Category: Death

Unexpected Emotions

I (finally) received my first copy of my published book today!

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As I held it in my hands I was overwhelmed by two emotions: joy and heartache. 

How fitting that the quote I chose for the back of the book talks about that very conflict.

I felt such joy at knowing that my hard work had paid off, that Tori’s story was finally being told in more depth than ever before, and that new people will learn about her and about Krabbe. I’m finding such unexpected joy in being able to say I’m an AUTHOR. 

But, then I was filled with sorrow because I never should have had to write this book in the first place. No one should lose their child, especially to a disease like Krabbe. I would do anything to have Tori back, healthy, running around like an almost-four-year-old would be doing. Anything.

I allowed myself to embrace the tears (likely also caused by pregnancy hormones 😉 ) for a few moments and then I reminded myself of what I know to be true: that all is well. And I focused on the joy that she brought to our lives, the knowledge that she is in Heaven and we will be with her soon (but not quite yet, as Jim Kelly likes to say), and on the fact that God is going to continue to use her – and us – to save lives as we fight on for Newborn Screening for Krabbe. 


As of now, my book is sitting at #1,336 overall on Amazon. That sounds far from #1, but it’s far higher than 8,000,000 (the number of books for sale on Amazon). It’s also the #1 new release in the Christian Families category. And we are blown away. While we don’t yet know how this translates into numbers of books sold, we’re humbled at these stats.

Numbers matter because Tori matters, because increased awareness is based on the number of people who know about Krabbe, and because numbers will generate revenue for us to donate to Hunter’s Hope. 

So, if you haven’t picked up a copy (or several), please do. It would mean so much to us.

Here’s the Amazon link!

“Is This Your First?”

It’s inevitable lately: when meeting new people who don’t know about Tori, they will ask if this pregnancy is my first.

Since I recently started a new job it’s happening fairly often. The first few times took me by surprise and I had to think quickly about how to answer: I could be truthful and tell them about Tori, or I could be mostly truthful since this is my first TWIN pregnancy and just say yes to avoid the uncomfortable truth.

So far, I’ve opted to just tell the truth, short and sweet, and allow the potential awkwardness (from their end) to exist.  I look at it as an opportunity to tell others about Krabbe, about Tori’s amazing life, and about the faith that has sustained us.

In each instance, I recognize that I have a choice: I can be truthful with joy or I can be truthful with pain. I can embrace the joy we have found or I can be miserable. 

I continue to embrace joy. 


The title of my upcoming book is “Even So, Joy” which I derived from two sources: the song “It Is Well With My Soul” –

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

and Habakkuk 3:17-19  –

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
    and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
    and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
    and the cattle barns are empty,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
 The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
    He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
    able to tread upon the heights.

The Bible makes it abundantly clear that things are going to be imperfect here on earth. Once sin entered the world, it was inevitable that life would be terrible at times. Things are going to go wrong, our hearts are going to hurt, and sometimes it will seem unbearable.

But, the Bible also makes it clear that it can still be well with our hearts and our souls no matter what comes our way because all of this is temporary. Imperfect life on this earth should make us desire the perfection of what’s to come in Heaven. 

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! – 2 Cor. 4:17

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. – James 1:2-3

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. – Romans 5:3-5

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.  Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.  For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.) – Romans 8:18-25 (emphasis mine)

Our God is a God who redeems. He is worthy of all our praise, even when circumstances don’t appear to be praiseworthy. He knows the full story while we only know this current chapter.


You have a choice to make daily just like me; though our circumstances may be different, I know your life isn’t going perfectly.

Joy is something to be chosen and embraced in the uncertain times, in the “even though” or “even if” moments. For it is then that our faith grows stronger and we are reminded of God’s love, and the least we can do is share it with those who need it the most.

Always be real and genuine, of course, but always be pointing others toward the hope and joy we have in Jesus. It has been said that light shines brightest in the darkness, and this has certainly been proven to be true in my life. Our decision to choose joy after losing a child stands in stark contrast to the way much of the world would react. And that’s kind of the point. We should be different as Christians in this world.

I will continue to be honest and share that the twins are actually child two and three for us, not our first. I will embrace the potential discomfort and awkwardness that the other person may feel and I will point them to the glory of the Lord and the hope and joy He brings.

