Unexpected Emotions

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I (finally) received my first copy of my published book today!

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As I held it in my hands I was overwhelmed by two emotions: joy and heartache. 

How fitting that the quote I chose for the back of the book talks about that very conflict.

I felt such joy at knowing that my hard work had paid off, that Tori’s story was finally being told in more depth than ever before, and that new people will learn about her and about Krabbe. I’m finding such unexpected joy in being able to say I’m an AUTHOR. 

But, then I was filled with sorrow because I never should have had to write this book in the first place. No one should lose their child, especially to a disease like Krabbe. I would do anything to have Tori back, healthy, running around like an almost-four-year-old would be doing. Anything.

I allowed myself to embrace the tears (likely also caused by pregnancy hormones 😉 ) for a few moments and then I reminded myself of what I know to be true: that all is well. And I focused on the joy that she brought to our lives, the knowledge that she is in Heaven and we will be with her soon (but not quite yet, as Jim Kelly likes to say), and on the fact that God is going to continue to use her – and us – to save lives as we fight on for Newborn Screening for Krabbe. 

As of now, my book is sitting at #1,336 overall on Amazon. That sounds far from #1, but it’s far higher than 8,000,000 (the number of books for sale on Amazon). It’s also the #1 new release in the Christian Families category. And we are blown away. While we don’t yet know how this translates into numbers of books sold, we’re humbled at these stats.

Numbers matter because Tori matters, because increased awareness is based on the number of people who know about Krabbe, and because numbers will generate revenue for us to donate to Hunter’s Hope. 

So, if you haven’t picked up a copy (or several), please do. It would mean so much to us.

Here’s the Amazon link!

Twenty-Week Update

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I want to preface with this: the babies are well and we have NO reason to be concerned. 😉

I had appointments yesterday and today, as well as the normal anatomy scan. They were *mostly* cooperative. They kept moving around so that the technician couldn’t get some of the specific pictures needed so I will go back next week for a follow-up scan.

They both look great and are measuring basically on track. One is 13oz and one is 14oz.

It was determined that the twins do share a placenta (monochorionic/diamniotic) which puts them in the middle-of-the-road risk wise. They aren’t the most risky type of twins but they aren’t the least risky, either. 🙂

I’ve been upgraded to “high-risk” because they are monochorionic, as there are a list of potential complications (NO evidence of any, just potentials) such as Twin-to-Twin-Transfusion Syndrome, etc. Because of this, I will have ultrasounds every two weeks, a fetal echo-cardiogram, and other testing. Thankfully we live five minutes from the med center!

They said it’s likely that they will be delivered between 34-36 weeks. While that’s not ideal, we will do whatever is best for the boys.  ❤

Everything looks great and they definitely showed personality during the ultrasound by doing somersaults and curling up instead of cooperating. Today one of them kicked the heart rate monitor as the doctor was trying to quickly listen. 😉

 

I’m not sure this pregnancy could possibly be any easier and I am so thankful. I know I still have up to 18 weeks to go and that things may become more challenging, but for now I treasure the ease.

“Is This Your First?”

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It’s inevitable lately: when meeting new people who don’t know about Tori, they will ask if this pregnancy is my first.

Since I recently started a new job it’s happening fairly often. The first few times took me by surprise and I had to think quickly about how to answer: I could be truthful and tell them about Tori, or I could be mostly truthful since this is my first TWIN pregnancy and just say yes to avoid the uncomfortable truth.

So far, I’ve opted to just tell the truth, short and sweet, and allow the potential awkwardness (from their end) to exist.  I look at it as an opportunity to tell others about Krabbe, about Tori’s amazing life, and about the faith that has sustained us.

In each instance, I recognize that I have a choice: I can be truthful with joy or I can be truthful with pain. I can embrace the joy we have found or I can be miserable. 

I continue to embrace joy. 

The title of my upcoming book is “Even So, Joy” which I derived from two sources: the song “It Is Well With My Soul” –

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

and Habakkuk 3:17-19  –

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
    and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
    and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
    and the cattle barns are empty,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
 The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
    He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
    able to tread upon the heights.

