Category: Musings and Ponderings

Living with Intentionality…

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2011 is our year of living with intentionality…

I have set many personal goals for the year (NOT “resolutions”), and many of them tie in with Proverbs 31. Yes, like many, I am also going to focus on being more in shape this year, but that’s because I’m walking 60 miles in three days in October, and must train in order to survive! More importantly, I am striving to be the best wife to Brennan that I can be…to love him like he deserves to be loved. 🙂 Because I’m an organized person, I needed to map out what that would look like in terms of goals. So, I made a list, and I am working hard to become more Christ-like in everything I do, especially when it comes to my husband.

As a couple, we also set a few goals…

We are being very intentional about spending time with certain friends and family members, recognizing that in the past year we often let months go by without seeing them. This also includes an intentionality of time together as a couple, because we recognize the need to continually invest in our marriage.

We are being very intentional about living frugally, in an effort to be debt-free. As of now, we will be debt-free as of September 2012 at the latest, and we are running toward that goal with “gazelle intensity”, as Dave Ramsey says. 🙂 This is playing out in our lives in different ways: budgeting every dollar (like Dave Ramsey says to do), seeking extra income, planning out meals and using programs such as the Angel Food Ministry to save on groceries (and COUPONS!), and making little sacrifices along the way (“Live like no one else so that later you can live like no one else!” –Dave Ramsey) because we recognize that being debt-free is a far better achievement than the things we might choose to spend money on now.  Once we are debt-free, we will hopefully buy a home and start a family. That’s our plan, but God may have other plans, and that’s okay, too!

We are being intentional about serving others and serving our community. I am still the “Community Project Coordinator” for our church(es), but that’s the only church responsibility I hold now (after stepping down from worship team for a MUCH needed break after doing it every Sunday for two years–plus practice every Saturday morning). This will allow me to spend more time seeking projects to benefit our neighbors and to demonstrate the Kingdom of God in Harrisburg, PA. We are still involved in a church plant (The Well at East Shore), and are praying about becoming involved in another one later this year. Wherever God leads…

We have really simplified our lives, cutting out things (even “good things”, like church activities) that were making us “busy”, and that were keeping us from clear ministry opportunities that God was putting in our lives. There are people in our lives that desperately need the love of Jesus, and we were too busy to notice until now. So, now we are being intentional (there’s that word again! 🙂 ) about investing in those people…

2011 is going to be a great year…and we are open to whatever God brings our way!

*Side note on the Angel Food Ministry program: they offer amazing deals on food that is perfectly good–not expired or bad quality, as some assume–and it’s open to anyone of any income! We ordered two boxes of food/fruits/vegetables for a total of $68, and one lady figured out that the $41 box is worth $120! I figured out that the fruit/veggie box ($23) is worth close to $50! Best part is that once I sat down and created a menu for the month of February using the food in the boxes, I was able to get 15 meals out of all that food (for two people), with only having to buy a few items at the store to supplement the meals. We are SO excited to be living frugally, supporting  a ministry, AND still eating good, healthy meals in the process!

Random Thoughts and Happenings…

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  • This is my third winter in Pennsylvania, what I consider to be my third “real” winter ever. And I’m already finding that I’m not as excited as I was about the first two. It snowed a little last Friday, and rather than be thrilled and overjoyed–as I was the past two years–I found myself saying things like “oh great”. 🙂 Amazing how quickly the newness of snow can wear off.
  • We are busy. Way too busy for our liking! Starting tonight, we have something to do/somewhere to be every night until the 28th. How does this happen?
  • I really wish we were going to California for Christmas…especially because Papa Fay has Alzheimers, and we don’t know if he’ll remember us next summer. But, I’m excited about possibly having my first “White Christmas” 🙂
  • Our apartment is finally feeling like a “home” as we slowly unpack, rearrange, and get rid of cardboard boxes. 🙂 We caved in last week and turned on the heat a bit, because 54 degrees is about fourteen degrees too cold for us.
  • I started the “thank you note” process the other night…I have 150 cards to write–and while we are both thankful that we get to write these (because we were so blessed by our friends and family!), the number is a bit daunting…as is the etiquette rule that says you have eight weeks to get them to people. We’re at six weeks now. 🙂
  • The band that I am a part of is recording a demo this weekend, as there are a few venues that have opened up to us, but they require a demo CD. Thankfully, our “leader” has a recording studio in his basement. It’s been SO fun to play/sing in this band–but it has definitely challenged me and taken me out of my comfort zone at times. Three gigs last week alone…and more to come.
  • I have raised 9% of the $2,300 for the 3-day walk that I am doing in October! Still selling calendars!
  • All in all, life is good. We are loving being married, and have determined that it is far better than engaged life. There is nothing like starting and ending every day with the one you love most. 🙂