Even so, it is well with my soul.

Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss

I’ve mentioned before that ever since Tori went to Heaven I’ve felt quiet, as though I have nothing to say. And so I’ve stayed quiet, not wanting to force the words just for the sake of writing.

Well, I finally feel as though I have something about which I can write.

Pregnancy and Parenting After Loss.

As the date for our embryo transfer draws nearer, I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind and heart. We will be pregnant soon! I honestly feel like I’m already “nesting” even though I’m not even pregnant yet. Brennan can attest to this, haha. Granted, that’s partially because we still haven’t really moved into our house yet and I’m ready to be SETTLED. But I digress. My heart longs to be pregnant, to have the hope of future children.

I just want to be a mother again, to hold and care for these precious babies who are currently frozen. 

But there’s a lingering fear that I can’t quite chase away – a fear that one or even both of the embryos won’t attach. That I will miscarry. That we will have two or three children in Heaven and not just one. There’s little reason to think this will happen, says my doctor. I’m healthy, fertile, and have no reason to believe that the embryos won’t attach. We’ve seen how God has moved mountains to make this even possible. So why are these fears so present?

I have a feeling that parenting any child after losing Tori is going to be a greater blessing than we can imagine and yet contain the potential for greater fear than we’ve ever had before. Any symptom that reminds me of Krabbe. If they have reflux like we thought Tori did. If they have any developmental delays. Anything like that will have the potential to throw me back into the pre-diagnosis days with Tori, wondering if the genetic testing was wrong. Wondering if they do have Krabbe. I have a feeling this will be a challenge to overcome.

I’m not one to be fearful, really ever. I trust the Lord and I believe that He has me in His hands. I believe that He is in control and that He knows exactly what will become of these precious frozen embryos. So I must surrender, moment by moment, any fear or doubts that creep into my mind, because I know that they aren’t from Him. 

I will continue to process my thoughts and emotions about all of this as we progress though pregnancy and parenthood after losing Tori. I pray that my transparency is a blessing to others and that the Lord will continue to work in and through our lives.

Please pray for our embryos – our son and our daughter: pray that they will survive the thaw, that they will attach to my uterus quickly, and that they will develop into healthy, thriving babies. September 1 is quickly approaching! 

 

It Is Well

I have served as the worship leader at Transcend Church for a little over three months now. While I have led worship almost continually over the past 22 years in some capacity, this is the first time I have been “the leader” of a worship team instead of me just playing guitar and singing. This has certainly been a growing experience for me and I am so thankful for the members of the worship team and their talents and hearts for worship.

Few are aware of what goes into choosing a worship set – it’s far more than just picking songs you like. I typically read the Scripture for the upcoming sermon and prayerfully choose songs that go along with the sermon. Yet, sometimes it’s honestly just following the Holy Spirit’s guidance and how I “feel” about a particular song fitting in with the set.

This week was definitely a “feel” week as the passage did not easily lend itself to songs. While I was doing all of this, I considered that this Sunday was Mother’s Day but didn’t give it much thought.

As I leafed through my (gigantic) binder of music, a few jumped out at me, unrelated in theme at first glance – “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” would start the morning as a great reminder that God is trustworthy, merciful, and faithful. We’d do “Even Unto Death” and “Give Me Faith” to remind ourselves that the God we serve is worthy to be followed and trusted, no matter what. I chose a few other songs to fill in the set and thought I was done.

I grabbed my guitar and began playing through the set but it still didn’t feel complete. Later that afternoon the hymn “It Is Well With My Soul” – one of my favorites – came into my head and I knew that was what was missing. In addition, I decided to add Bethel’s song “It Is Well” to the end.

If you aren’t aware, the back story to the song “It Is Well” is one of the most powerful I’ve ever heard. Mr. Spafford lost his four daughters in a shipwreck, all at once. Four daughters. And yet, he penned the words to this poem (now song) and declared that it was well with his soul.

How can that be?

I contend that…

It can be well with your soul despite your grief. 

It can be well with your soul despite your circumstances. 

It can be well with your soul despite your questions and uncertainties of God’s actions. 

