Category: Family…

Our IVF Journey: The Results

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As I type this, I am halfway through the first trimester already – so, our IVF was successful! However, it didn’t go as we had anticipated.

On September 1, we drove to Towson, MD for the transfer. The entire process lasted about ten minutes but the transfer itself was about one second! We were given a picture of our two precious embryos as they were hatching from their shells.

Right before the embryo transfer – #4 is the boy and #6 is the girl

We put in two embryos because we really wanted twins, but we also did it just in case only one made it. Financially it was necessary because this transfer was already paid for but subsequent ones will cost around $4,000 each. We needed this one to work.

The transfer was quick but the waiting was long.  Thankfully we were both distracted by the happenings in our lives and didn’t have much time to wonder if I was pregnant. The pregnancy test wasn’t until September 14, but while I was visiting family in California I took a test and it was positive. It was a super faint line, but there was a line!

On September 14, I had blood drawn and received the call that afternoon that I was indeed pregnant and that my HCG numbers were great – 971! They said it was too early to know if there were twins in there based on the number. More blood was drawn a few days later and my HCG was close to 6,000.

We had our first ultrasound on September 25 – also Brennan’s birthday. At first we were only seeing one baby and our hearts fell. The technician then said, “you’re having identical twins!”

Six Weeks

To say that news was shocking is an understatement, as it’s actually quite rare – even in IVF – for embryos to split. We’re talking less than 2% chance. We were both shocked and saddened at the same time because this means that we lost an embryo.

The funniest part of all of this is that we now have no idea what we’re having! We knew when we put in the boy and the girl…but now we don’t know which embryo split! God has such a sense of humor! We will be happy no matter what we’re having, but we’re hoping these are boys simply because it’s our only shot at boys – our remaining frozen embryo is a girl.

Seven Weeks

Both babies have strong heartbeats (141 at the seven week ultrasound) and are growing right on schedule. I feel fine and have no pregnancy symptoms aside from being a little more tired. My pregnancy with Tori was easy with no morning sickness so I’m praying for the same with the twins!

I have 1-2 more weeks of being seen at Shady Grove Fertility before I transfer to my doctor in Hershey. I cannot recommend Shady Grove highly enough – they are the best at what they do and have been so good to us!

It has been quite the adventure. It hasn’t always been easy and I’m growing weary of the nightly progesterone shots (and the side effects that brings). But, it’s beyond worth it to know that I’m carrying precious Krabbe-free twins (they aren’t even carriers!)!

Thank you all for continuing to pray for us and support us. Please keep praying for the twins – specifically that they are in their own sacs – and for an uneventful and full-term pregnancy. My goal is to carry them until at least 36 weeks, and preferably beyond that. ❤

God is so good and we are so thankful that He has made this possible.

Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss

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I’ve mentioned before that ever since Tori went to Heaven I’ve felt quiet, as though I have nothing to say. And so I’ve stayed quiet, not wanting to force the words just for the sake of writing.

Well, I finally feel as though I have something about which I can write.

Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss.

As the date for our embryo transfer draws nearer, I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind and heart. We will be pregnant soon! I honestly feel like I’m already “nesting” even though I’m not even pregnant yet. Brennan can attest to this, haha. Granted, that’s partially because we still haven’t really moved into our house yet and I’m ready to be SETTLED. But I digress. My heart longs to be pregnant, to have the hope of future children.

I just want to be a mother again, to hold and care for these precious babies who are currently frozen. 

But there’s a lingering fear that I can’t quite chase away – a fear that one or even both of the embryos won’t attach. That I will miscarry. That we will have two or three children in Heaven and not just one. There’s little reason to think this will happen, says my doctor. I’m healthy, fertile, and have no reason to believe that the embryos won’t attach. We’ve seen how God has moved mountains to make this even possible. So why are these fears so present?

I have a feeling that parenting any child after losing Tori is going to be a greater blessing than we can imagine and yet contain the potential for greater fear than we’ve ever had before. Any symptom that reminds me of Krabbe. If they have reflux like we thought Tori did. If they have any developmental delays. Anything like that will have the potential to throw me back into the pre-diagnosis days with Tori, wondering if the genetic testing was wrong. Wondering if they do have Krabbe. I have a feeling this will be a challenge to overcome.

