how little I am doing for myself very often, and when I do, it is then that I am overwhelmed by the energy my life currently requires. I went from such an easygoing, low maintenance life (even with a baby) to a life that is so high maintenance that it is overwhelming at times.
I don’t like this, I don’t want this, and I keep praying it’s all a nightmare.
Yet, I don’t think about how hard it is as I am living it – I just do it.
Though my priorities have shifted drastically in the past three months, I know that I have to find a balance because I need to take care of myself while also caring for Tori. Now that her G-Tube surgery is complete and her appointments outside the home are slowing down, I am hoping to have more time to figure out how to accomplish these things.
Through all of this, I am continually learning to praise the Lord in the midst of these difficult and unwanted circumstances because I know that He is using them to refine me and to make me more like Jesus.
Does this mean I like what is happening? No.
Does this mean that I am a perfect Christian mother and entirely unselfish? Ha. Definitely not.
But, I trust that He is redeeming this terrible situation in ways we can’t even imagine. I trust that I will be a more loving and selfless person because of all that we are going through.
It’s a moment by moment process of surrendering my own desires for what is best for Tori. It isn’t easy, I’m not perfect at it, but thankfully we serve a God who showed us what selflessness looks like when He sent His son, Jesus, to our world two thousand years ago, and that same God is just as full of love, grace and mercy today as He was then.
Philippians 2:2-11
2 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? 2 Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
6 Though he was God,[a]
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges[b];
he took the humble position of a slave[c]
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,[d]
8 he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.9 Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
I live my life with my “hands empty, eyes up” and I “do the next thing” (both of those quotes were topics that were discussed at the “Night to Breathe” event and I will be writing more about them in the future). I surrender my exhaustion and my fear to the Lord and He sustains me. Most days, I have no idea how I got through it all, and that is a huge testament to God’s constant presence in our lives.
I don’t know what the future holds for our little family, and I am overwhelmed when I think about what may be coming our way. So I choose to live moment by moment, day by day, and I do whatever I can to serve my daughter as selflessly as I can, knowing that she is suffering more than I can begin to imagine, and knowing that Jesus Himself lived a completely selfless life to redeem us and be our perfect example. It truly is the least that I can do.
“Do you ever tell God that you are angry at him?”
We are asked fairly often if we are angry at God or frustrated with Him.
We can honestly say no. We are not.
Are we curious to know why this is happening? Of course.
Do we have our moments of sorrow and frustration at our circumstances? Definitely.
But anger at God has not been and is not currently something we are experiencing.
God is God and we are not.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Isaiah 55:8
As I wrote before, we trust God completely and, even though we don’t like what is happening, we know that we will eventually (even if in Heaven) understand why this happened. We know beyond any doubt that He is trustworthy, faithful, and loving.
We know that He will be glorified through her life no matter how long we have her here on earth.
This doesn’t mean that we are “okay” with Tori’s situation, blindly accepting it without emotion. But, it does mean that it’s “okay” in the sense that we know that God is in control, we know that He loves us – and her – and we know that He has an amazing plan for all of our lives. We are unable to comprehend His plan at this moment, but we trust that He has one.
We are filled with His peace that exceeds all that we understand. There is no earthly reason for us to be so at peace with all of this – it is absolutely from God. Being at peace doesn’t mean that we are okay with any of this, but it means that we trust the One who knows all and created all. We trust Him fully with our precious Tori and know that He loves her even more than we do. We know that He eventually uses all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
It is a moment-by-moment process of surrendering all of this to Him and choosing to not worry, to not be angry, and to continue to hope that He will choose to heal her here on earth. He is more than able, and nothing is impossible for Him (Luke 1:37)!
The daily reading for today is from Psalm 66, and it is so fitting for our situation, and for this question:
Psalm 66
1 Shout joyful praises to God, all the earth!
2 Sing about the glory of his name!
Tell the world how glorious he is.
3 Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds!
Your enemies cringe before your mighty power.
4 Everything on earth will worship you;
they will sing your praises,
shouting your name in glorious songs.”5 Come and see what our God has done,
what awesome miracles he performs for people!
6 He made a dry path through the Red Sea,[a]
and his people went across on foot.
There we rejoiced in him.
7 For by his great power he rules forever.
He watches every movement of the nations;
let no rebel rise in defiance. Interlude8 Let the whole world bless our God
and loudly sing his praises.
9 Our lives are in his hands,
and he keeps our feet from stumbling.
10 You have tested us, O God;
you have purified us like silver.
11 You captured us in your net
and laid the burden of slavery on our backs.
12 Then you put a leader over us.[b]
We went through fire and flood,
but you brought us to a place of great abundance.13 Now I come to your Temple with burnt offerings
to fulfill the vows I made to you—
14 yes, the sacred vows that I made
when I was in deep trouble.
15 That is why I am sacrificing burnt offerings to you—
the best of my rams as a pleasing aroma,
and a sacrifice of bulls and male goats. Interlude
16 Come and listen, all you who fear God,
and I will tell you what he did for me.
17 For I cried out to him for help,
praising him as I spoke.
