Tag: Faith

God is ALWAYS on Time

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If I am being honest, lately I have been struggling to pray for Tori’s healing. I ask others to do it but I can’t form the words in my own heart and mind. I feel stuck. Numb. Defeated.

I absolutely still want it and believe that it can happen, but doubt has worked its way into my heart and mind, and lately I doubt that God is going to heal her here on earth. Because of this doubt, I struggle to pray. I start but the words just don’t come.

It is times like this when I am most thankful that we don’t have to pray with words. God knows our hearts, and His Word tells us that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don’t know what to say (Romans 8:26).

I still struggle with hope because hope is difficult. Yet I still desperately want her to be healed on earth. Desperately.

In a dream that a friend had recently, I wasn’t able to see an older, healed Tori in a picture on a wall. She could see her, but I couldn’t.

I’ve been thinking about this ever since she shared the dream because I think God is trying to tell me something.

My friend has been praying about the meaning and suggested this: that no matter what, I need to see her as being healed, because she IS healed somewhere.

I’m still praying about the meaning. And I’m praying that this dream in particular is prophetic…that Tori will be the older sibling to many other children and that she will be healthy…that her testimony will change the world.

“Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late…”

– MercyMe, “Flawless”

It seems like God speaks through His Word and the words of those seeking Him when I am struggling the most.

He keeps bringing stories of healing to my attention, and while these accounts are encouraging, it also leaves me wondering why He is bringing these forward. Is He going to heal her?

This happened two months ago in my daily Bible reading (the Bible is split into 365 readings, dated, not a “pick your own reading” type of thing). It also happened about two weeks ago when I finally found our Kindle Charger and was able to scroll through the hundreds of free eBooks we have obtained since we lost the charger.

The eBook “The Same Love” by Paul Baloche (a well-known songwriter) caught my attention so I opened it and began reading.

What was the first chapter about? Healing. Timing. Love.

Baloche started with Mark 5:21-43 which shows two healings – one of a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, and one of a young girl who was sick and died but Jesus brought her back to life.

The woman seemingly derailed Jesus from getting to the young girl in time, but what this proved was that Jesus works outside of “time” and He is NEVER late. He created time and is not restrained by it.

I love the way that the author paraphrases the scene between Jairus and Jesus after his daughter has died:

Jesus had barely finished speaking when several people ran up. Jairus, it’s too late. She’s gone.

Jesus moved between Jairus and the distraction. This moment is about you and what you say you believe. This can end here, or we can keep going. What do you say?

 (The Same Love, Chapter 1)

The author points out that all those involved in this passage experienced the same love, the love of God. Just like we do today. Yet, even those who walked with Jesus in person also experienced doubt. Amazing, isn’t it, that those who saw with their own eyes the miracles that Jesus did still doubted?

Shouldn’t we admit, though, that even after experiencing this love, we’ve entertained doubts? And though we have seen answers to prayers, some questions still remain? In this life we experience the discipline of holiness alongside the inevitable humanity of sinfulness. And between these opposing realities, we’re daily called to choose to pledge our allegiance to the God who never leaves us, committing afresh to walk the walk of faith. God’s unwavering love for us continues, even when ours falters…

Faith by its very definition is belief in that which is unseen. It’s believing that the same love that spread the heavens wide and was crucified and raised Jairus’s little girl and sent a woman back into her new life is calling to you today. Your circumstances will be unique to you. Maybe the same love is challenging you to choose what you believe. Maybe you’re being asked to bravely step out and let everyone see you and your story…

(The Same Love, Chapter 1)

While these words are so encouraging, and so seemingly meant just for me right now, I still have no idea what God is going to do in Tori’s life…and that’s okay.

We are definitely called to let others see our story, which is why we are being as open and transparent as we can along the way.

We wonder if God is going to heal Tori here or in Heaven.

If here, we wonder when and how. Gradual? Immediate?

We wonder how long she will be with us.

So much wondering, not enough trusting.

We need to stop creating scenes in our head and instead trust the One who wrote the entire play.

Whether He heals her now or later, we know He is going to heal her. She is healed. It may not be the way our hearts would prefer, but we trust that God is good and has an amazing purpose for all of this that we simply can’t see at the moment. This is Act One, and Act Three is many pages away.

We aren’t meant to understand right now – we are meant to trust Him and keep on walking.

Our God is never late. Our God loves us deeply and created us with purpose. He will heal her in HIS timing, in HIS way; we need to trust Him in this and with this.

“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked.
“Anything is possible if a person believes.”

The father instantly cried out, “I do believe,
but help me overcome my unbelief!”

Mark 9:23-24

Psalm 143

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This was the Psalm for the day in my One Year Bible…I love it and I am using some of these verses as my prayer today. ❤️

Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.

Don’t put your servant on trial, for no one is innocent before you. My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave…

I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer.

I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Come quickly, LORD, and answer me…Don’t turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you.

Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Rescue me from my enemies, LORD; I run to you to hide me.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.

For the glory of your name, O LORD, preserve my life.

Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress. In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

Psalm 143‬:‭1-12‬ (NLT)

True Selflessness

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Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
– Mother Teresa

I always knew that motherhood would be a selfless endeavor. From the very beginning, your body, your time, your thoughts, everything revolves around, and belongs to, your children. Before I became a mother I had an idea about what it looked like to be selfless and I knew I could handle it with the Lord’s help. After all, a mother’s love is one of the strongest forces on earth, and I was ready for the challenges.

I had no idea just how “selfless” my life would become when Tori became sick.

By the way, I don’t write this (or any other post) to invite pity or sympathy, or even accolades. Rather, I continually strive to be transparent during this journey in hopes that someone will be encouraged or challenged by how the Lord is speaking to our hearts and working in our lives.

Here’s my reality and a glimpse into my daily life with a terminally-ill child.

I haven’t had more than 5 full nights of sleep (defined as 5 straight hours) since Tori was born. To say that I am exhausted is an understatement.

When she was healthy, the sleep deprivation was bearable because she was such a joy, such a delight. I didn’t mind nursing her every two or three hours because she was always so happy, so content. Watching her learn and grow filled my heart with enough energy to endure the sleepless nights (and days). Her smile and laughter would fill my heart with a palpable joy and my heart would overflow with love. That was my reward and it filled me up like nothing (except the Lord) ever has.

When she was healthy, I was still able to do things for myself (like shower and eat a good lunch) because she was content to play with her toys on her own and would nap without being held for 20-30 minutes at a time. I could still take care of our home and do things for myself like shop, read, eat meals, etc.

My view of what selflessness means changed drastically in January 2015.

“For even the Son of Man (Jesus) came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” – Mark 10:45

My days are a blur, much like the lives of those with healthy babies, but there is no tangible “reward” for my selfless service anymore.

My days now revolve around medication and feeding schedules, appointments with specialists and Early Intervention (which is a WONDERFUL program and I am so thankful that our tax dollars go to pay for this), and keeping Tori comfortable, which usually means rocking her in our recliner most of the day.

If I am lucky (or if someone comes over to hold Tori), I can take a five minute shower while Tori stares at her light-up giraffe on her changing table (it has rails and she doesn’t roll, so she is completely safe).

Eating doesn’t always happen – at least not healthy eating.

I rarely leave the house because Tori doesn’t like being in the car and we aren’t sure if she is in pain while in the car seat. Thankfully, I just discovered that our local grocery store will deliver groceries for a nominal fee (and the first 60 days are free). What an amazing blessing this service will be.

Doing simple things for myself usually doesn’t happen at all these days. As much as I want to work on her Project Life album, read my Bible (not on my phone), or even CLEAN MY HOUSE (yes, I actually long to do normal things like that now), they just don’t happen until Brennan is home for the evening, if at all. And even then, I struggle between wanting to clean my house/do things for myself, and wanting to spend time as a family doing other things.

I don’t think about how little I am doing for myself very often, and when I do, it is then that I am overwhelmed by the energy my life currently requires. I went from such an easygoing, low maintenance life (even with a baby) to a life that is so high maintenance that it is overwhelming at times.

I don’t like this, I don’t want this, and I keep praying it’s all a nightmare.

Yet, I don’t think about how hard it is as I am living it – I just do it.

Though my priorities have shifted drastically in the past three months, I know that I have to find a balance because I need to take care of myself while also caring for Tori. Now that her G-Tube surgery is complete and her appointments outside the home are slowing down, I am hoping to have more time to figure out how to accomplish these things.

Through all of this, I am continually learning to praise the Lord in the midst of these difficult and unwanted circumstances because I know that He is using them to refine me and to make me more like Jesus.

Does this mean I like what is happening? No.

Does this mean that I am a perfect Christian mother and entirely unselfish? Ha. Definitely not.

But, I trust that He is redeeming this terrible situation in ways we can’t even imagine. I trust that I will be a more loving and selfless person because of all that we are going through.

It’s a moment by moment process of surrendering my own desires for what is best for Tori. It isn’t easy, I’m not perfect at it, but thankfully we serve a God who showed us what selflessness looks like when He sent His son, Jesus, to our world two thousand years ago, and that same God is just as full of love, grace and mercy today as He was then.

Philippians 2:2-11

2 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? 2 Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

6 Though he was God,[a]
    he did not think of equality with God
    as something to cling to.
7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges[b];
    he took the humble position of a slave[c]
    and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,[d]
8     he humbled himself in obedience to God
    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

9 Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
    and gave him the name above all other names,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

I live my life with my “hands empty, eyes up” and I “do the next thing” (both of those quotes were topics that were discussed at the “Night to Breathe” event and I will be writing more about them in the future). I surrender my exhaustion and my fear to the Lord and He sustains me. Most days, I have no idea how I got through it all, and that is a huge testament to God’s constant presence in our lives.

I don’t know what the future holds for our little family, and I am overwhelmed when I think about what may be coming our way. So I choose to live moment by moment, day by day, and I do whatever I can to serve my daughter as selflessly as I can, knowing that she is suffering more than I can begin to imagine, and knowing that Jesus Himself lived a completely selfless life to redeem us and be our perfect example. It truly is the least that I can do.