Thoughts on dating, marriage, and purity…

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She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:12

This is to my single friends, hopefully as an encouragement…

I am married…it’s still hard to believe! For years I wondered whether or not I would ever get married, whether or not that was truly God’s plan for my life. From early on, I had decided to let God write my love story, because I learned the hard way that Satan likes to use boys to hurt girls emotionally (and vice-a-versa, of course), and I am still dealing with some of those scars today. I rarely “dated” boys as a result of my experiences and my decision to let God be in control, and was truly content for a majority of my college career—until all my friends started getting married.

As I attended wedding after wedding, and as I watched my closest friends move into a new phase of life (one that I deeply desired), I made a decision to follow and trust Him instead of worrying and stressing—figuring that He knows me better than I know myself, and knowing that life is better when we do things His way. I read in Proverbs 31:12 that the woman described brought good and not harm to her husband ALL the days of her life—which means even before she knew him! What a challenge that verse presents…but I decided to do my best to achieve that goal.

I kept one secret from Brennan until we were 10 days away from getting married, but it was for a good reason. In 2002, while on a porch in Williamsport, Pennsylvania, I began writing letters to my future husband in a little journal, not knowing that he was so close to me! I wrote with the intent of giving it to him right before the wedding. This journal contains great memories and many special notes, including one entry on July 14th (five days before we officially started dating) that simply said that I knew I was going to marry him—because I did! I kept a timeline and notes about our relationship, things that we will laugh about in the future and will want to remember for years.

I gave that journal to Brennan the day before I left for California (for our wedding), and was SO excited for him to read my prayers for him, for us, and all the other treasures those letters contain. Eight years of praying for him, writing to him, most of which before I even knew his name.  Eight years of wondering, of searching, of aching for the love that I now know.

Writing those letters helped me maintain my focus on purity and on “not settling” for any guy that came along. Sure, I wondered every time I met a new guy, “could this be him?” But none really seemed right. And, honestly, God really protected me all those years, because it was rare for a guy to express interest in me. My focus remained solid: I sought to know the Lord, to keep myself pure, and to serve Him wherever He led.

When God led me to move to Pennsylvania from sunny Southern California, so many people asked me if it was for a guy. I honestly was able to say no…but, of course, a hope existed in my heart that I would meet my “Prince Charming” and finally find true love.  I moved, began to build friendships, went on a few blind dates (most of which were laughably terrible), and found an incredible church. It was in this church that I began to find my “place” in Pennsylvania—as this is my mission field. This is where God called me in 2002 and 2003 to serve, and this is where He called me in 2008 to live. I started a singles’ ministry at my church, as it was truly needed (the irony is that I met my husband one week before the class started). That same month, I became part of a team that would plant a church in Harrisburg that fall. God was clearly using my talents and abilities for His purposes and glory, and I was so content!

I began to realize that my singleness all those years was never a mistake—I was able to devote so much time to serving the Lord without distraction, including the ability to lead a month-long mission trip to New Orleans and fully devote myself to our mission there. Had I been in a relationship, those things would have been much more difficult. God had specific plans for me through all my years of singleness, and I don’t regret a single moment!

Now, about 500 days after meeting Brennan, I am married…I am beyond happy to have someone with whom I can serve the Lord just as passionately as before, but now I have a teammate…a partner…someone to support and to be supported by…and I love it. But, had I not obeyed the Lord in faith, where would I be today? Had he not obeyed and trusted the Lord, where would he be today?

