Category: My Walk With God

God is ALWAYS on Time

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If I am being honest, lately I have been struggling to pray for Tori’s healing. I ask others to do it but I can’t form the words in my own heart and mind. I feel stuck. Numb. Defeated.

I absolutely still want it and believe that it can happen, but doubt has worked its way into my heart and mind, and lately I doubt that God is going to heal her here on earth. Because of this doubt, I struggle to pray. I start but the words just don’t come.

It is times like this when I am most thankful that we don’t have to pray with words. God knows our hearts, and His Word tells us that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don’t know what to say (Romans 8:26).

I still struggle with hope because hope is difficult. Yet I still desperately want her to be healed on earth. Desperately.

In a dream that a friend had recently, I wasn’t able to see an older, healed Tori in a picture on a wall. She could see her, but I couldn’t.

I’ve been thinking about this ever since she shared the dream because I think God is trying to tell me something.

My friend has been praying about the meaning and suggested this: that no matter what, I need to see her as being healed, because she IS healed somewhere.

I’m still praying about the meaning. And I’m praying that this dream in particular is prophetic…that Tori will be the older sibling to many other children and that she will be healthy…that her testimony will change the world.

“Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late…”

– MercyMe, “Flawless”

It seems like God speaks through His Word and the words of those seeking Him when I am struggling the most.

He keeps bringing stories of healing to my attention, and while these accounts are encouraging, it also leaves me wondering why He is bringing these forward. Is He going to heal her?

This happened two months ago in my daily Bible reading (the Bible is split into 365 readings, dated, not a “pick your own reading” type of thing). It also happened about two weeks ago when I finally found our Kindle Charger and was able to scroll through the hundreds of free eBooks we have obtained since we lost the charger.

The eBook “The Same Love” by Paul Baloche (a well-known songwriter) caught my attention so I opened it and began reading.

What was the first chapter about? Healing. Timing. Love.

Baloche started with Mark 5:21-43 which shows two healings – one of a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, and one of a young girl who was sick and died but Jesus brought her back to life.

The woman seemingly derailed Jesus from getting to the young girl in time, but what this proved was that Jesus works outside of “time” and He is NEVER late. He created time and is not restrained by it.

I love the way that the author paraphrases the scene between Jairus and Jesus after his daughter has died:

Jesus had barely finished speaking when several people ran up. Jairus, it’s too late. She’s gone.

Jesus moved between Jairus and the distraction. This moment is about you and what you say you believe. This can end here, or we can keep going. What do you say?

 (The Same Love, Chapter 1)

The author points out that all those involved in this passage experienced the same love, the love of God. Just like we do today. Yet, even those who walked with Jesus in person also experienced doubt. Amazing, isn’t it, that those who saw with their own eyes the miracles that Jesus did still doubted?

Shouldn’t we admit, though, that even after experiencing this love, we’ve entertained doubts? And though we have seen answers to prayers, some questions still remain? In this life we experience the discipline of holiness alongside the inevitable humanity of sinfulness. And between these opposing realities, we’re daily called to choose to pledge our allegiance to the God who never leaves us, committing afresh to walk the walk of faith. God’s unwavering love for us continues, even when ours falters…

Faith by its very definition is belief in that which is unseen. It’s believing that the same love that spread the heavens wide and was crucified and raised Jairus’s little girl and sent a woman back into her new life is calling to you today. Your circumstances will be unique to you. Maybe the same love is challenging you to choose what you believe. Maybe you’re being asked to bravely step out and let everyone see you and your story…

(The Same Love, Chapter 1)

While these words are so encouraging, and so seemingly meant just for me right now, I still have no idea what God is going to do in Tori’s life…and that’s okay.

We are definitely called to let others see our story, which is why we are being as open and transparent as we can along the way.

We wonder if God is going to heal Tori here or in Heaven.

If here, we wonder when and how. Gradual? Immediate?

We wonder how long she will be with us.

So much wondering, not enough trusting.

We need to stop creating scenes in our head and instead trust the One who wrote the entire play.

Whether He heals her now or later, we know He is going to heal her. She is healed. It may not be the way our hearts would prefer, but we trust that God is good and has an amazing purpose for all of this that we simply can’t see at the moment. This is Act One, and Act Three is many pages away.

We aren’t meant to understand right now – we are meant to trust Him and keep on walking.

Our God is never late. Our God loves us deeply and created us with purpose. He will heal her in HIS timing, in HIS way; we need to trust Him in this and with this.

“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked.
“Anything is possible if a person believes.”

The father instantly cried out, “I do believe,
but help me overcome my unbelief!”

Mark 9:23-24

Holding on to Hope…

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Tori will have another MRI in twenty days, a follow-up to the two done in February…

…the two that confirmed that her brain was damaged beyond repair by a then undiagnosed (but suspected) disease.

I remember that day so clearly – February 6, 2015. 10:45am.

My mom and I took Tori to her neurologist to review the MRI images and discuss the results. 

Brennan didn’t come because we didn’t realize just how significant that day would be in our lives – we thought it was going to be routine. Fixable.

Even to my untrained eyes, it was evident that something was severely wrong based on those images.

Brennan has still never seen the MRIs (not intentionally – just haven’t had a chance to have someone show them to us again). He says he doesn’t think he wants to see them.

Tori had another MRI done two weeks later in Pittsburgh by Dr. Escolar to ensure that her specific protocol was followed so that the disease could be fully seen, and we haven’t had a chance to see those images either – we were far too grieved during that first visit to even think about asking.

It has now been six months since the first MRI and next Friday will be six months post-diagnosis. 

When we travel to Pittsburgh at the end of the month, Dr. Escolar will perform another MRI to see what progression the disease has made.