I’m not one to be fearful, really ever. I trust the Lord and I believe that He has me in His hands. I believe that He is in control and that He knows exactly what will become of these precious frozen embryos. So I must surrender, moment by moment, any fear or doubts that creep into my mind, because I know that they aren’t from Him. 

I will continue to process my thoughts and emotions about all of this as we progress though pregnancy and parenthood after losing Tori. I pray that my transparency is a blessing to others and that the Lord will continue to work in and through our lives.

Please pray for our embryos – our son and our daughter: pray that they will survive the thaw, that they will attach to my uterus quickly, and that they will develop into healthy, thriving babies. September 1 is quickly approaching! 

 

Even So…

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The common theme of the past six months has been hurdles. Things haven’t been going as smoothly as we would like and we’ve come up against some significant challenges.

  • Buying this house came with one obstacle after another and cost more than we anticipated not only to buy it, but to do the necessary renovations (that still aren’t done because we ran out of money). It seems like all of our Dave Ramsey progress was lost and we’re having to start over again in our process to becoming debt-free.
  • We drained our savings (and our HSA) to pay for IVF (though MUCH of the cost was donated by generous and amazing people and we are SO very grateful!), and it’s tough to rebuild it.
  • We started an AirBnB in the apartment upstairs and have LOVED running it. It has brought joy to us and to the families and single mothers we have been able to serve and bless through this venture. It has also been hugely beneficial financially. 

    However, two of our neighbors are “uncomfortable” with the idea for ridiculous reasons (they don’t understand AirBnB at all, essentially) and they filed complaints with the township. We were forced to make a decision to either pay $450 and wait three months (and go to two zoning board hearings) to try to be rezoned for this type of use (no guarantee of approval), or give up and just get a tenant (less income, loss of the opportunity to help others enjoy Hershey and run an AirBnB; loss of space to host family and friends and bands (through RYFO.org) upstairs).

    Ultimately, we’ve decided to try to find a tenant because some battles aren’t worth fighting. The township needs to modify their rules about AirBnB instead of trying to make it fit into other molds and making it impossible for residents to do. I am proud of my letter to the township supervisors and hope that it will make a difference in the future for property owners to use their property as they choose.

  • I haven’t had much time to finish my book proposal or to find an agent, even though my manuscript has been complete (and edited) for six months. I’m struggling to remain positive about it being published, even though I believe that the Lord led me to write it for that purpose.
  • I am committed to do many good things, but finding a balance and remaining disciplined has been a challenge.

Even so, it is well with our souls.

It hasn’ t been ALL bad, but the hard things in life tend to overshadow the good; when we focus on the positive we realize that we have had some GREAT things happen:

  • We thoroughly enjoyed our trip to California, Oregon, Washington, and ALASKA in June and returned home feeling rejuvenated even though the trip was exhausting. Seeing the beauty of God’s creation and spending treasured time with family was worth every lost minute of sleep.
  • We found out that we have THREE embryos (out of the five) that are healthy! Two are not even carriers of Krabbe! The fourth embryo needs to be retested, and the fifth has chromosomal abnormalities that are not survivable. We are thankful for these 3-4 and will hopefully do the first transfer in August.
  • Thanks to my dad spending two weeks out here, we’ve nearly completed the basement projects (laundry room/bathroom drywall and paint, etc.). We’re going to be ready for hosting bands and other guests so soon! Since we’re giving up the AirBnB this space will allow us to continue to minister to bands through RYFO – an amazing network of host homes for touring musicians.
  • Brennan and I are trying to become much more disciplined than we are currently in every area of our lives. It’s a struggle but we must overcome and become self-disciplined.

Through it all, my heart has remained at peace because I trust the Lord completely and I have absolute faith that this is all happening for a reason. As the popular song states, “Let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name…” He is still on the throne, He is still in charge, and, most importantly, He still LOVES us. In those moments when I feel worry start to encroach on my peace, I stop and pray and remind myself that He’s got this.

