Tag: Child Loss

Twenty-Three Weeks

Not long ago I opened the calendar app on my phone and counted the number of weeks between Tori’s birth and the onset of Krabbe. I was surprised to find that she became fully symptomatic at exactly twenty-three weeks. To the day.

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Last photo of Tori smiling, taken at age 22 weeks 6 days (January 6, 2015)

That’s how old the boys are today.

Our healthy, strong, Krabbe-free identical twin boys are the same age today as Tori was when a horrific disease began to steal everything from her – her smile, her laugh, her ability to swallow, and eventually her life.

Twenty-three weeks.

As I was typing this, I momentarily thought “I wish I would have known that she’d never smile again so I could have treasured it.” But my next thought was, “Hmmm…would I really want to know?”

So often we say that we would, but is it ever a good idea when it’s something we can’t change? I think in most instances we’d end up worrying so much about what was about to happen that we would be unable to be fully present. Instead, I will treasure the smiles she did have as well as the smiles from her brothers each day.


I have been asked many times if I think I have some degree of PTSD, and after considering the question, I can honestly answer no. Sure, there are things that will never be the same about me – or my parenting – after Tori (for instance, I definitely check to make sure the twins are breathing far more than I expected to do), but I most certainly do not have PTSD. Brennan would tell you the same. We are living in joy and peace.

And that leads me to wonder why.

Why are we okay when so many who’ve walked in our shoes aren’t okay?


I had a conversation with my chiropractor during my most recent visit and it helped me in unexpected ways.

She remarked that she has loved seeing how Brennan and I have walked through this journey with grace and joy (we take no credit for that), and she loves how we’ve chosen to live out our faith. Her encouraging words (and great adjustment) would have been enough, but the Lord chose to continue to speak through her.

I told her that I often wonder why Brennan and I seem to be set apart from so many who have lost children, how we seem to be handling it so differently than most, even than other believers.

It’s not that we never think or talk about Tori (quite the opposite). She’s very much a part of our home and we will make sure the boys know everything about their big sister. It’s not that we’ve “gotten over it” because you really don’t ever “get over it” when you’ve lost a child.

(Side note: who defines what that actually looks like? Who makes the rules? Not getting over it doesn’t have to mean crying all the time or living your life depressed. It simply means that you are never the same, but it has such an unnecessarily negative connotation. We will never “be over” losing Tori but we also choose to live the life we think she’d want us to live – she’s in Heaven, happy as can be, so why wouldn’t she want us to live in joy?)

I expressed to her that I feel sorry (not pity, but genuine sadness) for those who can’t move on, who cry daily, who can’t seem to find joy in their lives after a tragedy like child loss. I mentioned my blog post about not visiting Tori’s grave. That we’re different but I can’t figure out why. That I wonder if we’re “doing it wrong” because we’re genuinely doing well and so many around us aren’t.

And then she said this: “it’s because you don’t let it define you. It’s because you find your identity in something (someone!) greater.”

In that moment, it clicked. She is totally right.

It’s not my identity. I’m not a victim, and I’m not a martyr.

Yes, I lost a child. Yes, it was terrible.

And yet, losing Tori doesn’t define me.

Did it impact me? Of course. But that’s not what defines me. The love of God (and my love for Him) defines me and my life. His mercy and grace overwhelm me and fill me with abundant gratitude. His faithfulness reminds me that we will see Tori again in Heaven for an ETERNITY. In a perfect place. With perfect bodies. No Krabbe. Forever.

I could elaborate more, but I already did in Even So, Joy 😉

We all have to choose what defines us, and I choose to NOT be defined by child loss. ❤


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As I watch Tori’s brothers today, I am amazed at their strength, at their smiles, at their health. They are doing things that Tori was never physically able to do – before or after Krabbe – and each new achievement is worthy of celebration. Every milestone reached fills us with awe.

That’s why I wanted to count the weeks.

That’s why I wrote a note on the calendar to pay attention to their development at twenty-three weeks.

Not because of PTSD. Not because of grief.

But because I am so indescribably thankful for God’s blessings to us. For his faithfulness. For His love. For every smile that these precious boys display. Everything. I don’t deserve this abundant life He has given to me, but I will embrace it and praise Him for it.

Even so, it is well with my soul. ❤

Follow-up to the Previous Post

Our good friend, John Neal – founder of Team Krabbe Strong and advocate for Krabbe awareness and Newborn Screening – gave me permission to post his letter regarding the article I blogged about here. He said this so well and I wanted it to help it have a greater audience by sharing it here.

Dear Andy and Brenda:

My name is John Neal, and I am writing you this email in regards to your article published on WebMD regarding Krabbe Leukodystrophy. I am an advocate for families who have been affected by this horrible disease, working with them and other organizations from around the globe in efforts to raise awareness. Part of that awareness is advocating for universal newborn screening for the disease throughout the United States. In my home state of Pennsylvania, we continue to work with lawmakers to enact a bill that was signed into law two years ago. This is also the case for laws that have passed in Illinois, New Mexico and New Jersey. Ohio has mandatory testing with the option of refusal, while Kentucky, Tennessee, New York and Missouri actively test for the disease. Louisiana’s Governor recently signed a bill to begin testing in the near future. Families in Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, California, Arizona, Iowa, Oregon, Texas, North Carolina have been actively trying to have their states follow suit, just like Cove and Jackson’s families are trying to do in Georgia. And so I ask you: Why would you write an article that would shed such a negative light on the testing procedures and treatments available for Krabbe Disease?