This time we will ask to see them.

Shortly after Tori was diagnosed I had a thought that has been my prayer until now: that the next MRI would show unexplainable improvement. That Dr. E would be astonished, unsure of what she saw. 

That they would want to make sure it was Tori’s brain they had scanned.

We cling to hope but remain firmly rooted in reality, knowing that this could be God’s plan for her.

BUT…what if His plan is for her to be healed? For His power to be shown through her? 

What if He has world-changing plans for our little girl?

Please pray with us for unexplainable improvement twenty days from now (August 27). Pray for a miracle. 

We will hope until the end that God will heal her – we serve a God who works outside of time, so He is never late.

August 27th, 1:45pm. Please join us in prayer before and during the MRI. 

God can do this!

The Consequences of Resentment 

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Love means doing what God has commanded us, and he has commanded us to love one another, just as you heard from the beginning. (‭2 John‬ ‭1‬:‭6‬ NLT)

We are told as Christians to do two things: love God and love others. By focusing on those two things we will end up obeying the law of God and the law of man without even realizing it most of the time.

There are many things that can hinder us from fulfilling this command, many things that can negatively affect our perspective and perception of others without us realizing it.

In photography, the lens is how you see the world. The quality and integrity of the lens is crucial. Everything depends on the lens, even the quality of the final image.

If your lens is cracked, smudged, or otherwise compromised, your image will be unclear or even indistinguishable from the view/reality you saw with your eyes; your perspective will not translate into a beautiful finished image like you had planned. It will be distorted. You will be disappointed, possibly angry, and unfulfilled. There was nothing wrong with the subject you were attempting to photograph, but the lens made it appear to be flawed.

Similarly, forming a first impression of someone happens automatically. You meet someone, and based on the first few minutes of your interaction you form an opinion. Those first few moments do not provide insight into a person’s context, character, or true self. You merely catch a glimpse instead of knowing and understanding them fully.

Once an impression is formed, overcoming that perspective can be difficult no matter what experience may prove to be the truth.

I mention these things because I have been pondering what the Bible has to say about bitterness, anger, resentment, and how those things affect our perception of people and circumstances.

When we hold grudges and harbor bitterness, anything the “guilty” person says or does will be viewed through a cracked lens. The perspective will be skewed, and the relationship may be further damaged because we aren’t seeing things clearly.

Perhaps this is why Jesus told us to resolve our issues with people directly and promptly (Matthew 18); to get rid of all anger and bitterness (Ephesians 4:31) ; to get rid of the plank in our eyes before judging the splinter in the eyes of another (Matthew 7:3-5); with these things in our heart, our lens is cracked and we cannot perceive the actions and words of people correctly and therefore cannot love them as we are commanded.

When we are bitter, angry, or resentful we cannot love God and others the way He desires and commands us to do. We cannot fulfill our mission.

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. (John 13:35)

Resentment prevents you from seeing situations clearly and in proper context. Resentment is a dangerous thing.

Many times in my life I have seen the aftermath of built-up resentment that is never resolved biblically. It has split churches, destroyed friendships, and created friction in families.

Someone can do something or say something to you with great intentions, but because you are harboring unspoken resentment and bitterness you will read between the lines in order to justify your feelings. We’ve all done it!

Rather than going to the person as soon as the alleged offense occurs to find out their true intent and to clear up misunderstandings, you choose to remain silent and allow bitterness to eat away at your heart, all while pretending that everything is fine on the outside.

Pride is a dangerous companion to resentment.

This is a human flaw that we all deal with at some point in our lives, and that’s exactly why Jesus spoke about this issue in Matthew 18:

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.

But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.

If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”

(Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭15-17)

There are so many verses that tell us to not be bitter or resentful, but to love; here are a few:

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭3‬ NLT)

And so, dear friends, while you are waiting for these things to happen, make every effort to be found living peaceful lives that are pure and blameless in his sight. (‭2 Peter‬ ‭3‬:‭14‬ NLT)

This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another. (‭1 John‬ ‭3‬:‭11‬ NLT)

But we don’t need to write to you about the importance of loving each other, for God himself has taught you to love one another. (‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬ NLT)

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

Don’t let bitterness, resentment, anger, or irritation destroy you. Don’t let them destroy relationships or communities. The enemy LOVES when Christians do this! Don’t let him have the satisfaction.

Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ NLT)

And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us. (‭1 John‬ ‭3‬:‭23‬ NLT)

I strive to take the following steps whenever I am in situations where I am hurt, and I do my best to not assume anything about the person. These have helped me tremendously and I hope they are useful to you as well:

  1. Consider the context: What is the person going through? If you don’t know, then offer grace and understanding instead of becoming angry immediately. Ask questions instead of assuming.
  2. Remember that no one is perfect, including yourself. Offer grace.
  3. Think about the true cause of the offense: why is it bothering you? Was your pride hurt?
  4. Always assume the best about the people you love and not the worst.
  5. Communicate! In person is the BEST way to do this, but if the other party won’t consent to doing so, make your written communication clear and your emotions known, remembering that words are powerful. Text leaves so much to the imagination and it can often make issues far worse than they were at the beginning. Talk about things immediately, don’t blindside someone years later.
  6. If the person matters to you, make the effort to humbly make things right. Put aside your pride.
  7. Don’t allow misunderstandings and misperceptions destroy relationships. Life is too short and too precious to allow bitterness and resentment to steal our joy.

We are here on earth to love one another, to encourage, to build-up, to lead others to Christ. Resentment prevents us from fully loving God and others, and it lets the enemy win.

Choose love, choose joy, choose humility. It’s worth it.