And so we press on, knowing that it will all turn out alright.

It Is Well

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I have served as the worship leader at Transcend Church for a little over three months now. While I have led worship almost continually over the past 22 years in some capacity, this is the first time I have been “the leader” of a worship team instead of me just playing guitar and singing. This has certainly been a growing experience for me and I am so thankful for the members of the worship team and their talents and hearts for worship.

Few are aware of what goes into choosing a worship set – it’s far more than just picking songs you like. I typically read the Scripture for the upcoming sermon and prayerfully choose songs that go along with the sermon. Yet, sometimes it’s honestly just following the Holy Spirit’s guidance and how I “feel” about a particular song fitting in with the set.

This week was definitely a “feel” week as the passage did not easily lend itself to songs. While I was doing all of this, I considered that this Sunday was Mother’s Day but didn’t give it much thought.

As I leafed through my (gigantic) binder of music, a few jumped out at me, unrelated in theme at first glance – “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” would start the morning as a great reminder that God is trustworthy, merciful, and faithful. We’d do “Even Unto Death” and “Give Me Faith” to remind ourselves that the God we serve is worthy to be followed and trusted, no matter what. I chose a few other songs to fill in the set and thought I was done.

I grabbed my guitar and began playing through the set but it still didn’t feel complete. Later that afternoon the hymn “It Is Well With My Soul” – one of my favorites – came into my head and I knew that was what was missing. In addition, I decided to add Bethel’s song “It Is Well” to the end.

If you aren’t aware, the back story to the song “It Is Well” is one of the most powerful I’ve ever heard. Mr. Spafford lost his four daughters in a shipwreck, all at once. Four daughters. And yet, he penned the words to this poem (now song) and declared that it was well with his soul.

How can that be?

I contend that…

It can be well with your soul despite your grief. 

It can be well with your soul despite your circumstances. 

It can be well with your soul despite your questions and uncertainties of God’s actions. 

This can all be true because it isn’t dependent on you – it’s dependent on God. When you believe the truth of who God is (faithful, loving, merciful, kind, generous, good), when you believe His Word and His promises (there IS life after death for those who trust in Jesus!), and when you trust Him fully, there is peace within your soul that surpasses understanding (Phil. 4:7). We’ve lived it. We know this is true.

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We have a beautiful sign in our home that quotes this hymn, and it has been a great reminder to us as we’ve learned to live without Tori here on earth. We’ve truly learned that “whatever our lot” we can be at peace when we are trusting the Lord and following Him.

As I led worship this morning, the emotion of missing Tori began to well up inside as we sang the final verse of the hymn:

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul!

The emotion was two-fold: first, remembering the tragic circumstances that brought this song into this world and how deep the pain is when you lose a child; second, I long for this day – the day when Jesus returns and we are reunited with our precious Tori (and other loved ones who have gone before us). I cannot wait for that day and for the eternity with her that will follow.

I got through the song, but as the sermon began my eyes were teary as I pondered the joyous reunion that awaits us.

As the Bethel song by the same name says,

Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.
Through it all, through it all, it is well.
So let go, my soul, and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name.

The same Jesus who calmed the storm that threatened to wreck the ship He and His disciples were on is the same Jesus who lives today and loves us deeply. He is still in control, even when we can’t feel it.

Being well in your soul doesn’t mean that things are perfect, or that you pretend to not be in pain. It simply means that you trust Jesus more than you fear your circumstances.

Yes, my Tori is gone. Yes, my heart longs for her. Even so, it is well with my soul. 

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I don’t know why I was led to put the songs on the set list today that I did, but I know that, if nothing else, my own heart was encouraged by the words of these songs. Hopefully the Lord used them to speak to others, as well.

A Dream Years in the Making

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Brennan and I have lived in four different ZIP codes since we got married.

17070 (New Cumberland) – above a (loud, busy) pub. On the third floor, with no air conditioning. Quite possibly the worst decision of our marriage (thus far)! 