For those who are single and longing for marriage, please consider what I have to say (especially teenagers/college-aged friends): Keep yourself pure! Don’t give into temptation to satisfy your desires, and don’t let the world influence you. I know it’s tough, but the fact that Brennan and I remained completely pure has brought an incredible dimension to our marriage already! We don’t have the baggage that comes from past physical relationships, which gives us such a sense of freedom with each other. Even as our wedding approached, we refused to give into the temptation to not go home at night, knowing that it would make marriage even sweeter because we no longer have to say “goodnight” and depart.

God has very good reasons for the “rules” that He makes—especially for purity until marriage. Don’t give up a piece of your heart to someone who isn’t your husband/wife!  You can never get it back, and it will always haunt you. And, really, is it worth the future pain and heartache for today’s desire?

In my opinion, this goes for modesty, too. I truly believe that modesty is not outdated, and it is not “prudish”. It is a way to show respect for your future husband before you even know him! He is the only one who deserves to see your body, and you are showing love to him “all of your days”by being modest in how you dress (Proverbs 31:12—“She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”).  I don’t believe that you can go too far in bringing respect to your future husband NOW, even when you don’t know who he is. I believe this glorifies God, as well, as you honor His guidelines.

As someone who has lived out what she now says, I pray that you will obey the Lord and remain completely pure for your husband. It is truly the best gift that you can ever give to him, and he deserves your BEST.

Thoughts of Haiti…

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I begin my journey to Haiti tomorrow, and will arrive on Sunday morning. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for the reality with which I will be met once I arrive…but I know that what I experience there is far beyond anything I can imagine now. I am excited, I am slightly nervous (as much of this is an “unknown” to me), but I am thrilled to have this opportunity to serve and to love the people there. I have a suitcase that is 90% full of supplies for the Haitian pastors to distribute, and only 10% is my stuff. What a great feeling! I so wish that I could take more/do more…

This week, I have been pondering self-image and the effect that the media has on young girls. At my temp job this week, I encountered paperwork on a girl, age 4, who is refusing to eat because she doesn’t want to “gain weight”…FOUR YEARS OLD…I am about to encounter children who are starving, who would love to be nourished and well-fed, while there are kids here in the States (and this child is also impoverished) who are already so self-conscious that they don’t want to eat. It broke my heart! What could have caused this young child to be so afraid of what she looks like? Sigh…such a contrast to what I am about to encounter, and yet both break my heart…

I am praying the words of Hillsong’s song “Hosanna”: “Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause…” I know that this week will be challenging, but I also know that I am going to grow, and that I will not be the same when I return. 🙂 And that’s what I long for!

Please pray for safe travels, for the health of our team…but more importantly, pray that the Lord will present us with challenging opportunities, and that He will stretch us and make us uncomfortable! We are not there on vacation, we are there to work hard and to serve the precious people of Haiti.

And I can’t wait to get there. :0)

Pictures and stories when I return…

Of Taste Buds and Winter…

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I often wonder about strange things…I love pondering, hence the name of this blog.

My most recent pondering has been about Winter. As this is only my second “true” Winter (since I lived in California for 25 years), I am still adjusting to months of frigid temperatures, white powder covering the ground, and salt on the roads. Winter is bleak, yet beautiful. More than anything, Winter has taught me to fully appreciate Spring, Summer, and Fall. Someone recently described Winter as a time when God allows His creation to rest…a time for the ground to cease growth, and even a time for humans to spend time inside resting, enjoying the warmth and the time not spent tending gardens, mowing lawns, etc. Winter makes us more passionate about the other three seasons, and gives us greater joy at their arrival. I still marvel at all four seasons, recognizing that God didn’t have to create four–He could have kept things constant and thereby boring, and we would have never known the difference. This is yet another way God shows us that we are loved. 🙂

I often think about random things, and most recently it’s been taste buds. What a wonderful creation they are! Without them, we wouldn’t experience the pleasure of different spices and flavors, and eating would be tedious and a chore. Yet, God gave us these little dots to bring us pleasure and happiness while doing a necessary thing like eating. Taste buds are little things, but they bring great joy–or great disgust if you don’t enjoy what you’re eating.