18 If I had not confessed the sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
19 But God did listen!
He paid attention to my prayer.
20 Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer
or withdraw his unfailing love from me.
Praise God who does not ignore our prayers or withdraw His unfailing love from us.
Guatemala Stories: The Ravine
“All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all”
We had been told about The Ravine. We had been briefed on what we should expect and the few things we should/shouldn’t do while there.
But, words can only go so far; some things have to be seen, touched, smelled, experienced for full impact to occur. The Ravine is one of those things.
The Ravine is a garbage dump in Chimaltenango. There are over 50 families there who live and work among the heaps of garbage, hoping to scrape a living out of the waste of others.
Our team traveled there on Friday morning to bring small bags of staple food items and soap to 50 of these families and to pray with them.
Their situation seems hopeless. They have been stuck in the cycle of poverty for generations, with seemingly no way out. Each day is the same: work until dark, hoping to find treasures that can be reused/cleaned/recycled and sold to buy food for their families.
“All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all”
Hope doesn’t seem to exist here at first glance. However, we have seen first-hand that God is indeed redeeming and restoring these people, starting with their precious children. We saw hope in the eyes of each person with whom we prayed and spoke that day. We saw hope in the eyes of their children when we visited them later that day. He is literally taking them from the ashes and making them new, opening doors to a life they never dreamed would be possible. And this is all because of the love of two precious people: Cesar and Carol.
Cesar and Carol decided that they needed to open a school for the children of The Ravine – a school where they could break free from the cycle of poverty and literally change their community forever. That’s how The Ravine School was born only a little more than a year ago – completely out of faith in God. Carol and Cesar did not have a “nest egg” or any riches to speak of, but they believed in a God who redeems, and had faith that He would rescue these children.
There are now 114 children in The Ravine School who are learning to read, write, use computers, and grasp their full potential instead of carrying on the work of their parents and grandparents in the dump with no hope of escape. From a one room building to a beautiful space with classrooms and plenty of light in only a year, God’s redeeming love and faithfulness is abundant in this place.
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
– Gungor’s “Beautiful Things” (lyrics throughout post) is the perfect song for what God is doing at The Ravine…Hear the song here.
The color and lighting are imperfect due to shooting from inside a vehicle (in order to avoid making the families feel uncomfortable), but these images still show how God is continuing to make beautiful things out of bad situations.
Stay tuned for more about The Ravine School and the beautiful things happening there.
Book Review: “Finding God in the Bible” by Darren Wilson
I originally requested this book because the title – “Finding God in the Bible” – seemed so strange. God is everywhere in the Bible, so why would we need to find Him?
As it turns out, this book is remarkable and did indeed show me aspects of God’s character that I hadn’t thought about before. Darren Wilson’s witty writing style coupled with his genuine (and common) questions made this book difficult to put down.
I know that I’m not alone in this: so often when we read the Bible, we forget that these were actual people with actual emotions. We forget that Abraham really loved Isaac and that the almost-sacrifice was heartbreaking for him. It’s so easy to just read the black and white letters on the page and remove our imaginations from the process. Darren, as a filmmaker, invites us to use our imaginations and bring the stories to life, and to view God as these people would have viewed Him.
I really loved the chapter about what God looks like (titled “God’s Invisibility Cloak”). I’m sure we’ve all wondered what God looks like and why He doesn’t reveal Himself to us here on earth.
I can see this scene playing out, and I put myself in Moses’ shoes at that moment. It has to be a momentous situation. The God of the universe has just listened to you and has just opened His heart to you. There’s a lot of goodwill happening here, and Moses must have realized that he is never going to have a chance as good as this again. He’s heard the voice, but he’s never seen the speaker. So he goes for broke and blurts out the biblical equivalent of “Can I please see what You look like?” It’s the question that every human in history who has believed in God has thought at some point or another. What does God look like? – page 66
What I love the most about this book is Darren’s genuine writing style and questions. It’s like we’re sitting in my living room and he’s telling me a story. And through it all, I learn more about God’s character. It’s a win-win situation.
Definitely pick up this book. It will strengthen your faith and teach you new things about God’s character.
I received a copy of this book from Bethany House in exchange for my honest review.
Book Review: “Reasons For Belief”
I am so thankful that books like this exist. In today’s post-modern, relativistic culture, Christians are bombarded with questions like those contained in this book, and we’re often left stumbling over our words because we’re not sure exactly what to say or how to say it.
Reasons for Belief tackles ten “essential questions” that are asked about Christianity and the authors do it in a very disarming, practical, easy-to-understand way.
My favorite chapter was the one that addressed the topic of truth and whether or not there is absolute truth. This is something I have personally encountered and have had to defend countless times in our culture, and I have often felt like I didn’t have the right explanation. In our world of relativism, there IS absolute truth and the authors break it down in really simple, matter-of-fact points.
After reading this, I feel so much more able to discuss these topics with people who are asking the questions. It is so important as Christians to be “armed and ready” when people have questions about our faith. This book is an excellent resource!
I received a copy of this book from Bethany House in exchange for my honest review.
Even So, Joy 