(Photo credit: PennLive)

17033 (Union Deposit/South Hanover Township/Hershey) – perfect location, cute second floor apartment:

 

17109 (Lower Paxton Township/Harrisburg) – our first home purchase/flip/sale, the home where Tori lived and where she left this earth. 

17112 (Lower Paxton Township/Linglestown) – with our friends in their in-law apartment for four months as we waited to move to Hershey.

Two apartments, a house, and an in-law apartment as temporary transition space.

As our lives became increasingly rooted in Hershey, we knew this is where we wanted to settle. To be close to work, to Milton Hershey, to our doctor/chiropractor, nearly everything in our lives would be a true blessing.

Settling down and putting down roots is a daunting concept to me for some reason, but a few years ago I realized that I would be happy to live in Hershey for a long time. Brennan agreed.

So, we began to dream. We figured out the area where we wanted to live and “told God” the quadrant boundaries (haha).

We knew that it would take a miracle of sorts to be able to purchase a home in downtown Hershey given the market values of homes there. It’s expensive.

We refuse to have a huge mortgage because we don’t want to work just to pay for a house; so, we did the math and figured out our maximum purchase price. But, we also knew that our price limit would make it a challenge to find a home there.

After Tori went to Heaven, we focused on finishing our home and listing it on the market. It went under contract two weeks after we put it on the market and we closed on December 8, 2016. Once it was under contract we made arrangements with our friends, Lauren and Casey, to live in their in-law apartment until we could figure out what was next. We are so thankful for their hospitality.

On Thanksgiving day, two weeks before closing, we got a message from a friend of ours who owns several properties in Hershey. Steve said that he knew we were selling our house and wondered if we would be interested in one of his properties in Downtown Hershey. He said it was a two-unit property (that we could easily convert back into one home eventually) with a tenant upstairs and that the tenant’s rent paid more than half of the mortgage. His asking price was just a bit above the limit we had set, but we knew that with a tenant we could easily make it work.

Remember the quadrant we asked God if we could live in? This house is five houses outside of the boundaries we had set. We couldn’t help but laugh because it was a great reminder that God is in control!

We drove by the property the next day and fell in love – not only with the property but with the location. This was confirmed even in the littlest of details: a red tree in the backyard, hydrangeas in the front yard, a porch swing, and a charming house full of history.

This house was built in 1900 by Mr. Hershey for his supervisors. The entire original town of Hershey was built by him, because he wanted his employees to live in a model town, and he made homeownership a reality for his workers – something that was previously out of reach. We love Mr. and Mrs. Hershey so to live in a home that was built because of them is incredible.

After we closed on our house, we drove straight to Hershey to tour the house and immediately knew this was the house for us. And the process began.

It took (WAY) longer than we expected, but as of today, Brennan and I are homeowners again!



We were allowed to start working on the house prior to closing and we hired our friends, John and Briana, to help us with refinishing the floors, reorganizing the kitchen (read: essentially gutting and repositioning everything), tiling the bathroom, and eventually they will help us remodel the basement and add a bathroom down there. My parents painted the living room, kitchen (including cabinets), and bathroom and were a tremendous help with so many other things during their two week stay.

Here are some before and after pictures of the kitchen (click to enlarge):

The tenant upstairs moved out due to family situations, so we have decided to list the apartment on AirBnB for the summer to test the waters. Given our amazing location, it’s likely that we can bring in more income from AirBnB than by having a tenant, so we’re going to try! Plus, I’ve long wanted to run a “bed and breakfast” so this would be ideal.

We are finally starting to feel settled, and it’s a great feeling to know that we won’t be moving for a VERY long time (Lord willing). ❤ Hershey is now our home.

Stillness 

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Perhaps it’s because I wrote furiously throughout the summer in order to finish my manuscript. Perhaps it’s because I now work outside the home and am forced to speak with guests continually throughout the day, using up my “daily word count” quickly. Perhaps it’s because, with Tori gone, my purpose for writing has changed and I still haven’t quite figured out what’s next.