The Bible makes it abundantly clear that things are going to be imperfect here on earth. Once sin entered the world, it was inevitable that life would be terrible at times. Things are going to go wrong, our hearts are going to hurt, and sometimes it will seem unbearable.

But, the Bible also makes it clear that it can still be well with our hearts and our souls no matter what comes our way because all of this is temporary. Imperfect life on this earth should make us desire the perfection of what’s to come in Heaven. 

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! – 2 Cor. 4:17

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. – James 1:2-3

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. – Romans 5:3-5

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.  Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.  For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.) – Romans 8:18-25 (emphasis mine)

Our God is a God who redeems. He is worthy of all our praise, even when circumstances don’t appear to be praiseworthy. He knows the full story while we only know this current chapter.

You have a choice to make daily just like me; though our circumstances may be different, I know your life isn’t going perfectly.

Joy is something to be chosen and embraced in the uncertain times, in the “even though” or “even if” moments. For it is then that our faith grows stronger and we are reminded of God’s love, and the least we can do is share it with those who need it the most.

Always be real and genuine, of course, but always be pointing others toward the hope and joy we have in Jesus. It has been said that light shines brightest in the darkness, and this has certainly been proven to be true in my life. Our decision to choose joy after losing a child stands in stark contrast to the way much of the world would react. And that’s kind of the point. We should be different as Christians in this world.

I will continue to be honest and share that the twins are actually child two and three for us, not our first. I will embrace the potential discomfort and awkwardness that the other person may feel and I will point them to the glory of the Lord and the hope and joy He brings.

Even so, it is well with my soul.

Freedom Comes From Discipline

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Freedom and discipline sound contradictory, right? We all want freedom- especially as teenagers. The idea of freedom becomes an idol even though we have not yet learned a very important fact:

“Absolute freedom is absolute nonsense! We gain freedom in anything through commitment, discipline, and fixed habit.” – Richard Foster

I’ve been re-reading “Blessed Are The Misfits” by Brant Hansen now that I have a paper copy and can underline things.

This time around, chapter fourteen made me think more than the ones before it.

At first, I defensively thought that Brant must be wrong saying that freedom is found by struggling, by discipline. It ruffled my feathers because I am not one naturally inclined to be disciplined, though part of me longs for it. Freedom comes from a lack of rules, right?

I began to think of examples of how this could be and one immediately came to mind: piano.

I am naturally musical, which is both good and bad. It’s good because I’ve been successful at any instrument I have attempted; it’s bad because I never stuck with any of them (seven and counting) long enough to be excellent (except for vocals). I would get to a certain level and get bored, so I would quit.

I learned really early in life that I didn’t have to practice (or study) very much to fool my piano teacher. She would praise me and say that she could tell I had worked hard, but I hadn’t. I was only eight years old at the time. I convinced myself that my natural ability was enough and that I could be lazy. This discovery carried over to school because I realized my natural intelligence allowed me to not work as hard as others and still get good grades. We are all inclined to laziness (read Proverbs!), and mine manifested itself through music and school.

How is this related?

Because I didn’t give my all to practicing and continuing to play piano, I am restricted to the notes on a page and am unable to improvise. I am confined by my limited ability despite my desire to play more difficult pieces.

Discipline brings freedom. As Brant said, “We find freedom by losing it (page 135).”

“Anyone who does only what comes naturally, who abandons the struggle, will wind up being less than what he or she could have been. And, like Jesus said, anyone who loses his life for His sake…will find it.”

– Brant Hansen (pg. 136)

Piano is just one of the examples in my life of how I could have found freedom had I applied discipline and embraced the struggle. If I had stuck with it and worked hard, where would I be today?

I could list so many more examples of laziness and lack of discipline in my past.

However, I want to stop the growth of that list in my future by embracing and implementing more discipline in my life and by surrendering myself and my natural tendencies to the power of discipline (and to Jesus) when necessary.

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

True freedom in this life comes from surrendering your life to Jesus. It comes from living the way He told us to live, and not the way our hearts think we should go. I know it sounds like a contradiction, but it’s the truth. Jesus said so. 😉

Now it’s your turn: In which areas does this resonate for you? What can you do to make a change today?< em>(Also, you really should pick up “Blessed Are The Misfits” as soon as possible. It’s so worth the read (and re-read)).