How are these things related? I have come to believe that I may be going through a different kind of Winter right now–being unemployed. I left (well, was forced to leave) a job at which I was thoroughly unhappy, and a job where I was not able to use the talents, gifts, and passions that the Lord has given to me…and I am beginning to wonder if this extended period of joblessness is occurring so that I might more fully appreciate the “Spring” that is to come.

God made us all differently, with different talents, skills, desires, passions. Like tastebuds, certain things might leave a “bad taste” in our mouths, while others thoroughly enjoy them. I’m trying to figure out what it is that will leave me hungering for more, the “job” of which I just can’t get enough.

God has wired me so that I have to be passionate about what I do (for those who have studied StrengthsFinder, my top one is Belief). When I am doing something about which I am passionate (photography, singing, serving other people and gaining nothing in return, etc.), the joy that fills my soul and my life is incredible.  I can work for hours and not even notice. However, when I am doing something that goes against everything that I am (i.e. working in politics, strangely enough), I am unfulfilled, drained, longing for 5 o’clock to come.

I’m holding out for something more, to find the purpose for which God created me, and the purpose for which He brought me to Pennsylvania. I know in my heart that He has a specific purpose for me here, and I cannot wait to figure out what it is!

Lord, show me the path…lead me to the place where my thirst cannot be quenched, where I am meant to be…

“We Speak To Nations”

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Every once in a while, a song pierces my heart and touches me so deeply that I am moved to tears. This morning, as I was driving to New York, I decided to finally listen to a CD that I’ve owned for years now. And I believe that was a God thing, because I discovered a song called “We Speak To Nations” by Israel Houghton…and the words absolutely resonated within my soul and moved me to tears because it speaks about my greatest passion: serving others and taking Christ to the nations.

Here are the lyrics…thank you, Lord, for songs like these that resonate so deeply within our souls and draw us nearer to you!

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations calling
Hear the sound
The sound of the fatherless crying
Who will go for us
Who will shout to the corners
Of the earth
That Christ is King

Chorus:

We speak to nations, "Be Open"
We speak to nations, "Fall On Your Knees"
We speak to nations,
"The Kingdom is com - ing near to you"
Oh,   we speak to strongholds, "Be Broken,"
"Powers of darkness, you have to flee"
We speak to nations,
"The Kingdom is com - ing near to you"
We speak to you, "Be free, yeah be free"

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations worshiping
Hear the sound
Of sons and daughters singing
We will go for you
We will shout to the cor - ners of   the earth
That Christ is King

From California to Pennsylvania…

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On July 14th, 2008, I drove away from Glendora, CA and the life I had known for seven years (and the state in which I had resided my entire life). My mom and I headed east, with maps in hand and a great adventure in store. But the biggest adventure awaited me at the end of the journey: building a new life in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania practically from scratch. With no job, no church, and a few friends in the Harrisburg area, I trusted the Lord and I took the first step with faith that He would prove to be faithful. Eight states and 3,000 miles later, I arrived!

A year ago today, I was saying tearful goodbyes to my best friends, and the people who had walked beside me through so many experiences. We had an evening of bluegrass and fellowship, sharing music and memories, and it was the perfect way to say goodbye to those I love. Today, I am surrounded by new friends who have blessed my life beyond my wildest dreams; friends who hold me accountable in my walk with the Lord and who are seeking Him fervently; friends who are so genuine, so loving, so encouraging…and God has shown His faithfulness through them.

A year ago today, I left my church in Glendora after being a part of it for six years. I came to Pennsylvania praying that the Lord would bring me a church where I could serve and grow, a church that was seeking to love Jesus more and to be Jesus to the community in everything they did…and He, again, blessed me beyond my wildest expectations! My church has truly become FAMILY to me…I love serving there, I love worshiping there, and I am SO blessed to be a part of East Shore Baptist Church! And God again showed His faithfulness here…

All of this came after I had spent many months praying for the Lord to make me uncomfortable–for Him to present situations that would create growth in my relationship with Him…and I never dreamed that would mean moving across the country to a relatively unknown place (I had only been to Harrisburg three or four times before I moved), leaving everything behind. But, that is sometimes what He requires of us! And I am so glad that He answered my prayers for discomfort, for the joy that has come from these experiences and from my deepened walk with Him is immeasurable.