This can all be true because it isn’t dependent on you – it’s dependent on God. When you believe the truth of who God is (faithful, loving, merciful, kind, generous, good), when you believe His Word and His promises (there IS life after death for those who trust in Jesus!), and when you trust Him fully, there is peace within your soul that surpasses understanding (Phil. 4:7). We’ve lived it. We know this is true.

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We have a beautiful sign in our home that quotes this hymn, and it has been a great reminder to us as we’ve learned to live without Tori here on earth. We’ve truly learned that “whatever our lot” we can be at peace when we are trusting the Lord and following Him.


As I led worship this morning, the emotion of missing Tori began to well up inside as we sang the final verse of the hymn:

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul!

The emotion was two-fold: first, remembering the tragic circumstances that brought this song into this world and how deep the pain is when you lose a child; second, I long for this day – the day when Jesus returns and we are reunited with our precious Tori (and other loved ones who have gone before us). I cannot wait for that day and for the eternity with her that will follow.

I got through the song, but as the sermon began my eyes were teary as I pondered the joyous reunion that awaits us.


As the Bethel song by the same name says,

Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.
Through it all, through it all, it is well.
So let go, my soul, and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name.

The same Jesus who calmed the storm that threatened to wreck the ship He and His disciples were on is the same Jesus who lives today and loves us deeply. He is still in control, even when we can’t feel it.

Being well in your soul doesn’t mean that things are perfect, or that you pretend to not be in pain. It simply means that you trust Jesus more than you fear your circumstances.

Yes, my Tori is gone. Yes, my heart longs for her. Even so, it is well with my soul. 

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I don’t know why I was led to put the songs on the set list today that I did, but I know that, if nothing else, my own heart was encouraged by the words of these songs. Hopefully the Lord used them to speak to others, as well.

Follow-up to the Previous Post

Our good friend, John Neal – founder of Team Krabbe Strong and advocate for Krabbe awareness and Newborn Screening – gave me permission to post his letter regarding the article I blogged about here. He said this so well and I wanted it to help it have a greater audience by sharing it here.

Dear Andy and Brenda:

My name is John Neal, and I am writing you this email in regards to your article published on WebMD regarding Krabbe Leukodystrophy. I am an advocate for families who have been affected by this horrible disease, working with them and other organizations from around the globe in efforts to raise awareness. Part of that awareness is advocating for universal newborn screening for the disease throughout the United States. In my home state of Pennsylvania, we continue to work with lawmakers to enact a bill that was signed into law two years ago. This is also the case for laws that have passed in Illinois, New Mexico and New Jersey. Ohio has mandatory testing with the option of refusal, while Kentucky, Tennessee, New York and Missouri actively test for the disease. Louisiana’s Governor recently signed a bill to begin testing in the near future. Families in Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, California, Arizona, Iowa, Oregon, Texas, North Carolina have been actively trying to have their states follow suit, just like Cove and Jackson’s families are trying to do in Georgia. And so I ask you: Why would you write an article that would shed such a negative light on the testing procedures and treatments available for Krabbe Disease?

As my blood is boiling while writing this, I will try to do my best to be amicable and respectful to you both. But quite honestly, I’m not sure either of you deserve my respect right now. And I can think of a few affected families who were interviewed for this article, and then misquoted, who are as equally upset with your unprofessionalism and deception.

First, how do either of you justify your content in this article? Seriously?! As if we didn’t have to deal with enough politics to achieve our goal of universal newborn screening, now we have to deal with an article (written by what I thought was a reputable source) that contains obvious bias by it’s publisher? Mr. Miller, what is your ulterior motive with this article? You reside in Georgia with your wife and children, right? So I am assuming it is you that initiated this piece? Or you were asked to? It has politics written all over it. It is so one-sided, with the intent of shoving misinformation down readers throats, so that if/when they see that Cove’s Law didn’t pass it can be justified. No one will forgive lawmakers who want to harm little babies, so why not make it seem like they’re saving them (from this horrible testing and treatment)…right?