As my blood is boiling while writing this, I will try to do my best to be amicable and respectful to you both. But quite honestly, I’m not sure either of you deserve my respect right now. And I can think of a few affected families who were interviewed for this article, and then misquoted, who are as equally upset with your unprofessionalism and deception.

First, how do either of you justify your content in this article? Seriously?! As if we didn’t have to deal with enough politics to achieve our goal of universal newborn screening, now we have to deal with an article (written by what I thought was a reputable source) that contains obvious bias by it’s publisher? Mr. Miller, what is your ulterior motive with this article? You reside in Georgia with your wife and children, right? So I am assuming it is you that initiated this piece? Or you were asked to? It has politics written all over it. It is so one-sided, with the intent of shoving misinformation down readers throats, so that if/when they see that Cove’s Law didn’t pass it can be justified. No one will forgive lawmakers who want to harm little babies, so why not make it seem like they’re saving them (from this horrible testing and treatment)…right?

Secondly, how dare you take advantage of families who were willing to interview with you and twist their words to make your lopsided article read the way you want it to read? The Garcia family lost their boy, Jackson, to this horrible disease. They grieve every single day. And while they do, they continue to build their boys legacy in hopes of preventing any other children from having to suffer; and their parents too. Cove’s family, who has spearheaded this effort, is living daily knowing that they are on borrowed time with their daughter. And things will only continue to get worse. But rather than sit around and do nothing, they are fighting back with the same hopes as the Garcia’s. You didn’t stop there, though. You continued on to interview a family that received a positive test result and is currently at Duke University undergoing treatment to save their boys life. And once again, you misquoted them and draw a focus on the negative side of things. They don’t need that! They’re fighting for their son’s life, who is doing incredible by the way! They don’t need any unnecessary stress caused by your brainwashing article.

Let me ask you this: Did you try to reach out to Wilson family that has a six year old son who is living a normal life, free from krabbe (after receiving transplant)? Michael was diagnosed because of his older brother, Marshall’s, diagnosis. Marshall has since passed from complications due to the disease, but it cost him his life to save his brothers. Did you reach out to them? How about The Galindo family in California whose daughter Faith just turned 20-months and is walking and talking (post transplant)? And how did they know to test? They lost a child previously to the disease. How about the Webb family in Tennessee whose son Owen is doing great? And he, yet again, is a child who was tested because he lost a sibling he never had the chance to meet. The Mabry Kate Act is named after his sister that passed two years ago’ and act that is responsible for the positive test of a baby boy who is currently being treated and doing amazing (in the states first year of testing). Just like Kentucky, who produced a positive test and the child is receiving treatment and doing incredibly well (first year of testing). NO. The answer is NO! You didn’t interview anyone who is doing well. Instead, you took information that is a decade old, and created an article to read the way that you wanted it to read.

Brenda, I know Andy has children…do you? Let me ask you both a question: Let’s say your children were born in a state that tests for Krabbe. And then let’s say you received a positive result that required further testing. So then you Google the disease, read up on it, and spend endless nights crying not knowing what is going to happen to your child. They go through lumbar punctures and MRI’s to determine a definitive diagnosis. Super uncomfortable for a baby just born, I know. But it is a necessary evil. And then let’s say after all of the testing, it turns out that they didn’t have it. Thank God! My question is, what would you say to a family who lived in a state that didn’t test for the disease? What would you say to the parent that wishes all their child had to endure was an MRI and Lumbar puncture rather than have to watch them deteriorate daily? What would you say to the family that has been told to make funeral arrangements for their six month old instead of first birthday plans? What would you say to the family who live each day knowing they will lose their child before their second birthday?

Let me tell you what you would say: You would say THANK GOD MY STATE TESTS and after further testing it came back negative. Cause I damn sure know you’d rather be the parent with the MRI and Lumbar Puncture rather than the latter of the parents I mentioned. And those other parents, they won’t be crying during one week of testing, they’ll be crying every night for the rest of their lives wondering what could have been if only their child was tested.

Did you reach out to Dr. Kurtzberg? Did you know that she has recently submitted a paper for publication with some updated results, specifically results that show promise of improved testing for the early infantile form of the disease. The form that would directly correlate with newborn screening. OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T!!! That wouldn’t benefit you!

I am sure you did get some information from organizations and people affiliated with organizations who prefer not to test, but rather to focus on improved treatments. And in that case…MONEY TALKS. I get it. But politics should not be making the decision of who lives and who dies without a chance. There are reliable testing methods and treatments currently available, and treatments that are saving lives. These kids are living quality lives. And yet, you chose to unprofessionally publish an article that features all of the negatives. How do you feel now? Do feel good about yourself and your work? Do you know the potential setbacks you can cause with such amateurish work? If you didn’t have the up-to-date facts, then you shouldn’t have written anything at all. But because it hit home, in Georgia, you did like most media and fabricated a story to get it done, rather than wait for the truth. Congratulations.

In ending, I would request that you rescind this article. Delete it. Make it disappear. Then go back to the drawing board, do your homework, and re-write it in a professional matter. Do what is right. Do right by the families you’ve wronged, and do right by the families who suffered long enough and are trying to make a difference. Can testing and treatment be improved? Absolutely! And we work on that equally as much as we do newborn screening. But portraying the current methods available in the negative way you did…that was 100% wrong. Please fix it.

Sincerely,

John Neal

Team Krabbe Strong