Whatever the reason, I’ve been struggling to write lately. I haven’t felt inspired.

I want to write, I want to process life with my writing as I have always done. But, I’m simply unable to do so right now. It feels forced.

I rarely comment or post statuses on social media. I rarely blog. I think all the time and am constantly processing things; the difference is that I’ve been keeping it to myself instead of adding my words to a world in need of less noise.

I haven’t been doing this intentionally, but it has happened and I’ve been trying to figure out why. 

Perhaps it’s been my way of creating some stillness and peace in a world and a life so busy and chaotic.

Perhaps it’s simply a reflection of the peace my heart feels most days. 

Whatever the cause, I’m still here. We’re still here. Life is busy, mostly with good things, and we have some exciting things on the horizon. 

We’re preparing to move to downtown Hershey within the next month (!!) which will change so much about our lives – a drastically shortened commute time, becoming landlords, being part of a community that we’ve wanted to join for years, and being able to walk almost everywhere we need to go.

My friend, Jenn, and I are waiting for the official call that will start our LuLaRoe business and cannot wait to see what this venture brings! Brennan and I hope that this will help us fully fund our IVF and adoption expenses. You can check out our page here! 

Speaking of that, we hope to begin the IVF process (again) in the next month or so. We need $10,000 up front to start and we have raised $8,000! Praise the Lord! We cannot wait to be parents again. 

I am hoping that March will be the month for pitching my manuscript to publishers. 

We’re quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Tori’s heaven-going and aren’t sure how we will spend that day (March 27), but I’m pretty sure giraffes will be involved.

I’m hoping to find my voice once more and to write about life and seeing God work again. But, for now, I am being still (Psalm 46:10) and doing what I can to focus on the Lord and where He is leading. ❤ Good things are in store.

A New Adventure 

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If you had told me six months ago that I would be embarking on a new business venture in 2017 that involved clothing, I would have laughed. Hard. 

And yet, here I am, waiting excitedly to get the onboarding call from LuLaRoe along with my friend and business partner, Jenn! 

I discovered LuLaRoe in November when my friend, Emily, sent me a photo of giraffe leggings. I was intrigued and that’s where it all started. 

I don’t necessarily care about fashion, but I definitely care about comfort, and that’s my favorite thing about LuLaRoe. I can be comfortable AND stylish! 


I will be posting more as time goes on about why I love LuLaRoe, but I wanted to share our group link here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/378132492585320/

Jenn and I are doing this for our own specific reasons, but mine (and Brennan’s) is this: we want to be parents again and we know that selling LuLaRoe (and encouraging others along the way) is one way to make that happen. ❤

Pieces of a Puzzle

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Like everything in life, there are many pieces of our IVF and adoption journey that have to come together just right. We have to be able to afford it (likely $50,000 for both). We have to have a suitable home (closing in March, if all goes well). We have to have Krabbe-free embryos. We have to be matched with a birth family. There are many other examples, but overall we have to be patient and rely on the Lord’s timing.

In an effort to raise funds but also include others in our journey, we borrowed the idea to “sell” puzzle pieces for $20. The giraffe puzzle is 500 pieces, so that represents $10,000 of the funding needed. More importantly, it will be a physical display of all those who made it possible for us to have more children join our family.

We’ve had a great response so far and we are so encouraged!

If you would like to be a piece of the puzzle that helps build our family, here’s what you can do:

  • Send $20 via PayPal to Lesa.Brackbill@gmail.com OR
  • Mail a check for $20 to:
    P.O. Box 406
    Hershey, PA 17033

Once we have all 500 pieces claimed, we will put the puzzle together and glue it together/frame it. Someday we will be able to show Tori’s siblings all the love that was shown toward our family and who made it possible to bring them into our family.

Overall, we have already raised $1,100 and the auction hasn’t even begun! God is SO good!

The auction will take place here on January 20-25. In this group you will also see the other fundraisers happening (currently, Thirty-One; in February, LuLaRoe!). This is also where you will continue to see progress reports more regularly than on the blog.

Thank you all for the support and love you continue to show us ❤