Secondly, how dare you take advantage of families who were willing to interview with you and twist their words to make your lopsided article read the way you want it to read? The Garcia family lost their boy, Jackson, to this horrible disease. They grieve every single day. And while they do, they continue to build their boys legacy in hopes of preventing any other children from having to suffer; and their parents too. Cove’s family, who has spearheaded this effort, is living daily knowing that they are on borrowed time with their daughter. And things will only continue to get worse. But rather than sit around and do nothing, they are fighting back with the same hopes as the Garcia’s. You didn’t stop there, though. You continued on to interview a family that received a positive test result and is currently at Duke University undergoing treatment to save their boys life. And once again, you misquoted them and draw a focus on the negative side of things. They don’t need that! They’re fighting for their son’s life, who is doing incredible by the way! They don’t need any unnecessary stress caused by your brainwashing article.

Let me ask you this: Did you try to reach out to Wilson family that has a six year old son who is living a normal life, free from krabbe (after receiving transplant)? Michael was diagnosed because of his older brother, Marshall’s, diagnosis. Marshall has since passed from complications due to the disease, but it cost him his life to save his brothers. Did you reach out to them? How about The Galindo family in California whose daughter Faith just turned 20-months and is walking and talking (post transplant)? And how did they know to test? They lost a child previously to the disease. How about the Webb family in Tennessee whose son Owen is doing great? And he, yet again, is a child who was tested because he lost a sibling he never had the chance to meet. The Mabry Kate Act is named after his sister that passed two years ago’ and act that is responsible for the positive test of a baby boy who is currently being treated and doing amazing (in the states first year of testing). Just like Kentucky, who produced a positive test and the child is receiving treatment and doing incredibly well (first year of testing). NO. The answer is NO! You didn’t interview anyone who is doing well. Instead, you took information that is a decade old, and created an article to read the way that you wanted it to read.

Brenda, I know Andy has children…do you? Let me ask you both a question: Let’s say your children were born in a state that tests for Krabbe. And then let’s say you received a positive result that required further testing. So then you Google the disease, read up on it, and spend endless nights crying not knowing what is going to happen to your child. They go through lumbar punctures and MRI’s to determine a definitive diagnosis. Super uncomfortable for a baby just born, I know. But it is a necessary evil. And then let’s say after all of the testing, it turns out that they didn’t have it. Thank God! My question is, what would you say to a family who lived in a state that didn’t test for the disease? What would you say to the parent that wishes all their child had to endure was an MRI and Lumbar puncture rather than have to watch them deteriorate daily? What would you say to the family that has been told to make funeral arrangements for their six month old instead of first birthday plans? What would you say to the family who live each day knowing they will lose their child before their second birthday?

Let me tell you what you would say: You would say THANK GOD MY STATE TESTS and after further testing it came back negative. Cause I damn sure know you’d rather be the parent with the MRI and Lumbar Puncture rather than the latter of the parents I mentioned. And those other parents, they won’t be crying during one week of testing, they’ll be crying every night for the rest of their lives wondering what could have been if only their child was tested.

Did you reach out to Dr. Kurtzberg? Did you know that she has recently submitted a paper for publication with some updated results, specifically results that show promise of improved testing for the early infantile form of the disease. The form that would directly correlate with newborn screening. OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T!!! That wouldn’t benefit you!

I am sure you did get some information from organizations and people affiliated with organizations who prefer not to test, but rather to focus on improved treatments. And in that case…MONEY TALKS. I get it. But politics should not be making the decision of who lives and who dies without a chance. There are reliable testing methods and treatments currently available, and treatments that are saving lives. These kids are living quality lives. And yet, you chose to unprofessionally publish an article that features all of the negatives. How do you feel now? Do feel good about yourself and your work? Do you know the potential setbacks you can cause with such amateurish work? If you didn’t have the up-to-date facts, then you shouldn’t have written anything at all. But because it hit home, in Georgia, you did like most media and fabricated a story to get it done, rather than wait for the truth. Congratulations.

In ending, I would request that you rescind this article. Delete it. Make it disappear. Then go back to the drawing board, do your homework, and re-write it in a professional matter. Do what is right. Do right by the families you’ve wronged, and do right by the families who suffered long enough and are trying to make a difference. Can testing and treatment be improved? Absolutely! And we work on that equally as much as we do newborn screening. But portraying the current methods available in the negative way you did…that was 100% wrong. Please fix it.

Sincerely,

John Neal

Team Krabbe Strong