People consistently ask me why on earth I would leave “wonderful California” for Pennsylvania…and the best answer I can give is this: God said to go! 🙂 Pennsylvania is where I am called to be, and I love it more each and every day! Each state has its pros and cons, and no state is truly better than any other, in my opinion. After living in California for 25 years, I was more than ready to experience something new.

God is faithful, and when we listen to His voice, we are blessed beyond compare. :0)

Comparisons…

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I’ve learned something about myself in the past couple of weeks: I compare myself and my talents to others entirely too much…and because of that, I often have a lack of confidence in myself.

Example: Photography. I have some friends who are incredibly gifted “people photographers”, and I love to learn from their work. Since I tend to focus on scenic photography, taking pictures of people has been intimidating to me. I don’t have a lot of experience with it, which of course makes it uncomfortable. And the biggest problem, I think, has been that I compare my work to the work of others…and then I get frustrated when my pictures don’t look like theirs, instead of appreciating my work for what it is.

Another example: Guitar. When our worship pastor first asked me in January to play guitar for the worship team, I was beyond intimidated. Because I know so many incredibly talented guitar players, I have doubted my ability to play guitar for as long as I’ve been playing (13 years). I know I’m not the best–but I am willing to learn and grow and use my talent for the Lord. After I played that first week, I realized that I loved it, and I wasn’t terrible! I now look forward to being able to serve the Lord with my musical ability each week–and it doesn’t hurt that I get to sing each week, too (singing is the one gift in which I have no problem with confidence, LOL).

Between photographing the Quinceañera this weekend (people pictures) and playing piano for worship this morning (when I hadn’t played in public in about 10 years), I was challenged to step out of my comfort zone, and it made me realize how little confidence I have in myself sometimes. It didn’t go nearly as badly as I expected… 🙂

It’s time to recognize that I am a beloved child of God, and I have gifts and abilities that He has given me…and if He calls me to use them, He will enable me to succeed. 🙂 And all I have to do is say “yes” when He calls. 🙂

Forgiveness…

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In my quest to grow in my walk with the Lord, being “uncomfortable” has become a way of life for me over the past year and a half or so. And I have loved it! Has it been easy? Nope. Not at all. It seems like the Lord is continually bringing things into my life to spur growth, and to heal from past scars…and this week has been no exception.

Like every person, I’ve been hurt many times within my twenty-six years of life. Sometimes by individuals, sometimes by groups of people, sometimes by circumstances. Like many Christians, I have also been hurt/scarred/burned by people in the church, and I’ve found that those scars are the hardest to erase.

I’m really struggling these days with forgiving my former church. I’ve never really been a part of a “normal” or “healthy” church until I moved to Pennsylvania. My first church ended up splitting in a vicious, vindictive split when I was 17 (and I went to college before really being able to get involved in the new church, which is doing well and is healthy). The last church I was a part of is practically imploding right now, from reports I hear. And I’m honestly not surprised.  The church has lacked true leadership for years, and I have long sensed that the Lord was trying to get the church’s attention, only to be ignored. That’s all I’ll say, as the details aren’t really the point of this post. I stayed at the church until the Lord called me to Pennsylvania…

The amount of bitterness that exists within my heart (and has existed for five or six years) seems to grow daily, despite my efforts to let it go and forgive them. I adore my new church, as it is the healthiest church I have ever been a part of, and it’s pretty much the opposite of my old church in every way…but, at the same time, each time something great happens at my new church, I am reminded of the bad things that happened (or the good things that were never allowed to happen) at my old church. And the bitterness returns. While I am blessed to have this new church family, blessed to be at a church who truly loves and serves the Lord and the community, and blessed to be at a church that embraces new ideas and doesn’t shoot them down for fear of “change”, my new church is also being used by God to force me to “forgive and forget” the many scars I have from my old church. And it’s not easy.

On Sunday alone, I heard two songs that directly spoke about forgiveness. The lines were: “I’m holding on to things I shouldn’t, and it’s time to let them go” (Brand New Day, by Fireflight) and “…forgiven so that I can forgive” (Majesty, by Delirious, I think). I know what I have to do, but I don’t know how to go about it.

I’m learning that forgiveness is not a passive act–it’s very much active. It’s a choice, yet it’s also a requirement from the Lord. When I think about all that the Lord puts up with from me–all my failings, my sins, my imperfections–and I remember that I am completely forgiven in His eyes, I am reminded that my grievances against my old church are NOTHING compared to all that He has forgiven…

“The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.”—Daniel 9:9

I know that I learned SO much from my experience at my old church, even through the pain and the frustration. I’m trying to see the bigger picture–trying to see God’s purpose for the experience, while allowing the Lord to heal my wounds, which requires looking at the details so that I can forgive the people involved. I know that forgiving them is the only way to move on and the only way to become more like Jesus. I just don’t know how to let go.

And so the struggle continues…

Lukewarm…

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God is not very subtle at times…and that’s a great thing. 

I’m preparing to teach a class at my church/start a ministry for singles. I’m going to be teaching from the book “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan, and I’m totally excited about it. So I’ve been praying about how God wants me to lead into it, etc. 

Well, I decided tonight to finally watch a Francis Chan DVD that I have had for about a year, called “Lukewarm” (you can watch it online here)…WOW. What a message! His main passage was Revelation 3:14-22. Here’s how The Message puts it: 

 14Write to Laodicea, to the Angel of the church. God’s Yes, the Faithful and Accurate Witness, the First of God’s creation, says: 15-17“I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You’re not cold, you’re not hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You’re stale. You’re stagnant. You make me want to vomit. You brag, ‘I’m rich, I’ve got it made, I need nothing from anyone,’ oblivious that in fact you’re a pitiful, blind beggar, threadbare and homeless.

 18“Here’s what I want you to do: Buy your gold from me, gold that’s been through the refiner’s fire. Then you’ll be rich. Buy your clothes from me, clothes designed in Heaven. You’ve gone around half-naked long enough. And buy medicine for your eyes from me so you can see, really see.

 19“The people I love, I call to account—prod and correct and guide so that they’ll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God!

 20-21“Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you. Conquerors will sit alongside me at the head table, just as I, having conquered, took the place of honor at the side of my Father. That’s my gift to the conquerors!

 

 22“Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches.”

The NLT says that “those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne”. Francis pointed out that this is the same throne that the disciple John observed in the next chapter (Revelation 4)–the one with millions of angels surrounding it, bowing down to the King. The treasures in Heaven (and of the Kingdom of God) are SO much greater than anything we could possibly acquire here on earth! Those who “overcome” being lukewarm, and become “hot” will live a life so much more full and abundant than they have ever imagined (not materially, but spiritually)!

God says that the lukewarm nature of the church makes Him want to vomit, and Francis gave us his take on that. He talked about the “rich young ruler” in Luke 18, who “walked away sad” because he couldn’t give up his riches, and compared him to Zacchaeus in Luke 19, who gave up half of all he owned and paid back anyone he had wronged (four times what he had stolen!)  . Francis said it’s like we’re saying “I don’t know if I can give up my stuff, God”–and God is repulsed by that (understandably). Who are we to compare God and His glory to our comparatively little houses and piles of gold?! Why would we choose the things of this world over those things of eternal value? It made so much more sense to me. I’m not explaining it well–you’ll just have to watch the message for yourself. 🙂 

But I realized that THIS is how I have to start the class. We must address the issue of being “lukewarm” before we can talk about living a life passionately for the Lord. All or nothing. 

On top of all this, a friend of mine introduced me to a song yesterday that talks about the very same thing (see post from yesterday with the lyrics to “The Motions”). I think God is being very clear about what He wants me to share with His children. 🙂 And I’m excited–not only to share it with them, but to continue this growth in my own walk. And I’m writing a song (with a friend of mine) about this very topic of “all or nothing”. 

It’s time to be serious, it’s time to truly give Him my ALL.